M from T - I tend to believe that your W is not having an A from the evidence you have gathered. I also dont think you need this DUDE to visit you yet - you seem to have it together pretty well in spite of your great thread title. You have ridden this bull in the rodeo before and know the signs to look for.
I think it is ok to snoop to find out initially if there is an A. You could even then choose to expose the A as it is thought that once it is out in the open, the thrill of the secrecy is gone and it stands a higher chance of dying of quicker. However, once you have the information of an A, snooping further is only going to cause grief for you. You will have nothing to gain by continued snooping.
But, be prepared that once you confront them with the fact of the A, that they may use the snooping against you. They will say this is an intrusion into their privacy (which it is). What they are doing is trying to deflect the guilt of being caught in an A. Anger towards you is the best way to do this. They need to make you out to be the bad guy to justify their own immoral behavior. The A is a far more serious betrayal of trust than snooping in my opinion.
It doesn't always happen this way as I can attest. I did not purposely snoop when I found out about the A. I could not get a hold of my W one night when she was out with a lady friend. So I needed to get a hold of her for a question about the kids and looked at the cell phone records online to see if I could find her friends phone number from the times they went out. I found a number and called it - it was another man. One that W was having many phone calls with. I also found another number which was called often to another man. I did reverse phone number lookups and got all their information. One man was 67 years old - this is the one W lives with now.
When I confronted her, she asked how I found out and I told her. She was not angry that I snooped. At this time she also told me the famous "I dont love you anymore" line. I still snooped to see if the phone calls continued. W tried to call with her cell phone through an international long distance provider to make local calls to these guys thinking I would believe she was calling her mother in Thailand. I looked at the records for the long distance provider and found out she was trying to hide the calls. When I confronted her, she felt trapped like a rat and was embarrased, but she was not angry that I snooped.
Over the next month, I periodically kept checking if she was calling the other guys. She was. But, what was it getting me - nothing but frustration. I gave up the snooping long ago and I am glad I did.
