hey guys how are you? my name is jerome...i have been married since 2002..but with my wife since 1994...2002 i had lost my job and it took a while for me to get the right job again ( 2005 ) in between that time i had odd jobs...bills wher piling..almost lost our apartment..and two kids...my wife took on everything while i struggled in life.. i never realize the pressure i put on this woman..when i thought about it...now but we are in a zone now..where she goes out and party with women she should not party with...now she met a guy in 2005...i think it was freindly..but with our disagreements..between 2005-current..i think it went somewhere else...i caught things i should not saw...like sex toys...a night gown in her purse...letters that speak indirectly to another man...and i loved her so much..i did not wanna belive it..but i know this is true now...itz sad..we have two girls.. and it is hard to leave..because she is part responsible and part iresponsible..and if i leave my home..i dont know what it would do to my girls...i am a christian..and i belive that you dont quit on your marriage..for better or for worse...they say..this is not the woman i married...and i just wanted to talk to u guys...cause i feel like god is trying to change me into something from this experience....
Karen, we all realize that we have our boundaries. Have you set a time goal for your sitch? I know I keep wanting to set my time goal, but I just can's seem to set it. I just keep waiting for her. Also, when is the last time ya'll had an R talk? I know we shouldn't be having them, but sometimes they just come out.
Sorry, but I haven't had time to read your whole sitch before this post, so if I am asking questions you have recently addressed, I apolgize.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Karen, we all realize that we have our boundaries. Have you set a time goal for your sitch? I know I keep wanting to set my time goal, but I just can's seem to set it. I just keep waiting for her. Also, when is the last time ya'll had an R talk? I know we shouldn't be having them, but sometimes they just come out.
No, I haven't set a time goal, but I think in a month or two I want to see how things are going: whether they are the same, better, or worse than now. I don't want to drag this separation/divorce for years if it's going to happen anyway. We haven't had any R talks since H moved out. He did say 2 or 3 weeks ago that he was stressed out at the time he started his affair so it made things seem worse than they were. But other than that, no real talk. He has noticed all my changes, but said it was too late and that was about 6 weeks ago.
We are in a weird limbo I think, b/c H hasn't really been working on the house that he wanted to sell and then divorce. So he is not rushing into divorce. He used to spend hours working on the house when he started his affair, then a few months ago, he slowed down to just a bit of working on the house, and the last month or so hasn't really worked on the house at all. (He scraped paint off the front porch for several months, and now isn't doing anything. But no talks or signs that he is interested in the marriage. He has started showing interested in the kids the past month or so, starting to reconnect with them. I think he is in MLC, but don't know if he will ever reconnect with me.
I think he kind of enjoys where he is now, basically living single but eating dinner and spending a few nights with us every week, so maybe doesn't want to mess with that.
I understand the limbo thing. I don't know if things are harder or easier when WS is still home as mine is. Either way, it sounds like they both (yours and mine) have the best of both worlds. Trying to be single or at least the time spent with OP, and enjoying the great family time together. It's because we allow it. With a purpose in mind, but still, we allow it. I have to always reconcile that in my mind. Is it right or wrong. If we get back together, it was a hell of a plan. If we don't, what a stupid plan it was.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Karen, Don't you wish you could just crawl into their heads and see what was going on? I believe if he was still h3ll bent on D, he would be 1) working on the house and 2) have filed already. But who knows!? As far as your changes coming too late (for him) -- I don't buy that. Love is a decision. As Sara said on another thread, love is a verb (I like that).
Karen, Don't you wish you could just crawl into their heads and see what was going on? I believe if he was still h3ll bent on D, he would be 1) working on the house and 2) have filed already. But who knows!? As far as your changes coming too late (for him) -- I don't buy that. Love is a decision. As Sara said on another thread, love is a verb (I like that).
Joie
Oh, yeah, I'd love to see what's in H's head, but I think it might be too scary! He doesn't seem hell bent on rushing into divorce, but we just had R talk, brought up by him, and he is discussing where we are going to live separate houses and all. I think love is a decision but my H has already decided not to love me!
I guess he and I are like oil & water or something. He was mad at me this week he told me b/c when H said he was going to pick up the kids today for a sleepover, I emailed that I thought it would be great but would discuss with my therapist and see if she has any issues or concerns. He said that I was giving my C equal power in making decisions re: the kids, but I told him that I never said that as it isn't true. I really don't understand his anger almost a week later.
I also told him today I wanted to stay in our house and not sell it since I think we will not get any money out of it once we pay the mortgage, closing costs, and real estate agent (with the current bad housing market), and it is much cheaper than the town he is living in and where he has been telling me I will be moving.
He emailed me later he wanted to know when I decided I wanted to stay in our house and he thinks "my inactions" like on that is an example of when I am controlling. I told him I made the decision sometime around Tues or Wed after I discussed it with my therapist and she thought it was a good idea (stability of the kids staying in the same house and better than an apartment with the kids, cat, and large barking dog! He had emailed me Thurs. saying we would be moving to his town and I didn't email him back at that time b/c I was sick, worried about my sick D8, and it was almost midnight, too late for me to want to get into it. So I emailed him all that and told him I decided 3 or 4 days ago and wasn't trying to be evil or controlling in that. I told him I would discuss with my therapist if I am being controlling (deciding where I want to live? ) but I don't think I am. I also wanted to check with you all here and see if you think I am being controlling or unreasonable or whatever.
He also mentioned he doesn't want the kids to see our therapist (afraid she knows too much truth about our family maybe?) I told him I have always been honest with her and told her of all my warts and all and I think it is good she knows what is going on. My shy S14 that never talks was really open & honest and talked a lot with her and I think that is good. (She said she was surprised I said he wasn't talkative.) I asked my H to call the therapist and talk with her first before he makes up his mind. So we basically argued for the whole time he is here. I think I could get along with just about anybody in this whole world except for my H!!!
OMG, he has been emailing me with ?s like how long do I expect him to support me. I told him the legal system in our state, b/c we have been married so long, will expect him to support me (I believe until I remarry or would move in with someone which I wouldn't do. Then he asked me if we are homeschooling how will he spend a weekday night with them and I told him I would probably get full custody and most dads spend time with their kids on the weekends, but if he wanted to keep seeing them on weekdays I am fine with that b/c I never want to stop him from seeing the kids. I am surprised since H is a lawyer and supposedly saw a divorce attorney this is all news to him! (I think he has been in denial or something?!? ) Karen
And he took the kids and I miss them too!!! :(But plan on catching up on laundry and housework and will try to fit in a workout too!
He just emailed me how I want to be dependent on him all my life and how I haven't changed (meaning I have always been very dependent). I said I think homeschooling the kids (both autism spectrum & dyslexic) and working part-time will be as much a full-time job as his & probably more hours. He is not very likeable right now, I don't think. He emailed he doesn't think I'll get full custody and he would get just weekends although I'm a sahm and have been homeschooling them for 7 years? I think he is probably wrong though. Karen
I just emailed H the Florida divorce law info. I do have a college degree in teaching which H thought would prevent me getting alimony, but we've been married over 18 years so my divorce attorney said I would get it. Plus I have been a sahm homeschooling both autism spectrum kids for the last 7 years and live in our house (H moved out of course). They consider moral fitness also!!!! So yeah, I think I would get full custody too with him on weekends. His divorce attorney that he talked to must be terrible! But I also emailed H that even if I got full custody I would never limit his access to the kids ever and the fact that he would think I would & doesn't know what kind of parent or person I am. I said that is probably a partial reason of why we are getting divorced. (I didn't say because of H's affair being the other reason of course!) Karen
H just had to come home b/c he'd forgotten D8's meds & their toothbrushes. I was talking to him on the phone about that and said I think they should just have some toothbrushes, clothes, and some of D8's meds there so we won't have to remember it all everytime and he hung up on me.
Then he came back after the kids just left and said he refuses to have our kids see my C and that he is going to call the insurance company I guess so she will not get paid. He has never talked to her yet even. So now the kids don't have a therapist, and I think she is one of the few in our town, and it takes months to get another. I emailed him to at least talk to her first, or if he has any reasons or objections. I think he is just doing it to be nasty and this will be the first of more to come!!! Karen
Geez, Karen!!! He has not even met her. How can he say he doesn't like her? Your C sounds wonderful to me. She certainly is helping you. I'm sure she would be great for the kids, too (especially if S14 opened up to her). It's hard to find a C that you click with.
He sounds so controlling. Is this C making so much of an impact on you, and your decisions, that H is jealous? Do you think he talked to the kids about what they talked to the C about and that set him off?
Why does he not want them to see her? They need help to get through this. He should at least talk to this C before deciding if she is good for them or not. I would stand up to him on this one! Why should this be his decision?
I'm throwing lots of questions at you just because I just don't get it! Maybe he wanted you to stay depressed, overweight, complacent, etc., but because you're not, because you've actually blossomed, it's just made him angry or jealous?
When's your next appointment? Perhaps you can talk to the C about this. In the meantime, I'd stop mentioning her to your H.
Geez, Karen!!! He has not even met her. How can he say he doesn't like her?
He sounds so controlling. Is this C making so much of an impact on you, and your decisions, that H is jealous? Do you think he talked to the kids about what they talked to the C about and that set him off?
Why does he not want them to see her? They need help to get through this. He should at least talk to this C before deciding if she is good for them or not. I would stand up to him on this one! Why should this be his decision?
I'm throwing lots of questions at you just because I just don't get it! Maybe he wanted you to stay depressed, overweight, complacent, etc., but because you're not, because you've actually blossomed, it's just made him angry or jealous?
When's your next appointment? Perhaps you can talk to the C about this. In the meantime, I'd stop mentioning her to your H.
(((( HUGS ))))
Joie
Thanks, Joie! I will stop mentioning her although I think your advice is sound: I wish he would talk to her. I am wondering if he refuses to talk to her & give her a chance, my SIL was saying I could take them anyway b/c the kids and I are on the insurance plan as well (although H is the primary) and I think if she says they need it we might be able to do that. But I would hate to do that and cause more big fights between H and I. But looking into another therapist will take months always for an appt. so that is a shame.
Talking to my SIL, we both think H is afraid the therapist will testify against him in divorce court. S14 said some negative things about him not being around much so he probably is afraid of that, maybe justifiably so. Yet again, I think H is putting himself and his needs before the kids.
Yeah, I think he is pretty controlling. He wants to decide where I am going to live (during and after the divorce process!) and that I will stop homeschooling and work full-time and he wants me to change everything in my life and the kids' life so it will be convenient for him (and he is friends with a lot of judges in his town so wonder if that is another motivation for wanting the move too).
He is totally angry I think b/c I am not letting him control me anymore. Yes, I consider my C's opinions b/c she is good, but these are all things I have decided on my own and my C is just supportive of my decisions. I have really just gotten strong and self-confident (last year I never would have stood up for myself like this) and I think H blames the therapist and is mad at me!!! I see my C on Thursday and my D8 was also supposed to but I don't know what to do about that. My appt. with her is first, so I guess we'll have to talk about what is the best thing to do re: D8 and the insurance and all that.
H told me he doesn't want to pay alimony (well too bad) and I told him he could see the kids whenever he wanted as long as it wasn't more than 50% of the time, and I think (and he thought for the past 7 years until the OW) that homeschooling was the best for our kids, so that will be an issue we will probably have to fight out in court.
I don't want to fight anymore with H but wanted the kids to get therapy and don't want him to make all my choices for me anymore, so I think he will continue to be angry about that and there will be more fights in the future. I guess I just have to detach or something and try not to let his anger bring me down???
He mentioned going to mediation today for the first time he is so mad at me. My SIL says I need to see my attorney before doing that though but it is a lot of money b/c I have to pay the retainer (my brother is going to have to help out and everything and hope he gets reimbursed later). At least the one good thing is that H is being such a jerk now, that mediation and divorce I guess won't seem as painful as when he was being nice and friendly. Karen
) but I don't think I am. I also wanted to check with you all here 
and see if you think I am being controlling or unreasonable or whatever. 
) Karen