he so doesnt act MLC, except for this issue..the rest of the time hes as normal as can be...so its confusig
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
No it doesn't sound to me as if he has MLC. It sounds to me like a man who has a mistress and a wife. Even allowing for the often over used MLC senorio, he should still be showing by his actions that he is committed to rebuilding your marriage. Falling over backwards to be transparent in all areas of his life to gain your trust. I admit to being skeptical about alot of advice on dealing with MLC-in fact I often think the spouse may have read the book and knows we wont say A,B,or C in case we spook them or view it as controlling etc. I don,t think you should stay quiet-I don't think you have gone on and on ad nauseum just brought up the subject at various times. I do think IMO you have to decide what it is you want and what it is you are not prepared to accept. Are you willing to have your H home at any cost ie sharing him with his mistress and her living in the apartment--if he can be intimate with you also?(not as daft as it sounds works for some) Do you want intimacy and your H fuly committed to your marriage and NO contact AT ALL with the OW? Do you just want OW out of the apartment? Do you just want intimacy? Do you just want to be happy,contented and at peace with your life? Do you want to feel valued and a whole person who is shown love and respect by your husband and or others? Lots of choices,some more complicated than others. ALL requiring effort on your part and a total committment to follow through bringing them about. Get that pen and paper out make a list of things you will put up with and things you definately can't/won't. DECIDE for and against-your choice-no one is judging you.Once you have a clear decision then make another list of how you will proceed to bring it about. This is your list, what H says or does is not important at this point. You have the power, you have a choice. List,decide and then DO. Anything has got to be 100% better than continuing in this self imposed limbo. I know you think its all conditional on what H does and that is what is keeping you in limboland. He is making his choices,his actions tell you that. I know you are at the point were you can make yours. God Bless YOU and he will.
[color:#000099]yep kinda spinning....taking a tough stance seems like against everything i tried to change. putting up with it well it hurts, i just want him to want me thats all. I want him to want to close that chapter. sometimes i think i want to tell him i love him but i cant be in love with him like this.
OH sweetie, that spinning is the most painful and upsetting of spots, IMO. I still go there too often, it hurts, and I'm so sorry you are there right now.
Listen, 20 years ago in my first pass through 12 steps, my sponsor told me "it is okay to decide NOT to decide right now." That advice may apply in your situation. As long as you acknowledge it to yourself, that you are consciously deciding not to decide to day, maybe that will give you some breathing room to get back a little peace.
YOu've stated your boundary, and made a reminder. Maybe you can just let that hang out there, and spend the next couple of weeks getting strength, seeking counsel, and just listening for guidance. Then you can decide later, when you aren't spinning so fast.
I don't know that much about piecing, but it seems that when you are truly in that stage, complete openness and honesty is needed, even to the point of encouraging the betrayed spouse to snoop. The returning spouse has to PROVE that they want to win you back, not just say the words.
I just wanted to comment on this...
Having been through a MAJOR MLC with my H I don't think this a realistic thing to look for...my H (under the influence of alcohol) poured his guts out to me before he returned...he said how sorry he was...how guilty he felt...HOWEVER, when he was sobered up he had no recall of this...he did say he was sorry, he was scared...he did NOT encourage snooping and he really didn't feel that he needed to PROVE anything or that he needed to WIN me back...he said, "I wouldn't be here if I didn't want this to work."...for some they really and truly want to put what they did behind them and not recall it because of the guilt they feel...
I know my H and I would talk about "her" sometimes...and when I discovered there was a one time email contact after he had been home for 9 months we were able to talk about that...but again...I don't think it is reasonable to expect EVERY man to come back crawling on his knees begging forgiveness and trying to prove himself with everything he does...some make a "silent" return...
"I don't think it is reasonable to expect EVERY man to come back crawling on his knees begging forgiveness and trying to prove himself with everything he does...some make a "silent" return..."
I don't think anyone is suggesting this-crawling and begging etc.... I do think the past can be the past but surely the point being is the future and rebuilding, that imo cannot be built if there is no honesty,no transparency about the now and no attempt made to show some regret. Otherwise what is the point,any day any time they could just walk again-as they often do it seems. I don't advise a constant rehashing of the past but for my own peace of mind and self worth I would need some reassurance and committment. You can only sweep things under the rug for so long before it creeps to the edge and reappears. I guess we are all different in what we will tolerate and accept. Bottom line is what will you accept to just have your h home and how many people you will allow in your marriage.
There will not be roses and chocolates (although I do like Roses chocolates).
Regardless of what type of homecoming you get there still has to be boundaries, and communication and a willingness to work on the Marriage by BOTH parties.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
This I agree with...My H was willing to reassure me of his commitment but he didn't really want to go back and talk about what HAD happened...he wanted to move forward...I don't think we swept anything under the rug either...
I did have boundries and we did communicate...and there was willingness to work by both of us...but my H wasn't one to bring up any of the past and he didn't like to talk about much...he was ready to be forgiven and recommit...that was his PROOF...had I wanted to snoop and have him be transparent I don't think he would have felt like he was forgiven...if I had reason to doubt that was one thing but he didn't want to be micro-managed...he wanted to be forgiven and to move on...
For us this has worked out...we did some minimal counceling...he did some more individual counseling for alcohol and past child abuse issues...but as for us a couple I couldn't ask for much more then where we are now...things are very good...we have good comunication...we are close...we both continue to GAL so that we don't fall into that co-dependent rut again...
BND said it best "Hollywood" endings are not likely to happen and if that is what you wait for you may never get it!...and you may not get back a marriage that is quite saveable if you insist on this...
I don't think it is reasonable to expect EVERY man to come back crawling on his knees begging forgiveness and trying to prove himself with everything he does...some make a "silent" return...
Lin
Oh, I didn't mean to suggest crawling and begging and pleading. I just mean an honest committment to do what's necessary to re-earn your trust. And if that means being open to you reading his emails or text messages for a time, or checking the cell phone bill closely each month, or kicking the OW out of an apartment he owns, then that's what needs to be done. It can be done very calmly and quietly, without any fanfare or drama.
But if they are not open to that, if pride or not wanting to feel "controlled" or whatever gets in the way, then it seems to me that they are not fully committed to re-earning your trust and building a new R.
Just MHO, of course. I'm not personally anywhere close to that...this is just what I've picked up from reading DR and threads here, and from what a couple of my RL friends have gone through in "piecing" their M's.
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
I guess, reading all this, that in Imlin's sitch, although her H had SOME contact with the OW to assauge his guilt, or whatever, Patti's H doesn't appear to be limiting his contact or even feeling guilty apart from when he is caught.
I agree totally with neaj. Patti's H appears to be cake eating big time and I would question him being in a 'fog'. I honestly believe he has Patti exactly where he wants her. I don't think he is in MLC an longer.
That is why I take such a tough stance - I believe he is cruel and manipulative. This woman has bent over backwards to make his homecoming as pleasant and easy as possible and he has played her.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
SAFFIE, I DONT THINK HE HAS MUCH CONTACT WITH THE COW. HE JUST CANT/WONT SEVER THAT LAST TIE.
WHAT DO I WANT??? i WANT HER OUT OF OUR LIVES OUT OF THAT APT. I WANT MY M BACK INTACT COMPLETE W/ INTAMCY. MAYBE I EXPECT TOO MUCH....
MAYBE HE JUST NOT CAPABLE RIGHT NOW. HE IS A GREAT ONE TO COMPARTMENTALIZE. PUTS IT IN A SPOT THEN DOESNT HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
