After 3 long years, H is home

[MichelleLT]

Anyway, I told him that is what I have really been trying to do. That is why everything he had a problem with is being addressed - the reorganizing, the Gatorade, etc. He got upset and said, "So you're doing all of that for me?" I said yes. He got even more upset and said, "Don't then. I don't want you to do it for me. You should want to do anyway, but not for me."

Okay, first of all, his attitude is kind of sucking, but I'm going to comment on the fact that he is remembering mean things you have said (or things that he perceived as mean) but the arguments themselves seem to be venting for him. Meaning once he calms down he is friendly or acts fine. At least that's the impression I get from your posts.

I know it's hard for you, but as someone who tends to vent verbally, I kind of understand your H. He doesn't mean it to be personal, he's just speaking emotionally without censoring anything before it comes out of his mouth. Once that's done and he calms down, life is good. I tend to work the same way. My H doesn't which is one reason I have really been trying to keep my mouth shut - he can't handle it, especially on top of all the other issues he is trying to deal with.

He also seems to be looking for reassurances. I find it very interesting that he said you shouldn't do it for him, but when you insisted you wanted to he seemed to like it. Perhaps this was a convoluted WOA for him?

I also find it interesting that he is verbalizing the fact that maybe you want him to make changes. It's almost like he was throwing it out there to see your response. I think he's feeling pressure to make changes and isn't "there" yet. I don't know if the pressure is coming from you or him or family or friends. But somewhere, it is there.

I also think he doesn't know HOW to make changes and thinks they might be drastic and unnatural for him. So, perhaps asking for a small thing here or there in a very clear, one sentence question when he is not groggy or too stressed out might give him some guidance and also make him feel successful at some part of the R? Maybe start with things relating to the kids or something? I dunno, just tossing out ideas.

I hope this makes sense.