Just got home from dinner with my beautiful and horribly confused wife. It did not go well. She has checked out of the marriage 100%.
We sat down and ordered a bottle of wine and dinner...we sat on a sunny patio at street level, it was really nice. This bistro was our favourite place.
We started off talking about what we've been up to, about her promotion, about my music and my work. But the convo eventually came around to "us", and she told me that she hoped I was moving forward. I told her I was, and (once again) that I was open to reconcile but I sure wasn't waiting for her to make up her mind. She said "well don't wait...because I just don't think I am coming back". "So, this is our breakup dinner?" I asked. She started crying and saying how sorry she was. I never cracked, I just said I was sorry too, and I thanked her for helping me move forward with no guilt.
I told her I had thought there was a tiny glimmer of doubt that would keep her hopeful for something to happen with us, but it appears that this is not the case.
She said she loves me so much, but she is certain that she'll never get the 'loving feelings' back.
So, we finished our dinner, I drove her home and now here I am.
As I dropped her off, we talked a bit, she kept trying to hold my hand, and she cried a lot...once again, I kept my composure. No way was she going to see me cry this time.
I asked her to promise that if she ever changed her mind, that she would at least let me know. I said it may mean that I tell her "too late, that ship has sailed", or it could mean that I choose to break the heart of another woman, to go back to her. We never know until it happens. She promised me that she would do that...she said she owed that much to "us".
My marriage is over. How it hurts for me to type that. Previous thread.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
MM dont lose heart my friend. your M is not done utill the ink is dry on the papers. I know thats line seems a little overdone but its true. LRT is always a option and you know from the past with your W she pulls back but then comes closer. she seems so confused and lost. keeep GAL and realy be open to rec but not waiting for it. she needs to make some effort right now. if she does make a move twords ya then awsome your ready. if not your GAL and not crumbeling. either way if you dont give up inside then the M still has a chanch. loos the e-mails and the H actions and let her miss ya. be dark. one thing that has struck me is tjhe fact she has never had to face life without you as a friend. let her feel that emptyness.
I'm so sorry to hear about this, Mink. Sounds like a brutal night. I understand you completely about holding back on the feelings, though I'm sure this wasn't easy in the least for you inside. I can't understand it--she seemed(s) to still be struggling, not resolved about it. It has always been hard for me to understand how someone can leave without knowing what they want.
I think Marcum makes a very key point above in his post about her not really knowing what life is like without you in it. She's also said how she feels jealous that you are doing such a great job in GAL for yourself. You've continued to be an emotional anchor point in her life throughout this whole thing (and your M.), so it will be a big change for her not having you in it. I wonder if she knows what that will be like.
I feel your heartbreak, MM. She's bounced around on this a few times before though...let's see what the next few days bring. In the meantime, this totally, totally sucks. BUT, all that great work you've been doing on yourself and GALing has not been for nothing. In fact, it's a good foundation for you, no matter what unfolds in the next while (and I'm not 100% yet convinced that this is how the story ends).
I'll check back in with you soon. Get some rest tonight if you can at all...I know you must be hurting incredibly right now.
Guess it will be a bit weird tomorrow (Saturday), since we are getting together to move our boat to the broker's marina to be offered for sale. W is coming here at 8:00am.
But if this is what she wants, this is what she gets. I will continue to be her friend, because as upset as I am, I am not angry with her. I can't force her to be with me.
But, you CAN force her to see what it feels like to lose you.
Will you? Will you back off, never tell her again that you love her, that the door is open, that you are 'there for her'?
Because that's what 'losing you' means.
Yes, she does love you. What she doesn't understand yet is how much she will LOSE when she let's YOU go.
And she won't understand that until YOU let HER go.
Will you?
Absolutely, yes I will, Frank. And it isn't because I want to "teach her a lesson" or "stick it to her"...it's because that is what I need to do for me, to be able to life my life in a healthy, non-dependent way.
I will answer her phone calls and emails, but will not initiate any.
I will casually date other women.
I will vacation alone, or join friends on theirs.
I will stay in touch with my in-laws.
I will not bad-mouth her to anyone, especially our (grown) children.
To me, it means going out for a glass of wine, shooting the breeze, enjoying a movie....but without the expectation that a relationship will ensue.
It means not being exclusive to the other person, and vice versa.
Of course, it is possible that after a few casual dates, something could happen to take it to another level, but to me it still means just enjoying the company of a woman in a social situation.
I am getting a little tired of just going out with my buddies!
Mink, then go out with a woman friend, once you label it a date then all that dating can mean ensues, you are opening up a can of worms that may backfire on you. I spend time with a woman friend every two weeks or so, we usually take our kids and do something together, the odd time we have dinner together without them. It's nice and we've been friends for years but it's not a DATE. I know you're frustrated, feeling unwanted and a little validation feels pretty good right now but I'd advice validating yourself versus putting someone else in a position that creates a lot of boundary issues that won't be talked about and therefore will be left to the imagination of both of you. It's something I would avoid right now unless you are done with W. You're not done, you're just tired and discouraged right now. That's my 2 cents for what it's worth!
I will answer her phone calls and emails, but will not initiate any. Do this briefly, always matter-of-factly and NEVER immediately.
I will casually date other women. Bad move unless you are 110% over your marriage and you have ABSOLUTELY no thoughts of there EVER being a reconciliation. It jacks up any good things that may happen with your wife and it is EXTREMELY unfair to the other women you may "casually" date. It's just not right because feelings happen like sh*t happens and you don't have the right to place someone in a position where they might come to care for you romantically only to find that YOU are not emotionally available.
I will vacation alone, or join friends on theirs Good plan and don't tell her how much you wished she was there either .
I will stay in touch with my in-laws Another good plan. And do not talk about wife PERIOD. Your relationship with them is INDEPENDANT of HER. .
I will not bad-mouth her to anyone, especially our (grown) children Smart choice because that just makes you come off bitter and bitter is unattractive .
It's an adjustment, but one I need to embrace Indeed but is it necessary to compromise your integrity in the process by "casually dating"? I would think not...
My opinion, for whatever it might be worth, is that you shelve the casual dating idea for the time being and revisit the idea in a month or two.
