I feel like 5 years later - I should not have to be posting this type of stuff... But clearly my gut is a brain stem gut - so here I go again on this stuff.... I really would like to put this behind me.
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Did your X also pout if he didn't get his way? My fault is trying to make others happy and comfortable. And that's not a bad thing as long as you meet in the middle.
At first he would wheedle. When I became immune to that one - he added whining. Immune to that - pouting. Immune to that - personally attacks. Immune to that - he allegedly became suicidal. Immune to that - he escalated to punching holes in doors and throwing things. Immune to that - he threatened a D every time he didn't get his way. Immune to that - he struck me once. He escalated immediately after striking me into the bizzare where HE called the police claiming I struck him (I was arrested for domestic battery and spend the night in a holding cell). HE went to a battered women's shelter.
Anyway that is when I hit rock bottom - and when I got back up again - there was NO manipulating me anymore. I was still M (b/c I am an idiot) but I emotionally left the M. He left for the last time shortly after that.
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Make a new list (this is a suggestion, please don't think I'm demanding a new list.). Not based on things you don't want because of the X. Instead, try modifying your list to forget the X and dig deep into your soul. Base this list on what your soul needs from another. This list should be what you want. Your needs.
You're right. My list is an anti-X list.
I have this sometimes photographic memory. For example, I can recall every detail in a business meeting w/o taking any notes - kind of like replaying a tape in my head. And sometimes I forget something minutes after it happens. For some reason my memory has recorded every unpleasant incident from my M in unbelievable detail. The tape is playing in my head since I made that list. I find myself reliving every argument - every instance when I should have stopped it. I find myself getting angry all over again. I keep thinking of every opportunity I had to take my life back - but didn't.
If someone mentions the word P - the reflexive answer is I am not going to go through that again.
I can't make another list b/c I feel like I don't know what to include in that list...
Maybe I need to just relax and let it all go... And if someone intrigues me - see who he is and one step, one interaction at a time - make a decision on whether to move forward or pull back...
I need any potential P to show me how he can be someone that I can trust one step, one word, one sentence, one act at at time...
You are way too smart - you completely picked up that my list was an X-centered list...
