Beauty is still holding on ths site and kids..

[LL44]

Hey beauty. I think its a good thing that while your H is going through his mess that he is attempting to keep you close as well. Many push away so far. I would keep up the closeness as long as you are comfortable with it.

[BEAUTYandWAH]

lwb~
How are you? I am glad you stopped by~ Thank u so much~ Comfortable with him sometimes.. also I feel distance, which is not much sadness nor lonelyness. More like new beginning of getting to know each other. Possibly boundries are working for me.
He is still trying to convince me that he is not with anyone. I don't tell him I believe it or I don't. If he keep playing around and trying to tell me nothing is going on, probably I will be tired of listening to him. (I hope...) I am trying not to be influenced by his sweet words.. I should only see his action/behaviours that clearly tell me he is working on R with me.

Tonight, I invited him to my work event, which means lots to me. I told him about this for a long time and he didn't come. Excuse was 'it's raining'. I am upset but it is his action. He chose not to come whatever the reason was. Very dissapointed.

Later the night, I called him to say good night to kids. He was sorry. He asked if he can call me back after his homework was done. And one hour later, he called and we talked about tomorrow's schedule. We found out we both will have free time around lunch. He asked me to go lunch together. As of now, we will go lunch tomorrow. I am curious how things will go. Hope good. I have GAL plans this weekend. My friend invited to a party. I will stop by for a little even though it will be lots of younger people...

Trying to be mentally stable.. it's hard!
Beauty

[BEAUTYandWAH]

Journaling..
H and I went to lunch together. We talked small things nothing about R. He is trying very hard, is patiant..and so on. He cooked dinner again, cleaned after dinner, and put kids in bath etc. He is very 'good family man'. At one point, I wanted this so much. I wanted him to be a good father and spend time as family. Now I feel, "this's not enough!" I want affection and want make me feel the only one. Is it too much to ask at this point..? Probably is. I cannot screw up right now. I will not have energy to start over the small steps.
I will read DBing again tonight. I hope I can make some goals that will keep progress our relationship.
Beauty

[JoieDeVivre]

Beauty,
Sometimes it seems like you're going along at 1 mph, doesn't it? But it seems like you are getting somewhere but it's so hard not to lose patience. He certainly wouldn't have lunch with you, cook dinner, clean-up and do the bath with the kids if he didn't want to. I think it's a great idea to re-read DB.

Have a good weekend! It was close to 80° here today! I so ready for the warm weather.

Joie

[BEAUTYandWAH]

Hi Joie~
1mph! Exactly.. I just want to run!! My emotional roller coaster is crazy! I am trying to stay calm but am about to lose the patiance. Things are going crazy last few days... So, my H called me Sunday and asked me to check his e-mail because he really needed the information right then. So I did. While I was looking for the infor, I found e-mail from OW. So, I read it.

It was a long e-mail but here is the summary."I love you,I want to move back to town so I can be with you. You are my soul mate, you are the perfect guy I dreamed. We will be great together. I want to be with you. You help me go through when my dad is very ill. I think about 10 yeas from now, we drink beer in the back yard, cooking lunch... I never thought about becoming step mom but I think about it alot. I bought a gift for ***(D7)"

She was desparate to hold on to him. She didn't ask him about his feeling, his sitation, any of that. She just said about her feeling how much they are meant to be together.


What do I think about it?? I was going crazy by the computer and was thinking about what do I tell H?? I am sooo mad! but I realized this is her illusion not real. I will not let my children have anything from her. If she ever become step-mom, I will move to anywhere far away from her. So, I just closed his e-mail and didn't say anything to H. I just gave him the information he was looking for.

We talked about 'us' later the day. I don't know how it came up. It didn't go anywhere. He gave me "I love you but I don't know if I want to be with you" statement. He also told me that he think about future with me and even dream about it.

I told him "I want to forgive you completely but as long as OW1 is in your life, my pain will continue. She is the ONLY cause of unhappiness of my life. Everthing else is great. You and me are doing well."

He said he tried to break up with her but it didn't go well. I am tryng to be calm..but still frustrated!
Beauty

[BEAUTYandWAH]

I am wondering if Joie can give me 3-4 stars today's baby step. H and I talked in length and we decided to get a puppy. I assure him about commitment to the dog and care for him. He grew up with dogs and I think I can trust him about this. He says this is 'our' dog so I think he has no plan to get rid of me at this moment. So I will take this as a good thing.

I thought about pros and cons. I think having new family will change alot in the family dynamic and hope this is really positive. One thing I see the positive side is that we spend time and talk more. Another thing is to trust each other for partnership (not R or M. just like close friends)

He asked me many times if I am happy. I am very happy. but I am really scared if this will increase more stress around the family.

Kids are happy too. I am glad to see they are smiling lots. H is really into him too.

BTW puppy is 8 weeks old, cream color multipoo and Cocker mix. Soooo cute!
Beauty

[BEAUTYandWAH]

Journaling...
H and I talk alot through out a day because of the new puppy. He is really attached to the puppy and I am glad to see he is happy and focused. He got a second job which starts mid May. I am so happy he is doing good.

This is my thought... The other day, I told him I have nothing to hold on to him/us while he and OW/whoever have good reason to hold on to each other.. It is really true. He nodded and was thinking.. He seemed I was not fullfilled by him. When we got puppy, he asked me "are you happy?". He had big smile when I said yes. I am wondering if puppy is one way to fullfill my life. I wonder what OW is thinking about this, if she finds out we are taking care of new puppy together.
Beauty

[JoieDeVivre]

Beauty,
Three or four stars? How about more than that!

***************!

I think the puppy is very optimistic. And, he asked you if you were happy, that's even better. And he's doing well, is happier and that's better yet! If he feels good about himself, that helps you and your relationship.

The puppy will certainly bring him around more often. Sounds really cute! Is it a male or female? What did you name it?

Joie

[BEAUTYandWAH]

Yey~ I got lots of stars~
H is busy doing 'homework/assignment'. I don't know if it is true but that's what he says. I hope it is true but I will never know. Saturday all day, I didn't hear much from him. He went to work, went to study and went out with his friends. I went out with my friends for a little and went home early. I participated fundraising running ( I walked...but I did it!) this morning and had breakfast with my in-laws without H. We had great time. I also had great time playing with puppy! He is about 3LB but his name is Dragon I am so glad we got him. I am better person and am engaging lots of activities with kids and puppy. I am cleaning my floor like crazy because of him. I am feeling great but I miss H more and more. Sometime I don't know beause I love him or I am in love with him. or I am just lonely... I feel like we have new baby together but we are not together. I think it is only a start and hope things will go well near future. I just wish and keep working on DBing, GAL, 180 etc etc. BUT sometimes something make me soo down and want to forget about everything! I am only a human..

[JoieDeVivre]

Beauty,
Glad you had a decent weekend. I'm sure the puppy is keeping you busy. Don't let the clouds get you down too long, after all, the sun is right behind them.

Joie