The Future P.... Everytime I open this part of my brain - I start thinking about my M and feel an overwhelming urge to bolt from this goal.
I posted about CB - and that experience certainly did not deter me from pursuing professional goals. Okay I did the 3 year escape to law school in Vermont - but I came back.
The X... My brain knows that The X was in a category by himself. My brain knows that there are a lot of men out there that are Non-The X men. But in my gut - I can't get past those 5 miserable years of M. I can get past how effectively he controlled me.
Since I've finished the list, memories of how The X successfully controlled every part of my life emerge.
For example, The X was a very picky eater. So I adaptd my cooking - my family was surprised at how much I adapted... Not that big a deal - I mean if you simply can't eat certain foods b/c they make you gag - well that's that....
Then the next step... He was also paranoid about what people thought of him being a picky eater - so we started declining dinner invitations from my friends b/c he would get depressed if they cooked something he didn't like - and he wasn't able to eat it and other people noticed that he was not eating.
And all this was about control b/c whenever he moved out and said he wanted a D - I would start cooking all the things he didn't eat that I missed. He would return and "suddenly" decide that the food that I had been eating, for example chicken, was now his "favorite" food! It would swing from one extreme to another!
And of course he routinely changed his mind about what he ate. Sometimes he at shrimp - other times not. And I would find out - AFTER I finished cooking.
And at that time, fast food and frozen food was not that common in Germany. The X used his being German as a foundation for saying that he - didn't eat fast food. He didn't eat frozen food. He didn't eat leftovers. So Ms. Idiot here (that would be me) worked 60-70 hour weeks, came home and cooked entire balanced meals from scratch every single day!!! And his highness did the dishes.
This is just one example - there are so many more examples of subtle gradually escalating very effective control techniques he used on me.
And as I think of these memories, I find myself thinking is it fair that I will react to the next P as if they were The X - when they really may be nothing like The X.
And of course - I also start to feel increasingly claustrophobic at the thought of living my life the way I lived it when I was M.
I did start setting appropriate boundaries towards the end of my M - that is why The X left. And I find myself thinking - I know how to set the boundaries for X-like behavior - BUT it was exhausting! And how I simply cannot do this again... I do not have the energy to do what I need to do to "survive" in a M with a X-like person....
I know the key is not ending up with an X-like person. And I have done the work to ensure I will not end up with a person like that. BUT those are the emotional reactions I have at the thought of an R with a P. My head gets it - but my gut cannot comprehend that an R with a P can be different than what it was with The X...
And so I have made the list. I have done the work to where I can see and identify X-like people a mile away. I have practiced and proven to myself I can identify X-like people. But when it comes down to it - deep down inside I don't believe that all men are not like The X!!!! This really is very very annoying!!!! Why on earth will my gut not get what the head knows is right!! This is one of those times that the gut is wrong!
