Cagz is really moving ahead Wierd...

[tpaschal]

I know this-- a year from today I do not want to have my heart rate go up when I see the sob. and I know that i dont want to be obsessing over ow or him anymore....I want my life back

Hey, girlfriend---I'm right there with you on that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate that my heart pounds and I feel sick to my stomach when the phone rings and it's H's number on the caller ID. I hate having to deal with him right now, hate having to talk to him, but hate even more that I feel that way, hate that this is the situation.

I have not run into H and OW in public, but I'm sure it will happen someday, cuz, you know, they're "dating." Living together is dating? Uh huh. I try to prepare myself in my head for it, and how I'll react and what I'll say, but I know it will be one of the most incredibly painful things ever.

But I'm tired of worrying about it. Tired of thinking about him. Sometimes I wish he WOULD move far halfway across the country as he's talked about/threatened to do.

But would that be good for my kids? D14 says she wouldn't care, (but I know she really would, because she's been missing him lately, no matter how much she denies it and no matter how angry she is), and sadly, D5 might not even notice it too much, but S9 would be devastated.

I'm tired of him using the kids to manipulate me.

I'm tired of his threats (not physical) and anger.

I'm tired of how much control H still has over my emotions.

Of how much I LET him control my emotions.