Tough Love through a Letter-Advice needed

[Nutty Chick]

Hi Tipper.

So glad you are feeling better, and wow what a cool job.

It sounds like your husband is in some kind of cycle. I mention this cos I have found the same thing with my H for years.

We would get on well, he would seem to sabotage the relationship, we would talk about splitting up and then he would pull out all the stops to get me back. When he had won me back … we would get on well and so the cycle would start again.

When I actually spent some time thinking about it… I realised that what was happening was that my H was actually enjoying the thrill of the chase. (winning me back) We would then spend a few weeks blissfully in the ‘honeymoon period’ before he got bored again and caused some drama which resulted in us to arguing and talking about splitting up.

Can you relate to this at all?

Nutty.

[Nutty Chick]

Nutty,
What tempted you to file. Are you expecting him to rethink things or are you just competely done with him?

Hello again Tipper.

I have been thinking a lot about this today.

I haven’t given up on my H but I am not going to stand and wait for him. Life is too short and too precious. I am growing and changing and moving on with my life. I need to keep doing that for my own sanity.

My H has an ‘impulse control disorder’. He is a compulsive gambler. I felt I needed to protect myself financially and distance myself from his drama and attention seeking behaviour. He has in the past played the … “but we are still married” card and played on my conscience to get me to help him out. I wanted to take that security blanket away. I wanted him to have to stand on his own two feet. I wanted to free myself of the responsibility of him.

The last few months ‘dark’ has given me time to think over my whole marriage. It was a sham. I want and need to draw a line under that and say ENOUGH. I have changed and grown and what was ok for me then is not ok for me now.

If we were to get back together, my H and I would have serious work to do. Knowing my H as I do, I don’t think he would be willing to do that. But if he is then I am more than willing to try too.

Above all my main motive is that I love my H and I want him to be happy. If OW makes him happy, then surely the right thing to do is to let him go. I would rather he was happy with her than unhappy with me.

Nutty

[cagzmom]

If we were to get back together, my H and I would have serious work to do. Knowing my H as I do, I don’t think he would be willing to do that. But if he is then I am more than willing to try too.

Nutty - said isn't it. We would work on it, but we know them. My H has said he wont even work on himself -- thinks he is to far gone (whatever)...no he just knows he would have to face some stuff and he doesnt want to do that....sad way to end a marriage huh?

[Nutty Chick]

Nutty - sad isn't it. We would work on it, but we know them. My H has said he wont even work on himself -- thinks he is to far gone (whatever)...no he just knows he would have to face some stuff and he doesnt want to do that....sad way to end a marriage huh?

Yea, so sad and such a waste!!

Unfortunatly my H mind is too consumed with his gambling. You know, planning where to get money, plans of how to beat the machine or the table, watching other people play, how he will sepnd his big win.etc. He is consumed with that there is no room for self development.

Sadly it is a progressive disorder, it gets worse over time and has done with my H.

If he could get rid of the gambling there would be a huge void in his life. A space big enough to work on the M... I can but hope.

But in the meantime, I keep putting one foot infront of the other; moving on with my life.

Nutty.

[Nutty Chick]

TIPPER.

Do you have a key to your H home?

Nutty.

[Tipper]

Nutty,
Thanks for writing me back. I guess I can understand why you filed, I am glad that you were able to get to a place where you know what you want and need and are seeking it. It gives me inspiration and hope, that my life will go on and be great even if my H does file.

No, I dont have a key to his house. And I know that it seems wierd that I allowed him to have one to mine even though he left me. But I guess it was the one way that I could show him unconditional love while he is going through his crisis. It is also, the only connection we have left. As I expained before, we havent seen each other in over two months. The dog was his pride and joy and I ended up getting her when we got legally seperated and I know that that killed my H inside. He is obeying my boundaries now and has left a note each time this last week since I spoke up.

Very interesting news - my H text me this sunday night again to see if I would be willing to chat with him. I said o.k. and he said he would text me this week sometime when I get out of work so we can try to get together. I feel like it is a good thing. He is being rather kind this last week and really seems to want to talk with me. I hope that it is good news and not some more MLC bullcrap. I dont even know what to say to him, I have no idea what he wants to say to me. But I know he has been dying to talk to me for a while now but just couldnt muster up enough courage. I know not to expect anything. But his texts seem very nice.

I will keep you all informed. This shall be very interesting.
TIPPER

[Tipper]

bump^^^

[Jack_Three_Beans]

??

Why the bump Tip?

Got a question?

[Tipper]

No, I am just scatter brained right now.

Here's the latest:
H was supposed to contact me sometime this week to meet up and chat with me. When I got home from work he had allready changed his mind it seemed, as he had written me a letter:

-------"I want to chat about our seperation. Its not an easy subject to discuss. We both have strong feelings for each other but we keep butting heads. If you've made up your mind to move on, that would help me to know. Otherwise, were stuck in a mess. I am in no rush to discuss this, but its defenitely got to happen. Feel free to write me.
Take care, H.-----------

So, I Text him later at about 10:30 and said,"If you would like to meet up, I would like it to be in person as we first planned. Let me know".
He responded with "that would be good to meet in person sometime". "Soon".
I text back and said, "O.k."
H text back: "It would be nice if we could just rewind and start all over again. Wouldnt it?"
I said "Yea".

I wonder how long he will wait to contact me. This has been a temperature check - I am sure.

Did I do o.k., What should I do to prepare myself for if he does want to see me and talk about our R? I can only think that I have to be honest and say : I am not moving on with anyone else at this time, I am simply moving forward and I would prefer we try to reconcile our differences, but I cant force you to want to change your mind.
TIPPER

[Nutty Chick]

No, I don’t have a key to his house. And I know that it seems wierd that I allowed him to have one to mine even though he left me. But I guess it was the one way that I could show him unconditional love while he is going through his crisis. It is also, the only connection we have left. As I expained before, we havent seen each other in over two months. The dog was his pride and joy and I ended up getting her when we got legally seperated and I know that that killed my H inside. He is obeying my boundaries now and has left a note each time this last week since I spoke up.

No it doesn't sound stupid. My H had a key to my home after he left. He came and went as he pleased. Cooked food, took a shower, you name it … he had two homes. He never gave me the key to his though that is why I asked. Like you I thought I was showing unconditional love, keeping my door open to him. His was never open to me. Can't understand that somehow .... It was the same with computers.. he could always use mine. His laptop was password coded, I could never use it. I did ask once and he said I may break it !!

When he met OW, I took the key off him.

I wish I had shown tough love and done it sooner.

He doesn't have a key now. He has to MAKE CONTACT if he wants to take son out.

Maybe you are making it too easy for your H to not contact you??
Just a thought....

Very interesting news - my H text me this sunday night again to see if I would be willing to chat with him. I said o.k. and he said he would text me this week sometime when I get out of work so we can try to get together. I feel like it is a good thing. He is being rather kind this last week and really seems to want to talk with me. I hope that it is good news and not some more MLC bullcrap. I dont even know what to say to him, I have no idea what he wants to say to me. But I know he has been dying to talk to me for a while now but just couldnt muster up enough courage. I know not to expect anything. But his texts seem very nice.

I will keep you all informed. This shall be very interesting.
TIPPER

Good Luck Tipper.

Don't build your hopes up. It is easily done.

Nutty.