Ok, last night was hard. I went to my phone to get rid of it (its' been in my closet) and I saw a message from OM. Om left a message saying if I don't answer him he was coming over so I had to call him back and had to tell H. My son (5) has been sheltered from all of this, and I don't want OM coming and him seeing it all. H understood. He was right there as I called. I basically let the OM rant and rave until he finally said he would stop contacting me. I told him I'm getting rid of the phone so he won't be able to anymore. This was hard on all of us. It was hard on H because he said it was easier when he thought it would just all go away. He said now he wants to know details. I told him I would tell him anything he wanted to know because I don't want him thinking I have secrets that I want to keep from him, but I said that I don't think details will help us. I said I'd leave it up to him. He asked a few things, and I answered. We had nice, Friday plans that were ruined but It's good to get feelings out I guess. I feel bad for OM because he is hurting and I am the cause. I'm the cause of two people's pain. I still think about OM so it makes it even harder. I constantly worry about running into OM. I wish I wasn't so stupid and I wish I hadn't done this. H and I have a long road ahead of us. He kissed me last night and today and I am just disgusted by it. I don't show it, but I think it. This is so hard. H asked why I didn't just tell him that I started having feelings for someone else and it is close to being physical...he said he would have done something. I wish I had done that. I wasn't thinking. I was mad at him for not doing anything on his own. Now, all of that doesn't matter. I just wish I could take what I did away. I wish H would have done something ...ANYTHING...the past 3 years, to try to keep me. I'm just so upset. H and I made plans for a date tonight. I need to try to enjoy him. I'm thinking about the pain OM is going through. God, why can't I just be happy...
