Minkerman: The last thread

[Purr]

Hi MM,

Just checking in...hope today goes okay for you. It does sound like it may be quite an awkward time this morning, seeing her (especially so soon after the dinner). I hear you about wanting to continue responding to her in a way that has integrity. That is a word that consistently comes to mind for me when I have read your posts and tracked your journey. You really are a man with integrity. Dating and such--I know what you are talking about. Things are very fresh though, so I'd suggest going slow on that front. Anyway, good luck with today and let us know how it unfolds.

Purr

[2ndChance]

it's because that is what I need to do for me, to be able to life my life in a healthy, non-dependent way.

The only adjective I would add to excellent statement would be happy. From my experience, Happiness definitely Attracts!

I will answer her phone calls and emails, but will not initiate any.

I will go even further than that; don't immediately answer all of her calls. And, in fact, maybe you can even miss some of her calls. Like Frank suggested: Do not always be available to her.

I will casually date other women.

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with enjoying the company of your friends, co-workers, acquaintances, etc., even, and especially if they're women. If you, or anyone else, wants to call it dating, BIG DEAL. Ask those people if they ever tried it. And if so, ask them what the result was. Did it end their M. Wait a minute, wasn't there M on the rocks to begin with? How many people on this BB have had an unfaithful spouse and yet continued to battle for their reconciliation?

Your W is obviously pulling away from you. You need to do whatever is necessary to change that course. In my case, casual dating definitely helped me abundantly. At first, I was reluctant to do so, but I figured I had no choice. My W had served me with those "dreaded" D papers, and I needed to get out of my funk. I regained my composure, enjoyed myself, regained my confidence, and became, once again, HAPPY! These qualities, which my W (and I'm sure yours as well) noticed, change my R's direction. I was cool, happy, confident, mysterious, and it was these attributes that brought my W back to me (our M).

It's hard to believe that it's been over 3 years since my M almost ended. Though what worked for me, might not work for everyone else, one thing is certain; if what you're doing isn't working, then change what you're doing, and try something else. And why on earth would you put off and idea for "a month or two", if your M requires immediate action?


I wish you well. Peace.

[JenInVen]

So sorry to hear about your marriage. I hope you can grow and survive this ordeal. I too would caution about dating yet. This phase of the R is over but you need time to grasp it all before you date others. In the end however, that decision is yours and yours alone.

Jen

[Bruce1]

I really feel for you regarding how hard it must be to type the line about your marriage being over. That one really brought a lump to my throat. You seem to be in a fairly good place given all that you have gone through, so congratulations for doing so well. This is so tough, and you deserve to pat yourself on the back.

I'd advise against dating unless you are SURE you are through with W. If there's any part of you that even things about a reconciliation, you probably aren't ready to date. And be prepared that even if you think you are ready, you may not. Abandonment has a way of cycling back to earlier feelings, so that while you may honestly feel at a given moment that you have really worked through earlier stages, you may not have. Then again, perhaps you have. You know your situation best. However, if you are not through with W emotionally, or if you are cycling back through earlier stages, you will put yourself and the woman you are dating in a hurtful place emotionally, and that's not fair to you or her. Take some time to think this one through.

[minkerman]

Thank you everyone, for your valuable feedback. I really appreciate it.

As can be seen by the myriad of responses above ^ there is no clear-cut answer to this.

The whole dating thing, I will be very cautious, and will be extremely forthcoming and candid with anyone I go out with. I am not looking for a relationship at this time - I do realize that I am not emotionally available right now. I just want to occasionally go out with someone other than friends. Plus, I have no woman "friends" that I can hang with, so that isn't an option. That is, except for my assistant, who is 5'9", blonde, gorgeous and 26 years old....but that is just SICK!

Anyway, thanks again, I will take everything under advisement...

TODAY:
- W called at 7:30am "I'm on my way"
- Arrived at 8:00, we dropped her car where we were bringing the boat to, then continued to our marina in my Jeep
- We left the marina, and had a SPECTACULAR cruise up the river for about an hour. It was warm, sunny, mirror smooth water and no wind. At one point she came over, sat beside me at the helm, and leaned her head on my shoulder. No words. I just put my arm around her and didn't say anything. That's how we stayed for the remainder of the cruise.
- We arrived at the broker's marina, tied up, then we went back to my place in her car.
- We each had a beer, then walked down the riverwalk to "our" pub. Nice chat along the way, enjoyed all the people that were out, and all the spring flowers.
- Had a great lunch, sat in the sun on the patio. At least 3 times, she said "I miss this". But she didn't necessarily mean she missed it with me.
- She asked me a number of times if/when/who I was going to date. I said I didn't know, I still haven't decided.
- She told me she still has no romantic feelings for me, and it drives her crazy, because her logical mind tells her she should. She said that when she hooks up with someone, it will probably be someone just like me. "Great" I said, "that makes me feel awesome...NOT!"
- She cried a lot, again. As we left, she broke down a bit and said "MM, I am SO SORRY for what I am doing...I am losing my friends, my husband, even my kids are avoiding me". I told her that she obviously feels she needs to do this, or else she wouldn't have done it, so stop being sorry...I just hope you end up happy.
- We walked back, and we were exhausted from the early morning, moving the boat (emotional), sunshine, big meal and the beer. So she said let's take a nap. So we did, on our bed, and we slept for about an hour.
- She drove me back to my Jeep, we hugged and kissed, then she said "I love you". I said "I love you too, drive carefully".
- I went to a music store and lost myself in guitars and amplifiers, to drown out the feelings of pain.
- 2 hours later I was driving home and she called me on my cell. She said she had called the apartment and I wasn't there, she was checking on my whereabouts (?). She said a song had come on, and she knew I loved it, and she decided to just call. She was all stuffed up, I could tell she'd been crying.
- I told her to call anytime she wanted to talk, and she said "I will, and you too".

So that was my day. She cuddled with me, cried a LOT, and said ILY. But the door is definitely closing, this time from my side as well as hers.

One last thing: I do wonder if she is one of the women that start thinking differently when they realize they are about to lose the stability of the husband who was waiting for her to come back. Some of her actions and questions today were interesting. But I am not waiting any longer. I told her again today that I am still open to getting back together, but I am moving forward with my life. She just looked off into the distance and nodded.

I know her very well, and there is a lot going on in her head about "us" right now.

[cw68]

Mink, I'm saddened to hear this, but I do feel you'll be OK. Both of you have walked a very good line to this point. I think both of you have done everything you could have to this point and it's a healthy parting. Of course, you never know where life is going to take you, eh? That's one thing I think all of us on here can agree upon.

Regarding dating, I think your wife's a little too concerned IMO. I understand where you're coming from. Sounds like you don't want a relationship or the romance, but a little change from the status quo. A way to see the new options on the horizon. Take it slow, just like you have from here.

And with your wife, I think you do whatever you feel like doing. She calls. If you want to answer it then, you do. If you don't want to, you don't. There's no ulterior motive anymore, you are just living.

Go live, Mink. Go breathe, smile, laugh and cry. Live life. Find your peace. I know you can.

[minkerman]

(((((cw68)))))

[cw68]

No, ((((mink))))

[minkerman]

The most incredible thing just happened.

W just called, and asked if she could come home.

Of course, I said yes. We talked for about 45 minutes...she says ever since we went to Seattle, she has missed "us". She said she finally realized she wanted to try again today, when we sat in the sunshine on the patio at the pub. She said it just felt like this is how it was meant to be.

I know we have some work to do, but I told her I was trusting it would all work out, as long as it was both of us contributing.

This is incredible how we took it right to the brink, where I told her I was closing the door on her. I called our dinner last night our "breakup dinner" and she said she couldn't stop thinking about that.

She told me she loved me many times on the phone tonight. She wants me to come over for breakfast tomorrow, then load up my Jeep and her car, and start moving her stuff back to OUR apartment.

There couldn't possibly be anyone on earth more happy than Minkerman right now.

Starting a new thread.

[frank_D]

Remember to be careful.