Beth, sometimes we just have to give up trying to fix the person and their behaviour. My STBX knows her issues but, for whatever reason, refuses to do anything about them. So it is rather pointless to try and change her, it's all up to her (as it rightfully should be!). Big hands, I too suffer from do-too-much-itis! For years I got into the habit of automatically doing whatever was needed to "support" W in whatever she was taking on, and often that meant giving up my own needs...bad bad bad! I saw it as being a selfless, loving H who was willing to go the extra mile for someone he loved. Unfortunately, I think it gave W the idea that I wasn't important, my needs were secondary. I constantly gave in ways that reduced stress for her by not forcing her to deal with tons of day to day crap, I took care of it. Too busy with work to come home and cook? I'll do it! Can't pick up the kids? I'll do it. Too busy to grocery shop? No prob, I'm there for it. Finances too confusing and taxing? I'm your guy! I did it all but I think part of my selflessness was also making me feel secure. Hey, if I do everything then she NEEDS me. Well, it created alot of resentment in her, she realized she wasn't pulling her part of the load and had no energy to repay me (her culture is real big on repayment). Sure she got lots of work done but resented me in return. I remember one time she came home and carried on about how sick she was of hearing her co-workers go on about what a wonderful H she had, she said "nobody ever notices the things I do" Wow, you've got a H that other women would kill for and all you can do is complain. I also fell for the "I'm so fragile" act, she always seemed to be just one task away from a breakdown, so I worked my butt off to make sure that one task never arose. Yet, despite all this, I discovered that losing yourself in the romantic notion of love being sacrifice is a losing proposition. Sacrifice must go both ways to be benefical to a R. That's my take anyway! Hmm, I haven't seen Muslim lady the last few days, too bad cuz I had my prayer mattress ready to go. Damn.
