words of encouragement

[81388*]

I have not been around here in awhile, but I wanted to let everyone know that it is possible to pull your marriage back from the brink. We are a long way from healed but we are both pulling in the same direction.

I got the bomb in Nov. of '06, brief time back together, although she didn't move home, last summer. Full steam ahead divorce up through Jan. '08. We had a pre-trial hearing and had met prior to just talk. It was very emotional and we ended up talking about how great it would be to get back together. She had even brought our wedding rings with her.

The paperwork has been pulled, she has moved home, the kids are doing well (The older girls were standoffish at first but have come around. S7 was happy from the get-go to have Mom home.),we have not reentered MC but are talking about it and keeping the lines of communication open.

I asked her recently why she decided to come home? She told me that I had held on for so long and seemed so sure that it could work, that she began to think she was making a mistake. Now that is obviously not the glowing "I love you" answer I had dreamed of hearing, but it did help me to understand that the hard part is just begining.

I wanted you all to know that it can work!

Keep your eye on the prize and your chin up.

[karen43]

I have not been around here in awhile, but I wanted to let everyone know that it is possible to pull your marriage back from the brink. We are a long way from healed but we are both pulling in the same direction.

I asked her recently why she decided to come home? She told me that I had held on for so long and seemed so sure that it could work, that she began to think she was making a mistake. Now that is obviously not the glowing "I love you" answer I had dreamed of hearing, but it did help me to understand that the hard part is just begining.

I wanted you all to know that it can work!

Thanks so much for posting this! Just the last day or 2 I have been having a hard time getting motivated to try to hang in there with the marriage. Your story is so inspirational and something I needed to hear! Thanks again! Karen

[diana in CA]

Thanks for posting something positive on the boards. It also helps me fell motivated to keep on trying.

It would be great if you could share how you managed to pull it all together.

[runningoutoftime]

Good for you and congratulations!!!

By the way, I didn't get the glowing "I love you" answer either when I asked my husband the same question. His answer for stopping the divorce and returning to the marriage was, "It's familiar."

Yes, I would have wanted something more romantic too, but in retrospect it wasn't such a bad reason. Familarity, being there, being dependable, believing in it.... that has value....

[JoieDeVivre]

81388,
Thanks so much for sharing. Many people just sort of fade away and no one knows what happened to them. It's so encouraging to hear success stories. And there are many here!

Many people seem to lose hope if D is filed but Michele is right, many marriages are saved at the 11th hour.

Best of luck to you in piecing things back together.

Joie

[81388*]

Karen;
I understand all to well the need for inspiration. This has obviously been the longest year of my life, and there were many times I just wanted to give up and move on with my life, but everytime I got close I just kept thinking that that was not who I wanted to be. It hurt, it was frustrating, it was infuriating, but at the end of the day, it was worth it.

Diana;
Glad to help motivate, it really is the hardest part, keeping the motivation and the focus and not allowing your emotions to rule. I wish I had a specific set of things I did to "pull it all together", but the reality is it just takes a long time. I have read elsewhere that the longer you have been married prior to this ordeal the longer it takes to resolve it. I don't know if that is true or not, but it makes sense that if the problems have been ignored for a longer time then the repair will take longer. For the most part, it was about not loosing site of the fact that I loved my wife. No matter how angry, hurt, or disappointed I became. I stood so that I would never have to wake up in the middle of the night wondering if I could have done more for my kids, more for my wife. I would be happy to try and answer specific questions, but don't really know what specifics to provide.

ROOT;
Thanks for the post, I remember reading a lot of your stuff while I was on the boards, I am glad to hear you are working on success. Congratulations!!! I agree, familiar is good. I think the desire for familiar is what drains the fuel from the affair. I said all the way along that my biggest advantage in this fight for my marriage was 27 years of shared life experiences. At the begining, that was also a negative.:)

Joie;
Love you tag line! 11th hour indeed. The funny thing is I was ready for it to be over. I had prepared for a negative outcome, and was ready to move on with my life either way, anything for the pain and frustration to start to fade. When we had our mediation session for the parenting plan, we sat right next to each other on one side of the table. The mediator came in and was obviously shocked. She commented that she wasn't used to couples sitting next to each other. After that session, we both cried like babies as it felt like we were trying to "cut the baby in half", but neither wanted to loose them all together. You are right, divorce filing is often just the begining, not the end.

Thanks again for posting, glad to pay back all the support and motivation I received from many,many folks who were all hurting just as badly as I was and made time for someone else.

Stay strong, stay the course!