I'm disgusted by my husband's kiss.....I can't explain it, Sara. The "love" from him is different than the "love" from the OM. That's why I worry that I don't love him like I should. Like I love him like a friend or brother. At the very beginning, we used to kiss like normal lovers would, but very early in the relationship something felt wrong. I didn't get "passion" from him. I realize now that it was his upbringing and lack of emotion from family, but all that said, it is still hard to not get "love" from your husband for so many years. By no emotion I mean he didn't seem to want to have sex much, he didn't give me that look of love, he didn't hold me like he never wanted to let go. He gave me other things that after reading the 5 love languages showed me love, but I never felt it because it was not my way of feeling love. Even after I told him what I needed, and he read the 5 love languages, he still didn't do anything to change. I did. I did show him love even when I felt like I didn't.
I am not just sorry that I had an affair with an immature, out of control man. No matter what he is like, I fell for him. I am sorry I had the affair at all. If I hadn't had the affair we could be working on all of the many issues we have without this big, enormous, sinful choice that I made. We have sooo many issues. It's not a matter of losing interest, I know my H is a wonderful man and we have a wonderful boy together, but our past is making me have a hard time loving him. I don't want to break up the family, and be a part time mother. My son is a main factor here and the fact that H is a good guy. We had problems from the get go. THe first year of our marriage I knew something was wrong. We didn't live together before marriage, etc. We tried to do everything like we should. Even though I knew we had major issues, I believe that when you marry you married forever no matter what. Divorce was not an option. 13 years later, full of pain, I made the mistake of an affair. NO matter what pain he caused me, I should not have done that. I kept telling him what I needed and he didn't listen or do anything. I should have forced a better counselor. We had gone to counseling together, then I went by myself. Nothing seem to make things better.
Maybe I did want him to fight for me? Is that so terrible? I wanted him to show SOMETHING toward me...ANYTHING..... The affairs were while we were separated and I thought we were headed toward divorce. No excuse, but that's the story.
