There and Back, up and walking #1

[SallyM]

hey all,

back from my trip to VA. was a lot of fun...well, except for the traffic last saturday. the trip down was a nightmare, but overall a good trip and the drive home was a breeze. my kids were phenomenal...just love them and had so much fun on our little adventure. they are just awesome, sweet, wonderful little people. we had lots of fun visiting my sisters, their h's, and my nieces/nephew. just nice to get away.

on monday h didn't call to talk to the kids like he always does. my son called him because he missed him and h didn't answer, no idea why...maybe didn't have his phone, who knows. at 9:30pm h called just really sad, crying, saying he was sorry about everything. I felt for him, I did, but now I know it doesn't mean anything other than that he is sorry. that he is having a bad moment. I get that now. I didn't delve into why he was sad, just left it to him to process. but I did say a prayer that he would find some peace, because it does still hurt to hear him hurt so much. maybe that's insane of me, but I hate anyone to hurt. well, I wouldn't mind a vicious stomach bug for ow, lol, but you know what I mean.

when I got home last night, he came by to see the kids for a bit. he told me he came by the house on monday to bring the paper in (I forgot to put a hold on it and he did it but missed a day). that was weird, because its way the hell out of his way for just a paper. a little while later he came in and said he didn't want to lie to me (? um, really????) and that he had come here monday and stayed over that night.

I'm very conflicted about that. I'm happy that he told me, but at the same time it feels really weird for him to be here now. he left us...he left this house. its a life he has said over and over again that he doesn't want. I don't know what his motivation was for coming. did he have a fight with ow? did he just need some time to say goodbye to his former life one last time before the divorce? I don't know. likely I never will. I didn't ask, its really none of my business (his motivation, not the fact that he stayed here). the only thing I asked was if ow was with him. he looked shocked at such an idea, horrified in fact, but said he can understand that I think very little of him but he would never do that. hope that is true. the idea of her in my home makes me ill.

I need to talk to him about boundaries. I suppose soon enough this will be a non-issue anyway because I'll likely be in a different home and he won't have keys.

anyway, not much else to tell. S6 starts t-ball tomorrow. he had his first practice today in fact. soooo cute. can hardly stand how cute he is in his uniform. h is the coach. makes it hard in a way, because it still hurts sometimes watching him interact with the kids. but overall am doing okay. and am sooo glad he is doing this for/with S6.

I have 2 huge fears...one that he will want more time with the kids (therefore I have less). the second is that he will drop out of their lives, that he will lose interest in maintaining the relationship with them.

okay, enough h talk!

fun stuff. my b-day is next wedn. I'm one of those people who is really, really into her birthday. always have been, always will be. I'll be 90 years old in a home somewhere someday insisting that someone put a candle in my jello. lol. but I'm really okay with a quiet one this year. its still important to me, and I'm okay that h isn't in my life to celebrate it with.

I do wish I was going to memphis next weekend, however. I really wanted to. but the scot in me is freaking out about the economy and about how much the divorce will cost and I'm just too scared to spend the money at this point. I need the time away, I need the fun, but I also need the security of not spending right now. when I feel more on my feet, hopefully that will change. and hoping to see some folks locally soon!

hope everyone is well! will be checking in tomorrow.