After 3 long years, H is home

[GoingForward]

Another R talk.

H got up about an hour ago. For the most part, everything still seemed ok. He made some phone calls, vented to me about some going-ons at work, then took his shower. When he got out, I told him there was a message for him from a coworker, to which he replied, "Can you change the greeting on the answering machine? There's no indication....that I live here, too." I nodded yes, but I guess he didn't notice because he immediately said, "Never mind. Uh, I guess it doesn't matter. Don't bother."

I cannot freakin' stand that attitude!!!

Bit my tongue and kindly said, "I nodded yes, that I would do it." H said, "Oh....well you didn't say anything to acknowledge me."

Note to self - Always SPEAK to him.

So after he returned his coworker's call, he came up to me (I was looking online for shower door replacement hardware) and said he was going shopping for a new car stereo and then to relax (??). I said ok. He put out his arms for me to stand up, so I did, then he gave me a hug and asked, "So are we cool? Is everything alright between us?.....I wanted to go to see....*sigh*....(friend) last night, and you wanted me to stay home....and it made me mad.......Everything's been pretty good for the last few days, then this happened. I don't like leaving and worrying if we're still going to be fighting when I come back."

What was going through my mind at that point was, "Everything's been good because you were getting exactly everything that you wanted." Things reorganized to his liking, his friends/coworkers coming over, going out to the bar with them, blah blah blah.

I told him that I wasn't angry about anything. I just feel like we have a BIG problem with communication, and if we can't step back and REALLY listen to what each other is saying, if we can't listen to the words and not the tone, then we've got trouble. I told him what I expressed to him last night was not confrontational at all, but that is how he took it. My feelings were perceived as controlling. That explains why he got mad. (He was being selfish - I did not say this to him - and that is why he was crying last night. My statement of myself being "selfless" got to him.)

Anyway, I told him that is what I have really been trying to do. That is why everything he had a problem with is being addressed - the reorganizing, the Gatorade, etc. He got upset and said, "So you're doing all of that for me?" I said yes. He got even more upset and said, "Don't then. I don't want you to do it for me. You should want to do anyway, but not for me."

WTH.......*Sigh*

I said, "I DO do it for you, but it is because I WANT to do it for you." H said, "You should want to do this stuff for yourself and for the boys." I said, "The kids and I were alright with how things were before, but you weren't. I WANT you to be happy and comfortable here, so that is why I WANT to do these things for you, and the more I do them, the more they will become second nature to me." H angrily said, "I guess I should want to make changes for you, too, then."

Nothing was said after that. He just looked at me then away for a minute, gave each other empty ILYs, then he left.

He called about 15 minutes ago, again like all was well...and that is fine, to ask me something about the kids' camping trip coming up with my parents. He told me he loved me again, I did as well, then we hung up.

Why does piecing have to be THIS difficult? Up and down, up and down, up and...... Does it EVER, at some point, get any easier? It seems from what I have read on other threads, it's a struggle that never completely goes away.

BTW - I changed the answering machine's greeting after he left.