She will be calling to check in on them both Friday and Saturday night.
Ping. This is a BIG RED FLAG. I don't want to burst your bubble, but I do want you to be observant.
How many women do you know that go to the beach with their mother for a Friday and Saturday night? If you have been reading much on this site, you should be aware of how often the WS seems to "go away" for the weekend to see their "parents, long lost friends, a relative, girls weekend... etc..
I encourage you to do some "snooping" (secretly) to get to the bottom of this. It is extremely important to know what you are up against when your marriage is hanging by a thread. Most times women do NOT leave a man or a marriage unless there is another man in the picture. Do not say anything to your wife at this point. I have seen this type of thing happen again and again and again. There is almost always another man in the picture.
I realize that you don't think that there is. You could be wrong. Your wife has pulled away emotionally from you for a reason. I think you need to find a way to make sure that what she says she is doing, is actually what she really IS doing this weekend. Parents and friends are usually the first "cover" they use.
I am sorry to say this to you, but I hope you want my honesty as well as my encouragement when helping you. It wouldn't be fair to you if I let this pass without being brutally honest with my thoughts and suspicions with your situation.
Excellent job on assuring her that the boys are perfectly fine with you for the weekend. This is good and should be standard procedure for you from this point forward.
GL, thanks for your honesty, her mother is at the beach and has been all week, her mother asked her to go last weekend but ballgames came up so she didn't go. I have done some snooping and it got me nowhere.
I assure you GL, if and when she gets involved with someone else, I am done, that is my last straw, I will fight the fight until then. I know I say this now and that mindset may change but I will fight the fight that's worth fighting in my mind.
Yes it is hard to believe someone would leave without having someone to run to. I was an a$$ in our marriage, I felt like many on here that my M was set in stone. I never thought I would be in the position I am in today and for that I am now paying for it dearly. She told me I wasn't a happy person, she got tired of the put downs that I would say, she got tired of me not being happy, she thought I wasn't happy with her. She got tired of always being the one to try and to put it in her words right now she is just too tired to try anymore.
GL. as long as no other person comes in the picture, I feel that I have some sort of chance to save my M. As you have read my posts, I have listed some of my positives that I am going off of as far as the house, financials not being split, and no seperation papers between us. Although I do know in NC you are really legally seperated once you stop living together. With these positives, I have to believe that W is holding out to see the changes in me and see if they will stick. She stated early on in this process that she promised our boys that the day I left that they would never have to go through that type of day again, I believe she is going to make darn sure that if and when the day that I am able to go home she will know in her mind the time is right and the changes are there to stay.
I realized last week also that one thing she has been telling me for a long time was to change and be happy, stop being ill and down all the time. Well up until last week, for the past 5 months I have not been able to show her happiness because of this mess I am in. I have finally realized that I have to change this, she is looking for this, you and others helped me see this, I have not paid it any attention thinking I am suppose to be acting down, that is not what she is wanting to see, she told me I was not a happy man and the past 5 months I proved her right.
Ping, You are doing a great job! Your positive PMA comes through in your posts. This weekend will be a great opportunity to show your W that you can handle things with your boys. When she calls, sound positive and upbeat and let her know that everything is great. Good luck to you!
Thanks Addie, I am feeling much better, I have all but detached but not really detached if you know what I mean. Thanks for checking on me.
Thanks for dropping back in GL, I thought you had went away. I really appreciate the advice you have given me over the last 2 weeks, it really is helping me look at things differently and seeing them from a different side. I hope you will stick around and continue to help me through this, I feel much more better off than I did a few weeks ago.
Still making lots of pars, hoping to score some birdies along the way and then set the pace with a bunch of eagles to wrap this tournament up.
W is heading to the beach tomorrow, I assured her I would take care of the boys and they will be fine, we will make both kids practices and games this weekend along with help from other parents. She will be calling to check in on them both Friday and Saturday night. Should be a good weekend.
Ping, you have a good chance to score really well this weekend. I know you'll do a great job and your W will come back and there will have been no problems...if those boys have fun and tell your W about it...major points I think.
Thanks Mike, we are going to have a great time this weekend, ball games begin Saturday morning at 8:30, another at 10:00, these games are 35 miles away and then we have to come back to go to S7's practice from 1-3:30. Will not know Sundays schedule until after they play Saturday and how they finish. I will go over and check your thread to see how you did today with the C.
GL, thanks for your honesty, her mother is at the beach and has been all week, her mother asked her to go last weekend but ballgames came up so she didn't go. I have done some snooping and it got me nowhere.
I assure you GL, if and when she gets involved with someone else, I am done, that is my last straw, I will fight the fight until then. I know I say this now and that mindset may change but I will fight the fight that's worth fighting in my mind.
Yes it is hard to believe someone would leave without having someone to run to. I was an a$$ in our marriage, I felt like many on here that my M was set in stone. I never thought I would be in the position I am in today and for that I am now paying for it dearly. She told me I wasn't a happy person, she got tired of the put downs that I would say, she got tired of me not being happy, she thought I wasn't happy with her. She got tired of always being the one to try and to put it in her words right now she is just too tired to try anymore.
GL. as long as no other person comes in the picture, I feel that I have some sort of chance to save my M. As you have read my posts, I have listed some of my positives that I am going off of as far as the house, financials not being split, and no seperation papers between us. Although I do know in NC you are really legally seperated once you stop living together. With these positives, I have to believe that W is holding out to see the changes in me and see if they will stick. She stated early on in this process that she promised our boys that the day I left that they would never have to go through that type of day again, I believe she is going to make darn sure that if and when the day that I am able to go home she will know in her mind the time is right and the changes are there to stay.
I realized last week also that one thing she has been telling me for a long time was to change and be happy, stop being ill and down all the time. Well up until last week, for the past 5 months I have not been able to show her happiness because of this mess I am in. I have finally realized that I have to change this, she is looking for this, you and others helped me see this, I have not paid it any attention thinking I am suppose to be acting down, that is not what she is wanting to see, she told me I was not a happy man and the past 5 months I proved her right.
Thanks for stopping in, sorry for the long post.
Ping..my wife said the same exact things to me..I was not happy..etc..to the letter.
I spoke to a coworker today that went through this some years ago, his situation was alot like mine, his wife told him he was happy, he was angry and she wanted to end the marriage. He left the house and begged and pleaded for about the first month. His father sat him down and told him to take a break for a year, get his own life, enjoy life, don't beg and plead with you W, you are embarrassing me.
He then began to get his life back together, he didn't call his W, the only time they talked was when he called to talk to his kids or when he went to pick the kids up. Some 3 months later after he stopped persuing her, she wanted to reconcile the marriage. Guess what, he had moved on with his life and didn't want to reconcile. He was tired of her fussing whenever he would play golf or do things with his friends. He stated he did not date during this time nor did his wife. Once he detached from her, she became back attracted to him but it was too late for him. They are D now, he has moved on and remarried and is happy. His W today does not do the nagging that his X did. He was the one wanting to save his marriage at first then realized it was not only him that screwed up and realized he was better off without her.
He told me to back off completely with W, he knows W also and says there is no way she is involved with someone else. She sounds alot like his W sounded from what he is telling me. I guess the reason I am posting this is because it does give more hope for my sitch.
When I was telling him about this site and what they recommend, he said he couldn't agree more, when he put these actions into place was when his W came around to him and wanted to reconcile. He said she was SHOCKED when he told her he was done and didn't want to get back into the marriage.
So for those of you out there who are going through this along with myself, take this advice, this is what Michelle preaches, I know it is very difficult. I have detached for the last 2 weeks and I feel much better about myself and my friendship with W. I am praying that my W will come around sooner or later but I know I can't be the one to push this to happen, she has to be the one to make that decision.
From what I have read on this site with those who have busted their D, I see a common time frame of 6-10 months for their spouse to come around. I am at month 5 right now but for the first 4.5 months I did everything wrong so it may take me longer, time will tell if she will ever come around.
Good luck to everyone reading this, there is hope.
I spoke to a coworker today that went through this some years ago, his situation was alot like mine, his wife told him he was happy, he was angry and she wanted to end the marriage. He left the house and begged and pleaded for about the first month. His father sat him down and told him to take a break for a year, get his own life, enjoy life, don't beg and plead with you W, you are embarrassing me.
He then began to get his life back together, he didn't call his W, the only time they talked was when he called to talk to his kids or when he went to pick the kids up. Some 3 months later after he stopped persuing her, she wanted to reconcile the marriage. Guess what, he had moved on with his life and didn't want to reconcile. He was tired of her fussing whenever he would play golf or do things with his friends. He stated he did not date during this time nor did his wife. Once he detached from her, she became back attracted to him but it was too late for him. They are D now, he has moved on and remarried and is happy. His W today does not do the nagging that his X did. He was the one wanting to save his marriage at first then realized it was not only him that screwed up and realized he was better off without her.
He told me to back off completely with W, he knows W also and says there is no way she is involved with someone else. She sounds alot like his W sounded from what he is telling me. I guess the reason I am posting this is because it does give more hope for my sitch.
When I was telling him about this site and what they recommend, he said he couldn't agree more, when he put these actions into place was when his W came around to him and wanted to reconcile. He said she was SHOCKED when he told her he was done and didn't want to get back into the marriage.
So for those of you out there who are going through this along with myself, take this advice, this is what Michelle preaches, I know it is very difficult. I have detached for the last 2 weeks and I feel much better about myself and my friendship with W. I am praying that my W will come around sooner or later but I know I can't be the one to push this to happen, she has to be the one to make that decision.
From what I have read on this site with those who have busted their D, I see a common time frame of 6-10 months for their spouse to come around. I am at month 5 right now but for the first 4.5 months I did everything wrong so it may take me longer, time will tell if she will ever come around.
Good luck to everyone reading this, there is hope.
Good to hear that Ping. You have a great chance to salvage your M. Keep doing what your doing.
Just a quick note- I did leave my first husband because frankly, he was an ass. It was not for another man, but for my sanity.... (course, I ended up with another whack job.... ) >giggles<
Ping,
You are doing a great job! Hope you and the boys have a great weekend!!
M: 39 H: 40 D: 12 S: 9 Married: 10 years Together: 11 years Dday- March 14th, 2008 Bomb-I don't love you-Easter 2008
Currently-living in same home, slowly working back towards a marriage.
Ping - to go dark - for real - it is effective - I don't know why. My first W (yes I am not good at this M thing) walked away for another guy (....I see the pattern too)... she said that she go married with me but, she actually didn't believe in marriage(?) I was shocked - I pleaded bagged, etc - she packed and left - luckily we had no kids - I got so mad I cut any kind of communication with her. I was over, done. After a couple of months she follows me in a cafe' and started crying that she wanted me back, I didn't have ANY contact with her for months and I was shocked to see her. For me was too late, and I could not forgive what she did. Some common friends told me that for a year or so she was saying to them she was going to do ANYTHING to get me back, but by then I got remarried (yes it WAS too fast).
Ping - to go dark - for real - it is effective - I don't know why. My first W (yes I am not good at this M thing) walked away for another guy (....I see the pattern too)... she said that she go married with me but, she actually didn't believe in marriage(?) I was shocked - I pleaded bagged, etc - she packed and left - luckily we had no kids - I got so mad I cut any kind of communication with her. I was over, done. After a couple of months she follows me in a cafe' and started crying that she wanted me back, I didn't have ANY contact with her for months and I was shocked to see her. For me was too late, and I could not forgive what she did. Some common friends told me that for a year or so she was saying to them she was going to do ANYTHING to get me back, but by then I got remarried (yes it WAS too fast).
Thanks for posting ROP, are you saying you see a connection that there could be OM also? I just don't see it or believe it, there is absolutely no evidence whatsoever pointing that way other than wanting out of the M.
You feel going dark works also, I see you now have kids, how do you do this with kids involved, what are you working on?
