Help Me Act AS IF, Part 5

[newnamenewlife]

and on it goes...
My Ds and I just got back from 5 days in LA, where we visited an old friend of mine from junior high school. It was SO good to be away from H and from the agony of the past few months.

My friend's M seems so much worse than mine and yet they're not separating. It drives me nuts to have to accept that my H wants to throw away a M that is so much healthier (or was, until the bomb) than other peoples'.

Anyway, now we're back home and that feeling of hurt and dread has returned. H picked us up at the airport. Was thrilled to see the girls, but he gave me a perfunctory peck on the cheek (he stays as far from my lips as he can without it becoming an air kiss). Later, I got into bed next to him and I'll admit I thought he might reach over and cuddle with me--but no. We lay there side by side as if there was a sword between us.

It's hard to have no expectations. I keep thinking he is going to snap out of this and am continually surprised at his total lack of tenderness toward me. I cried (silently in the bathroom) for the first time since we left for LA. My friend out there, who has known both of us for years, is astonished the he of all people would do this. She told me she's always been jealous of our M and thought H was such a great, solid guy. It feels so unfair. I feel so gypped. Why does my H not care that he is walking away from a woman who he himself still describes as sexy, beautiful, smart and funny? Why is he so fixated on whether or not he is in love with me, esp when we have these lovely Ds who need an intact family (IMO)??

I need to keep myself from falling back into the pit I was in before I left.

[tmi]

hey, lmg ~ I'm glad you started a new thread. I dropped in on you a while back (haven't had time/energy/whatever to post for quite a while) and was sad to see that things hadn't moved. On the other hand, your H hasn't moved either, and that's good, isn't it?

During the time I wasn't posting here, I was doing a fair bit of crying silently in the bathroom, after some time of not. I feel stronger being back here, but I know what you mean about expectations. Since my H made the decision to stay, I was expecting that there would be some effort - and there probably is a great deal, on his part, that I'm having trouble seeing because I'm working so hard myself. Reminder to myself - acknowledge that he is trying. I think I may have done that during a recent stressful conversation, but I'm not sure - I don't remember things so well in those situations.

Can you think of some other options? What would happen if you said 'goodnight' cheerily and gave him a quick kiss? What would happen if you changed your evening routine - if you don't read in bed, read in bed, if you do, read somewhere else - that kind of thing? Reconsider separate sleeping arrangements? Try some brainstorming with yourself to see what you can come up with, so that you feel more comfortable.

And now I have to get some work done - one of the reasons I haven't been here is that once I start, I can't stop and there are certainly other things I could be doing!

[newnamenewlife]

Hi Ingrid! I've been wondering where you've been. Glad to hear your H didn't move out after all. I'll have to see if you have a new thread to catch up on your situation.

The more I detach, the more it scares me because the S starts to seem inevitable. As day after day goes by with no attention from H, the more I start to lose hope. Tomorrow night the kids are staying at grandma's and it didn't even occur to me that H&I could go out since he has boycotted all one-on-one time. I made plans with my friends, as has been usual for the past few months, but it's starting to make me sad that that's my only option for Friday nights. I feel truly single lately and I hate it.

[newnamenewlife]

me again. I really am so confused because H&I and the girls routinely have a blast together. We were totally silly at dinner, me & H cracking each other up, the girls giggling. We have fun like that a lot. I feel like the chemistry between H&I is still so obviously crackling, yet once the girls are asleep he totally ignores me, doesn't want to do anything with me, and when we ever talk about our R situation (which isn't very often), he's always in the same ILYBINILWY place and is determined to S as soon as he can figure out the financial piece of it.

I feel like a naive teenager at times--completely convinced that this guy likes me a LOT, but then crushed to learn it's just a fantasy on my part. How can someone give such mixed messages? Honestly, if H&I didn't know each other and you saw us at times lately, you would think to fix us up. But whenever we talk about it, H discounts everything but the fact that he is not "in love" with me anymore.

I know--I go around and around and around on this board and nothing really changes. We have fun, then he pulls back, then we have fun again, and on and on. I am certainly not doing anything to hasten his moving out--esp since we are in no financial position--but I am also tired of living with him in this psycho state.

[tmi]

I'm going to do a 'do as I say, not as I do', okay?

A big part, perhaps the biggest part, of detaching, is maintaining your own mood where YOU want it to be - peaceful, relaxed, pleasant, whatever - regardless of how your H behaves.

One day at a time - try not to look into the future (more than you have to to consider finances, etc.). Today he is still there and you are having good times together occasionally. And you have friends to go out with, which is a great thing.

Try to think of your H as a roommate. Try to give him exactly as much headspace as you would someone you know casually.

Force yourself to focus on work - if you get into something interesting, it will give your mind a rest for a while.

We're all tired of this - it's difficult and painful and feels like it will never end. Like everything else, this too shall pass and in the meantime, it's spring and the world is still a wonderful place to be.

[newnamenewlife]

Thanks, Ingrid. I am getting better at this stuff. I cry a lot less and my expectations are lowered, though not erased. I tend to vent here when I'm at my lower points, as I guess many of us do.

Yes, the world is a wonderful place. This morning my Ds and I rode our bikes around the park (they are on spring break) and the weather was just gorgeous. Very uplifting. Tonight they are sleeping over at my mom's and I am going out with 2 friends. I didn't even think of asking H to go out with me, but still I was almost in tears after he called from work to ask when I was dropping off the girls. He was only interested in where the car would be when and didn't suggest we do anything together. I still think he's going to come around and want to go out with me --why is that?

[tmi]

Because they look like someone we used to know...

[newnamenewlife]

ugh. Just when I started to feel better, my H sent me an email saying he hoped we could talk tonight about next steps (in our S), how I'm picturing things, etc. We had talked a while ago about renovating our third floor back into a rentable apt before he started paying rent somewhere else.

Every time he mentions talking about this, I freeze up or flip out. I really don't want to participate in helping him think things through because I am not onboard at all and I am still in disbelief that he really wants to go through with it. It's like if the Pope started trying to convince the world he's an atheist. I can't really believe it.

So, do I participate in these talks or just listen and say nothing? Just telling the girls we're re-instating the 3rd floor apt is hard to imagine--since we just finished renovating so we could use the 3rd floor and give them their own rooms. That alone is going to be a blow, seriously. But I want H to be here to make the renovation happen before he leaves and we need that income guaranteed before he can add to our monthly expenses--which are already overwhelming.

I am still so furious that he initially said he was open to any kind of MC, that he was fully committed to working on our R with me--but then in actuality all he could say was he couldn't do any of that because he can't change his feelings. I feel like washing my hands of his plans to move in the same way. I can't change my feelings either. What he is doing is so hurtful to me and to the kids that I simply can't participate.

So, do I listen, respond, what? I know I should appreciate that he wants to know my vision of our S, but that alone makes my blood boil. He's been such an a-hole, treated me so terribly and yet he also wants to be thoughtful. GAG. I know he cares about our kids a lot, as do I--and for me that means stalling on his plans to S (which they know nothing about).

[tmi]

The advice I got from the DB counsellor I spoke to late last year suggested that I direct to my H those kinds of questions - how do you see this going, renovation, telling the kids, etc. Be ready to end the conversation and leave if you feel yourself getting upset - "thanks for giving me a lot to think about, we'll talk again later" - out the door. Don't argue, if you can bring yourself to do it, be supportive of his 'need' to move out. Try to treat him as you would a child that's planning to run away - just kind of nod along with the plan.

And then do NOTHING. You're right, this is not your idea and you don't have to participate. You might be able to find a way to say this calmly, but it may not be received calmly, so I'm not sure it's wise to be quite that upfront about it - maybe just kind of vague - oh, really, yes, well, I've been so busy, maybe I'll get to it tomorrow/next week, etc.

You can tell the girls that you've made the decision to do the reno because you need the money. Maybe the three of you can brainstorm some ways to increase their privacy - even something as simple as a curtain down the middle of the room could help. Acknowledge their disappointment and the fact that sometimes things happen that we don't like. Who knows what will happen over the next few months and whether the renos will ever actually start or finish?

Hope your day gets better.

[newnamenewlife]

My hatred/pain/agony over how my H is treating me just continues. Tonight I went out with friends; ds were at grandma's. I came home around 9:45 pm and H was finishing watching a movie. I stood there and of course he said nothing, then I decided to go out on a limb. I asked if he wanted to watch Juno, which we'd just gotten from Netflix. He said yes, we should check it out before we allow D11 to see it. I stood there a bit more. Nothing. I went upstairs to change into my pajamas and then started to cry on my bed. I don't think H heard. Shortly after, I heard him starting to watch Juno without me downstairs. I'm sure I could have come back down and watched with him, but he was being so passive and wouldn't say yeah, let's watch it, or do anything to invite me to join him so I felt like an idiot for having mentioned it. He just barreled ahead and watched it alone after I had suggested WE watch it.

I don't know why I am surprised, but I continue to be dumbstruck my my Hs coldness and passivity. This is a basically good, sweet, thoughtful guy so it is shocking to me that it's so easy for him to ignore me, especially when I take the risk (and a risk it is these days) and suggest we watch something together. He didn't look at me the entire time I was down there, didn't take his eyes off the TV. What is wrong with this man?

How can he be so cold, removed and unremorseful about how he is treating me? I try to ignore and GAL and accept it, but we have these moments that hit me so hard and hurt so terribly. Is this just some kind of Mars/Venus misunderstanding? He give me such clear stay-away vibes most of the time that it felt huge for me to suggest watching the movie together. When he didn't respond to that, I felt I couldn't return and simply start watching it with him.