What a terrific mom. As hard as it is for you right now, remember that at some level S15 must be thinking how lucky he is to have two parents willing to go the banquet. I know they don't show this, but they notice. Hang in there.
DR offered me 'The proven 7 step programme for saving your marriage'. It gave me hope that I could put my family back together. It hasn't done that. In fact quite the opposite. Not only am I without my H but I'm also now w/o my S15. He told me today he doesn't want to come home. Being here hasn't saved anything. I'm a mental mess. I wish the rest of you good luck in which ever path you choose in life.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Hi ACJ, I haven't followed your thread but I noticed your goodbye posts. I am sorry things didn't work out for you. I wish you all the best in the next part of your journey. Take care! -PH
I am sad you are leaving the bb, ACJ! I understand the frustration of things not working out the way you want. My thoughts are with you.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
ACJ, (((Hugs)))) I noticed your post was written very late or very early,so I guess you had a real bad day. Maybe take time out for now. I see a hurt and wounded animal. Maybe you didn't save you marriage-for now. Your son is temporarily living with his Dad-for now. DB is for you as much as anything. Making you a better person,giving you coping skills for life. I don't think DR made your situation any worse than it was and maybe it has given you skills for future relationships. For now you need rest from your battles. Just be still and take it hour by hour day by day. Maybe see a Dr. Take care.
Alison - no book, bulletin board or support group can 'give' you your family back. You've been here long enough now to know that.
Likewise, the issues that lead to your husband leaving and your son's flash of determination (and it is a flash - he's 15, the world changes for him in seconds not days - he is as likely to change his mind when the OW step-mother makes him eat Eastern European goulash that's not to his liking!!! - he'll be back with you - then when you do something he doesn't like he'll be back with them - he knows he can play you guys - and it's working!!!) took years to become problems big enough for him to leave and it's taken years for your son to understand how to manipulate you. Those issues are going to take years to resolve Ally.
The only person who can put this back together is you. what would your strategy have been if it wasn't for Divorce Busting? Do you think that would have been a better strategy.
You've made the best of a bad lot. You continue to - and as you do you are learning and becoming stronger and more resiliant.
I love the Alison who takes her kids skiing and goes to singles parties and studies and works and LIVES HER LIFE. I'm less fond of the one who is attached, and is finding it so hard to detach, to her selfish, immature, self serving husband.
Ally - the bottom line here for you girlfriend is even if you H dumped OW tomorrow and said he wanted to come home to you and the kids - would you want him? After all you have gone through? Do you want to be with a selfish, cold fish who refuses to even give an inch to your not overly demanding requests for consultation and communication abaout the children.
The man is chicken sh!t. Even if he doesn't agree with your approach to the kids (which I think is part of the problem sometiems) he could at least have the guts to talk about his views and options with you. Yet he rarely does that. He just passively aggressively ignores you. You deserve more than that. You deserve a grown up.
Alison - your son is a kid. He might have said today that he doesn't want to go home - but you know as well as I do that kids change their minds as often as you and I change our shoes. He doesn't even have a bedroom there - how long do you think that's going to last?
And finally - even if he doesn't come home at this stage - perhaps there's a lesson you can learn from that - after all our children are only on loan to us - learning to love them from a distance and lovingly support them on their terms rather than on our own is a very valuable lesson for all of us.
Letting him know that you love and cherish him, no matter what he decides, may be just what he's looking for from you. We put a lot of conditions on our relationships - often unknowingly. You will be able to prove to him during this difficult time - that you love him in spite of his decisions. What a wonderful gift for a mother to be able to give her child.
Lots of love and all my thoughts.
Walkingback
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Alison, just noticed that you made an awful lot of goodbye posts, I hope that was just politeness and I am not reading more into it than was meant. Good post from Walkingback. Please consider seeing a Dr and getting some help or counselling.I really think it would help You. Thinking of you.
You seem to be looking at S staying with H as a negative move rather than the positive move that it is.
For a long time now S has been seeking attention from his father, some of his behaviour has been negative, drinking, staying out late, bunking off school, sneaking out of house, general defient behaviour, seeking behaviour. Throughout all this you have wanted H to help.
Now he has, he has taken S into his own home, he has given you a well deserved break, time to get your studies done, see your friends, not to have to worry where he is every moment.
your S should have less stress, his dad often let him down, he often changed arrangments, your S know where you are, he knows how much you love him, he knows you are anchored and going nowhere, that you will always be there for him. S didn't have this with his dad. your S needs this opportnity to rebuild a relationship with his dad, he is not rejecting you, he is simply spending time with his dad.
You need to shake off this negative feeling you have developed, you should seek out some counselling, as our life changes through this journey our needs change, you could do with assistance coming to terms with the events that are occuring in your life now, you D is going ahead, it is not in your control, there is a schedule and time lines that are given, you are at a stage on this journey where acceptance is important - if you don't begin to accept what is happening you could be dragged under, this is a time you need to find strength, you need to see what you do have in your world & not what you dont have.
A bit of a preach but I fear you are letting yourself be a victim and a victim you are not.
A, I'm very sorry to see that things have taken a different turn than what you may have wanted/expected. However, let's take a look at the situation w/your son and your h at this time. Your son needs a male figure in his life, possibly on a full time basis, for a while. This is a very good opportunity for your h to be a full time parent and give you a break. You've been carrying a large part, if not all, of the parenting load while your h has been playing in his sand box. Now, it's your turn to rest, get your stress levels back to normal and put your focus on you for a while. I know you are looking at the situation in a different light, but I do believe you've been given an opportunity for a much needed break.
Your h will now see what you've had to deal with when it comes to your son rebelling, staying out and not doing what he's suppose to be doing. I suspect that your son will not be living w/your h for very long. As another poster pointed out, kids will play parents against each other. He will get tired of your h supervising him and will want to return home, and vice versa. He will want to return home, but for now, give the young man some time to spend w/his father.
I do hope that you are feeling better today. I know it hurts, but sometimes we have to let them test their wings a bit, but those little birdies do return to the nest when the time is right.
Sending you warm and positive thoughts.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I understand the frustration of things not working out the way you want. My thoughts are with you.
