Internet friendships?

[kolle]

Sandi

This is mostly boring detail of my life, I am astounded that you actually read my posts. I mainly post it to journal my emotions, I think it is kinda therapeutic. But your wisdom has already helped me a lot, and I thank you for that.

Of course your medical advice is spot on. Like Alice in Wonderland I give myself very good advice but very seldom listen to me. I am taking it daily now.

I don't think she knew what the movie was about. The husband in the movie was a controlling a$$h*le, but as you said in a previous post, aren't we all?

She is painting a massive canvas at the moment (almost 6 X 8 feet), a commission for people. She has to do a portrait of the wife with her face on the body of a mermaid, swimming with a school of fish. So she asks me my opinion about the arms etc, which I give, and then I say, you should give her a belly ring and mystical mermaid tatoos. I'm not serious, just fantasizing with her about this mermaid. She gets angry and tells me "I'll do what I want, gees, you even want to control how I paint!"

So my anger kicks in, mostly because the big lie between us is taht I am trying to control her, and partly because I felt that she was really unfair. I did not mean it like that anyway. So I give her a piece of my mind and storm out the room. I get in my car and go for a long walk on hte beach. Very therapeutic. It is cold and misty with a strong southeaster blowing, it sorts of remind you that you are alive.

When I get back to the house I apologise for losing my temper, and she says since I leave the house without telling her where I am going she's going to do the same. I say, heavens, do you want to be married to me or not? If you show me your emails to OM I will tell you where I go. She says, I'm not writing to OM. I say, yea sure.

I downloaded Michele's video seminar from the internet on Friday. So last night I ask her to watch it with me. She says I have a snowball's hope that she'll watch it with me, but she may check it out on her own. I tell her where to find it in My Documents. So now I pray that she will watch it.

I still believe in miracles.

Kolle

[kolle]

DB FINISHED

So this is the end of DBing for me. I have only done it for a week or two and I failed miserably. W asked me yesterday wether I received the summons, I said no but when they come I refuse to do anything with it or about it, I refuse to be an accomplice in this crime. One thing followed another and soon I was at her with all the fury in hell. It was like an abscess that was lanced with all the bitterness and anger just spewing out. Any hope of ever reconciliation completely and utterly destroyed. I knew it while I was fighting with her, and it did not bother me at all. In fact this morning I wrote her an email to tell her exactly what I thought of her, how I believed that love is a choice, how she tried to change me all these years (she still back drives me like crazy when we go somewhere) but never tried to change herself, how I changed in the last year for good but she was to wound up in her EOA's to notice. How she lies when she says I abused her emotionally because it started (surprise) the day I came across her pornographic emails to OM. How rage is a natural part of abandonment trauma (its in a book I read, she refuses to read it) and NOT emotional abuse.

I wrote that I do not think I want to be married to a woman who has to build such a structure of lies into her worldviewe just in order to feel good about destroying the people who love her most. It is definitely not the girl I fell in love with.

She is throwing away a perfectly good guy for a fantasy in a fairyland of lies.

So this is it. From today I am the walk away spouse. She cannot abandon me any more because I am abandoning her.

Khalas. It is over.

[sandi2]

I'm so sorry Kolle. I wish you the best life can give you. I hope you will continue to work on yourself b/c there will be somebody out there that will be for you and she will appreciate the person you have become. I hope you will let us hear from you sometime.

Take care of yourself.

Sandi

[kolle]

Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could


There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe


In this time of fear
When prayers so often prove in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
To swiftly flown away

Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe


They don't always happen when you ask
(Oh)
And it's easy to give in to your fears
(Oh...Ohhhh)
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way straight throught the rain
Small but still, resilient voice
Says love is the relief
(Ohhh)

There can be miracles
(Miracles)
When you believe
(Lord, when you believe)
Though hope is frail
(Though hope is frail)
It's hard to kill
(Hard to kill, Ohhh)
Who know what miracles,you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will(somehow,somehow, somehow)
somehow you will
You will when you believe

You will when you
You will when you believe
Just believe...in your heart
Just believe
You will when you believeeeeeeeeeee

[kolle]

Though hope is frail, its hard to kill...

Last night my W came to bed long after me, and she snuggled up behind my back and put her arm around me. She hasn't done that in ages.

This song has been going in my head the whole day.

[sandi2]

Kolle, do you still feel like there may be a tiny bit of hope?
That may have been her way of letting you know that she still loves you in spite of the hurtful words that went down between the two of you.

[kolle]

She told me on wednesday that the summons was now definetely in the post, and said I should go see somebody for anger management so I can be more "normal" -- until I move out (until the judge forces me out) I told her my anger is "normal" for my situation (read the books!), but that I would see someone if she agreed to see someone about her EA. She asked what difference does it make, I said it would remove one major lie from between us: That she did everything in her power to try to save our marraige. If she really tried to save our marraige that EA would never have happened. She says OK, but it will make no difference to the divorce. I say OK, but you will have to live with your conscience.

So my part of the deal is to see someone for anger management. I am sitting there, wondering where to find someone when one of our pastors and his wife walk into my surgery for a checkup, nothing wrong with them, they just want a checkup. I remember that they were involved with marriage enrichment courses, so I tell them my story briefly and make an appointment. Last night I go to see him, and lo and behold, this guy follows the same principles as Michele. He has never heard of her but everything he says agrees in principle with DR. So he gives me a strategy to avoid what he calls "being highjacked by your emotions -- your Reptilian brain" (whatever that might be, I visualise a malignant little velociraptor grabbing the steering wheel in my brain) 1)We make a list of taboo subjects. 2)Whenever anybody brings up one of the subject the other one stops the conversation right there. 3)We can only discuss these subjects in the presence of my therapist. Now apparently she has a lot to tell me about the D, I suppose about why I can't get the kids and when she's going to kick me out the house etc. I tell her if you want to discuss it, you have to come with me to the therapist. She says OK. SO, we are going to see a therapist together. Not for counselling but for my anger management and to discuss the practicalities of the D. As far as I am concerned there is only one practical way to do a D, and that is not to do it.

So, I kept my part of the bargain. I am now waiting to see if she keeps her part of the bargain, which is to see her therapist about the EA.

She also agreed to watch Michele's video seminar. I doubt that she really will but I am praying REAL hard that she will. I am not going to push the point though, I think I will just ask her in a week or so if she did.

[kolle]

Jesus didn't die for you because it was fun
He hung there for love 'cause it had to be done
And in spite of the anguish, his work was fulfilled
Love is not a feeling, it's an act of the will
Love is not a feeling, it's an act of the will

Don Francisco

[FA]

Don't ask her at all about if she watched the video. If it does anything to her she will let you know. Second, I like the concept of your lists. Good points to them. Third, if she sees the therapist about the EA, great! If not, you can't force her hand and you know you don't want to because it will be viewed as pressuring. It is good though to be able to spill your beans to someone that will listen and is non-judgemental isn't it?

[kolle]

Thanks FA!!!

I posted these goals on 14/04/2008

--I will not snoop. I will completely detach from what she may be doing or did before.
--I will not pursue her, seem clingy or needy.
--I will not judge her but support her. I WILL NOT GET INVOLVED IN ARGUMENTS!
--I will casually(!) and HONESTLY compliment W 3 times a day
--I will try to spend time with W every day to tell her about my day and ask her about hers.
--I will try to think of a spectacular 180...
--I will consciously decide every day to love her unconditionally - no matter what.

And here is my assessment:
--I did not snoop at all, although I did read over my w's shoulder while she was at the computer, she was furious.
--I don't tell her ILY or kiss her anymore, but it is very difficult not to pursue, and I think I slipped up a few times. I need to be more detached from her (DAMN I LOVE HER TOO MUCH!)
--I got involved in arguments but I am seeing a therapist now. I did make a snide remark or two, my reptilian brian just LOVES to highjack me. Got to work on that, I think I'll do it by stopping negative thoughts and thinking positive things. The problem is the little reptilian bugger is a sneak, and he jumps from behind things and surprises me.
--I complemented her HONESTLY every day, but then she was very sarcastic about a compliment, so I think I will have to stop it. The problem is it is very difficult to keep quiet when I am overcome by her beauty.
--I spend as much time with her as possible and try to talk about things. It seems to have a positive effect in her attitude towards me.
--I hope my consulting the therapist will result in a 180. The problem is I did 180's before which spun right round into 360's.
--I do decide to love her unconditionally every day. The problem again is to keep the little reptilian bugger under control.

So my new goals are:
--All of my old goals, but I scrap the one about complimenting her. I will now do it sparingly, not more that once a week. I will have to bite my tongue when I feel one coming up, though. It is not easy not to compliment such a fabulous creature.
--GAL with more energy. I started ballroom dancing, but I don't really enjoy it because I want to dance with her only. I will make a point to enjoy it! I need to rejoin a Bible study.
--Do more things around the house for her. I realise that recently I have not cooked and cleaned as often as before.
--I need to spend more time with the kids, collectively and individually. I need to think of practical ways to do this. The difficult ones are S16 and S15. S16 blames me for the D, since I am the one that shouts and screams and breaks things. The little ones are easy, we watch videos together and they sit on my lap.

One example of the exquisite sneakiness of the little reptilian pirate in my head:
I walk past my wife wile she is on the computer: She is on Facebook, writing to a male friend of hers who lives in our city. He is a real loser in materialistic terms: earns a pittance as a party clown and does not even own a car. Maybe he is a fantastic guy and some Mahatma Ghandi in his own right, I just don't see it. Anyway, he has been desperetaly trying to have an A with my W, he asks her about weekly for a physical meeting and writes her all these wonderful compliments and poems. So far she did not fall for him. I haven't snooped for some time now so I don't know what they are discussing now. Anyway, I walk past her and see this guy's face on the computer and say "There's one guy who desperately wants to screw you!"
Bam! The ugly little reptile blindsided me. I did not even see him coming. He highjacked, grabbed control and bolted again. But the damage is done. It is like a big snake in the snake and ladders game that swallows you right down to the beginning again.

If anyone knows of an early reptile detection system, I'm in the market for one!