For example, The X was a very picky eater. So I adaptd my cooking - my family was surprised at how much I adapted... Not that big a deal - I mean if you simply can't eat certain foods b/c they make you gag - well that's that....
I think our X's may have been related.
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This is just one example - there are so many more examples of subtle gradually escalating very effective control techniques he used on me.
Control that both you and I allowed. Did your X also pout if he didn't get his way? My fault is trying to make others happy and comfortable. And that's not a bad thing as long as you meet in the middle.
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This really is very very annoying!!!! Why on earth will my gut not get what the head knows is right!! This is one of those times that the gut is wrong!
I think this is because your gut isn't buying it. You still have so much memory left of the X that you're gut is telling you that you need to move on from it. Your head's on board because it's logical. Recognize that you did what you felt you needed to do at the time to make the M work. Know that X is an individual and you will not run into anyone exactly like him again. Similar traits may appear in others, but not that same package.
Make a new list (this is a suggestion, please don't think I'm demanding a new list.). Not based on things you don't want because of the X. Instead, try modifying your list to forget the X and dig deep into your soul. Base this list on what your soul needs from another. This list should be what you want. Your needs.
We both learned so much from our M's. And I acknowledge those lessons and overall am thankful for the experience. If I had to do it all again to get where I am today, I would.
Ha No Hill, I don't think I would suggest that AG II date a climber! I do know a few climbers that I would feel comfortable fixing up a friend with, but percentage-wise there are a lot of perpetual adolescents and dysfunctional adrenaline junkies. It's sort of like going to Alaska to meet men, the odds are good...but the goods are odd.
Well your first list was so thorough it was almost daunting. And then I read this from A_O and think how very true it is:
Originally Posted By: alpha_omega
Make a new list (this is a suggestion, please don't think I'm demanding a new list.). Not based on things you don't want because of the X. Instead, try modifying your list to forget the X and dig deep into your soul. Base this list on what your soul needs from another. This list should be what you want. Your needs.
I love this positive, what do I want, need and deserve approach to the list. Actually, I think one of the affirmations that was recommmended to me went something like: I am (already) loved by a man who... (fill in the blank with the positives that you want).
I ramble, sorry, but really liked a_o's suggestion for turning it around into the positive orientation.
I feel like 5 years later - I should not have to be posting this type of stuff... But clearly my gut is a brain stem gut - so here I go again on this stuff.... I really would like to put this behind me.
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Did your X also pout if he didn't get his way? My fault is trying to make others happy and comfortable. And that's not a bad thing as long as you meet in the middle.
At first he would wheedle. When I became immune to that one - he added whining. Immune to that - pouting. Immune to that - personally attacks. Immune to that - he allegedly became suicidal. Immune to that - he escalated to punching holes in doors and throwing things. Immune to that - he threatened a D every time he didn't get his way. Immune to that - he struck me once. He escalated immediately after striking me into the bizzare where HE called the police claiming I struck him (I was arrested for domestic battery and spend the night in a holding cell). HE went to a battered women's shelter.
Anyway that is when I hit rock bottom - and when I got back up again - there was NO manipulating me anymore. I was still M (b/c I am an idiot) but I emotionally left the M. He left for the last time shortly after that.
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Make a new list (this is a suggestion, please don't think I'm demanding a new list.). Not based on things you don't want because of the X. Instead, try modifying your list to forget the X and dig deep into your soul. Base this list on what your soul needs from another. This list should be what you want. Your needs.
You're right. My list is an anti-X list.
I have this sometimes photographic memory. For example, I can recall every detail in a business meeting w/o taking any notes - kind of like replaying a tape in my head. And sometimes I forget something minutes after it happens. For some reason my memory has recorded every unpleasant incident from my M in unbelievable detail. The tape is playing in my head since I made that list. I find myself reliving every argument - every instance when I should have stopped it. I find myself getting angry all over again. I keep thinking of every opportunity I had to take my life back - but didn't.
If someone mentions the word P - the reflexive answer is I am not going to go through that again.
I can't make another list b/c I feel like I don't know what to include in that list...
Maybe I need to just relax and let it all go... And if someone intrigues me - see who he is and one step, one interaction at a time - make a decision on whether to move forward or pull back...
I need any potential P to show me how he can be someone that I can trust one step, one word, one sentence, one act at at time...
You are way too smart - you completely picked up that my list was an X-centered list...
And you are very astute for seeing that my list was an X-avoidance list...
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I love this positive, what do I want, need and deserve approach to the list. Actually, I think one of the affirmations that was recommmended to me went something like: I am (already) loved by a man who... (fill in the blank with the positives that you want).
Unfortunately - I feel so immersed and unable to escape from my life 5 years ago - I have lost perspective. I am so focused on not ending up with another version of The X - I can't see past that... Needless to say I am extremely annoyed that this is still haunting me 5 years later...
I am going to have to call my C again.... I really am so done beating this dead horse - but clearly my gut is being very uncooperative! I need to fire my gut!
Using picking eating as a mechanism to control is - well I still find it incomprehensible that someone could use it as a mechanism to control AND that I fell for it.
And in reality I am a bigger fool than that b/c as I mentioned - it is just one example... I just don't feel like filling up thread after thread with all the different instances...
The list is not going to work for when it comes to exploring non-platonic R's... I am too myopic in my perspective... I lack the ability to see beyond what was...
Instead - I need to take the approach that I take when I interview or prepare for a meeting with opposing side at work.
I do my research. I explore and make sure I have covered every direction the conversation may go in. I suppose it is a defensive type of preparation.
And then I stop. I allow myself to relax completely. I blank my mind. I go in w/o any expectation of which way things will go - prepared for the worst - yet having the ability to appreciate the best. I am completety open minded and neutral when I walk in.
That is what I think I need to do now. I have engaged in a defensive type of preparation. I am confident that I can recognize X-like people. I am ready.
Now I need to relax. I need to blank my mind - knowing and trusting that lessons learned will guide me where I need to go. And if someone intrigues me - open my mind to seeing him for who he is w/o expectation. Take one step at a time - knowing that at any time if I feel uncomfortable - I can step back. I lack the ability to predict what I need. However, I do not lack the ability to recognize what works if I see it.
For now - I am going to let this list thing go... It is not taking me where I need to go...
Thank you everyone for your posts. The X just left my head.
No worries this sometimes can be a ship of fools and I am the Chief of the boat.
Just thinking generally men who do that take some planning and risk are not picky eaters. Possibly a retired helo military helo pilot. Anyone who works an apparatas that flys by beating air into submission probably has bigger fish to fry than shrimp.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
