I do well for a couple of days, then I regress....... Then somehow I find more strength and do well for longer... Then I regress again
YES, it is that way! as you heal the moments when you do well will last longer, same as forgiving, I thought I forgave stbx for all the indignities he put me through the past months, I told C I thought I forgave him but still hurt thinking of them, he told me forgiveness is a process, you just can't forgive and stop hurting in the blink of an eye.
So allow the sad moments, reminding yourself ALL along that you are going through a grieving stage.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat- the grieving is weird isn't it. It comes on at the wierdest times and at the time when you think you are ok.
Today was a weird hard day. I have had to come to terms with the fact that ow is a beaaaaaaaaaaaaaauch BUT be thankful that she is not mean to d11. today a friend reminded me something very important...I call them coming home from h's detoxing...we have ot get back to reality...and i feel taht is true. what she reminded me was this----- that if ow was mean i would have to deal with her emotional side, the saddness etc. Now all i have to deal with is the guilt that d11 feels because she does or doesnt do what she "thinks" she is suppose to do right.
the guilt on teh kids has got to be hell!! Some day - when we are through this i would love to really really be able to talk to d11 and s19 and find out what they really really went through. i am sure it is different and worse then i can even imagine.
H -- he was at the softball game tonight-- hate it when he looks "good" to me he is almost always very attractive..he is not ugly - hate that!! anyway---- i stayed away and i have to say it felt good....i feel good. staying away it is a good thing. of course there is all of hte "i wish he would say he was wrong sorry and all that garbage that gets us know where."
d11 had a great hit and when she came into home plate she ran over and we did the hug and pound and all the fun stuff we do....anyway h -- i could see him beyond my hug to d11 -- he did hte stupid smile...like the guilty happy smile. OH HOW i wish he would just realize what he walked away from ... we had such a great family--- dont get me wrong I am not doing what i did in the beginning...but what i am saying is this...family - love- kids- dogs the whole nine yards it is a blessing and brings something that you don't get when you aren't there...and that is what i am tlaking about. He LEFT adn lost....i hope some day 2 thigns happen. #1 that he will realzie what he walked away from and finally hit bottom and start to work on himself...and #2 I will finally get it that he walked away and that i am okay.
sorry to put so much on one post jsut lots going on through this mind of mine.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
i am having lots of thoughts of "what I would like to do..." dont know how I am going to do them...but they are in my mind.
THINGS I WANT FOR ME IN 2008
I used to teach aerobics. not certified..want to get certified through our local YMCA. I liked teaching -- it is fulfilling plus you get a free Y membership.
I excercised almost every day for over 9 years...with working fulltime and this new life of being a single parent I dont like leaving d11 home alone (plus i dont trust h when it comes to lawyers as she is not legal to leave alone) ANYWHO..i know they are excuses...been here before. BUT I miss excercise....i want it back.
I want my LIFE back. Notice i didn't say H...I mean my life..my thoughts..I am tired of my thoughts being consumed with him or bimbo.. THIS ONE will be the biggest challenge...as it means really letting go.
I want to start taking a class here and there and work towards finishing SOMETHING. I have lots of college credit hours that add up to a bunch of nothing. My current job will pay for continuing ed...and I have found some classes I would liek to take...even though I have hodge pdoge hours I am thinking about finishing up my AA degree--accounting emphasis. THIs one is a work in progress but somethign i want.
I also realized today at work that i take blame alot..one of the guys said cagzmom listen--- you dont need to take the blame unless you are SURE it is really your fault...i realized today taht i always think things are my fault..WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL it isn't always my fault..enoguh of that one!!!
and lastly....I may actually get to play on a coed softball team..taht would make me very very happy - i think---we will see if this pans out but i used to play and it was fun- i am old now but it could be fun
ok enough but it is nice to finalllllllllllllly have some thoughts of what i wold like
also want ot buy a house also want to get a newer car (mine has 210000 miles on it) also want to learn how to cook some new stuff
so fun having all these new thoguhts....
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Some day - when we are through this i would love to really really be able to talk to d11 and s19 and find out what they really really went through
The best time to talk to them is now. I know you are still getting used to the idea of him gone and with ow, but I think it is important you let them know that as you wish things were different that you dont' expect them to take sides, that you dont' want them in the middle and not to feel bad if they have a good time with dad and ow (bite your lip internally if you must ). Now is what matters, talk to them before it becomes a bigger issue internally.
Your goals sound awesome!!! start small, take only one class, go work out during your lunch hr (I do that now, 2x a week), or after kids go to bed (I try to do that 2x, it usually ends up being only 1x, but hey, it is something!)
Quote:
does he think about the good ever?
chances are, he's blocking it all and tries not to, chances are, you are the one who spends more of time brooding about a person who doesn't think about the sitch for half the amount of time that you do. It is futile to hope to get into their heads, because if we were able to, we will encounter an alternate universe. They prob remember things we forgot about and forgot things that are burnt in our minds, you would go nuts trying to argue things he believes are right and you would disagree with his version of the past.
I know we women place so much enphasis on the ow, it is hard not to, not a day goes by that I dont' think of them, but thank heavens, with less bitterness. But keep in mind, the ow was an after thought, and whatever kind of person she is it doesn't really matter. We want to look at their faults to, frankly, make ourselves feel better. We dont' need to do that, we are on our own, wonderful women and mothers.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I wierd thing happened today. I was talking with a friend. He is a guy at work- he is in a relationship and very safe-- and we have become friends. He has gone through this - his wife left him for his best friend! They have been divorced for 5 years and she has remarried..to the best friend.
ANYWAY--- he works where I am and is someone of some importnace...anyway he always jokes about me coming to work in his department...we started discussing my job/title and I was telling him it was confusing bla bla bal. ANYWAY -- we were talking and I said "friend" this job has made me want to better me...and you are my friend--- and you know that I deserve to bve more than just an "xyz". I am "worth more" ....anyway the wierd part was this....I am really starting to BELIEVE it....I got kinda teary eyed and said...jeez friend look what you did. He smiled and said you did that all by yourself.....I said..I guess it is time for me to see that I really am worht something...quite wierd after all these years.
My value was stripped by H leaving. Being the wonderful co-dependant woman that I am I had put all my value in him - being his wife, lover - mother to my kids....AND FINALLY I am starting to see that I am kinda important and actually do have some value.... it was wierd.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
it takes a while, but eventually it comes, the realization that we are worth without the approval of men, specially the Hs. You ARE worth it, very much so)))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Was going to lunch with the "boys" from work. And seriouslly they are boys one is 24 about to get married, the other only 26....they are like my "sons" and my friends.
Anyway- one of htem wanted a steak so we thought Outback may have a lunch menu--well they were closed, so we decided ok lets head to Chilis. .... wellllllllllll H's work is about 5 minutes from where I work and in the past 6 months we have NEVER crossed paths....but today oh oh oh it was so close. Friend 24 went to park and i happened to turn my head and saw H's car. Now remember he has a dealer plate and I know teh car he is driving so it was real easy to spot...I was like "oh crap." they were like "what" I said..he is here..they got their "brother chest out..." you know the ones that every girl wants when their boyfriend hurt them and the brother is going to beat them up.. =) ANYWAY I said he is here. They said..."So...what do you want to do" I aws like crap...then said ok ok lets go in ..then tehy were like no...and my heart rate was all high and it was just plain freakin' WIERD!!!
then friend 26 says..Cagzmom when it is all said and done and things are signed and stuff...do you think you will be done? I said why are you sick of hearing about it? he said no....i was just wondering..then he said how long has he been gone and i said its been a year.. I said do you think I should be over it by now?? he said...a year? no...you were married a really long time..... i said i want to be over it --- and that is alot further than I was a year ago.
I know this-- a year from today I do not want to have my heart rate go up when I see the sob. and I know that i dont want to be obsessing over ow or him anymore....I want my life back
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
It's great that these younger friends are so supportive and "get" that 1 yr out of 20yr M is not "too long" to DB, to heal, to transition. It astounds me that anyone can just turn away like M never happened. That level of disconnect is so hard to accept on a personal level. Seeing how you have progressed emotionally over the past year and your increasing self worth are good affirmations. To my way of thinking, I can at least get some good out of all this by learning and growing as a person. Sounds like that is working in your life. . . .
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
Some really great insights on your part. You are growing so fast and being so productive. I as so proud of you......
I am reading the "Prodigals Perspective" for the 20th time. Your H is constantly thinking of you. When he is alone with OW and performing the nasty deed, he thinks of you. He feels in his heart that something is wrong, missing, etc... He misses his family, his past life, you... He is so unhappy and miserable. Take consolation in this. Believe it to be true. No one can replace your covenant spouse.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
). Now is what matters, talk to them before it becomes a bigger issue internally.