THANKS LIN...I THINK WE HAVE CLINGY FEEDING HIS GUILT OW...WHO IS CONTENT TO STAY IN THAT APT WITH THE PRETENSE OF THEY ARE DONE BUT SHE ISNT REALLY...JUST PLAYING HER HAND....
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
My comments were in general regarding communication. Not a slight at Patti or her husband in particular. I would think that if you were back together, trying to repair the relationship, communication would be a focal point.
As for my time dealing with an MLC'er? Well, I guess it's been nearly a year and a half, since, despite my divorce, I still have dealings with my ex because of our boys. I'm not really sure what the significance is anyway Angelica, unless you're suggesting I'm not qualified to be dispensing advice here.
I'm not sure how anyone gets that I'm attacking Patti. As far as I can see, her only "mistake" is in not being more definitive in dealing with her husband now.
Sheesh....sorry for intruding.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
UHMMM BILL...I DONT SEE YOU AS ATTACKING AT ALL!!!!!
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Bill....I think despite how quickly your marriage ended that you still saw the mistakes that happened and had your xW been able to come out of her MLC to see it that you two probably would have had a chance...I do think you have good advice to share...
I would like to comment on "if yu were back together, trying to repair the relationship, communication would be a focal point."
While this is the IDEAL situation to have sometimes...like with my H and evidently with a new 2moro's H...is that they might return a bit too soon...then the dynamics are totally different...you really have to go on gut and history...even though I questioned myself often I had a gut feeling that if my H was to get back to where he was emotionally that our history would pick up and we would reconnect and ultimately recommit...he did pretty much what I see here...although the OW in our case was not financially dependent on my H...I didn't attack her character...although he knew my feelings...I tried to be patient with him and trust his word that he was trying to love me again...realizing that he would need time to get over all the feelings with OW...as long as he was willing to be with me...and for the most part not be in contact with her...I was patient on the intimacy and the physical connection...the emotional connection was to take much longer...and required much more patience...
I hope this clarifies for some....and Bill...keep posting you have much to contribute from what I am reading!
Bill, you're a male perspective here, please keep posting.
It is unfair to anyone here to say your advice only applies if you have been doing this X ammount of time.
If the advice is sound, the advice is sound.
It is up to the person recieving the advice to judge the merits of the poster, and if the advice can be used or implemented.
IF BND gave me advice about how to handle a divorce, and I love BND, I be going, well...you didn't get one, how does this apply, how do you know? If the advice was still good, I'd listen.
N2M,
Are you pushing your own buttons on any of this? I know my wife came back too soon. I had to stop getting myself worked up, I had to get out of the mindset that this is going to fail, I had to stop looking for reasons why it wouldn't work. So I am curious, how much of this is your doing to yourself. And I am not being mean here. It is an honest question, because I did it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
yep kinda spinning....taking a tough stance seems like against everything i tried to change. putting up with it well it hurts, i just want him to want me thats all. I want him to want to close that chapter. sometimes i think i want to tell him i love him but i cant be in love with him like this.
i reminded him just matter of factly he had 20 days left. well uhm there was no way he could legally do that blah blah...i told him if he had said something april 1st this wouldnt be an issue. well he thought i understood about the rent situation and agreed to let him rent the apts...no ididnt i just listend to his spiel thats all.....so know hes come up with the end of june...yeah right i said...it aint happening and you know it. it will be july and he will have been home a year and she will still be here....he doesnt think so...idiot. maybe i will find a place to stay.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Not saying that you should, just wondering why you would.
At least you had a conversation about it.
I hope you can find a way to let it go and stop your spinning. I can see both sides to the "what to do" argument. Perhaps that's why this has been so tough for you.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I don't think you should even think about leaving.
I wonder if you took a different approach and NOT bring up how many days left, etc......
Remember, when dealing with these MLCers, every time they are reminded of something such as this, they view it as mommy telling them what to do, us being controlling/manipulative and so on.
I would maybe keep quiet about it for awhile.
If you plan on a course of action, remember actions speak louder than words............
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I can't remember if I've posted to you before, but I've followed your thread for a while. I'm so sorry for all the continuing pain you are going through.
You've gotten a lot of great advice, but coming from two different perspectives---one is how to handle this if you are in "Piecing" and the other is how to handle this if your H is still in the midst of MLC.
You know your H and we don't, so only you can determine which it truly is, but IMO, from many things your H says and does it sounds like he is still in the midst of MLC. Several have said that their WAS/MLC'ers returned too soon, and that may be exactly where you are now.
I don't know that much about piecing, but it seems that when you are truly in that stage, complete openness and honesty is needed, even to the point of encouraging the betrayed spouse to snoop. The returning spouse has to PROVE that they want to win you back, not just say the words.
But even if your H is still in the midst of his MLC, and is cake-eating and just mouthing the ILY's instead of TRULY being ready for piecing, you could look at this as an opportunity to DB your H until he really IS ready for it.
Many {{{hugs}}} and prayers are with you.
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
