It makes it a lot easier to do things for other people when they are appreciative!
YES it does! However for me, it's not so much that he says he appreciates it all. It's more that he shows it by mellowing out a LOT (he's less irritable ever since I asked him if we could focus on one change at a time vs. every single one all at once) and touches me (hugs, little rubs, cuddling). Yep, one of my LLs is PT.
Originally Posted By: ACJ
Haven't got a clue what gatorade is but hey!
Wow, I guess we do learn something new everyday!
It's a thirst quenching beverage loaded with extras, like electrolytes and I think carbs. Ever heard of Powerade??? It's the same thing.
Quote:
Now GF what has your H done to show YOU that he is listening to your needs and desires. It's great that he appreciates the 'changes' you made for him but don't let it be one-sided.
You're absolutely right, ACJ, and I haven't forgotten this. I've thought about it on several occasions since he's been back.
He's already showing me that he's listening by not harping on me anymore that things aren't changing fast enough for him or to his liking. That's a BIG improvement, and it should stick as long as I continue to fulfill his needs by keeping things "neatly" organized throughout the house as well as making sure there's always an abundance of Gatorade in the fridge! There are many other little things to keep on top of, too.
It's the little things I do for H that count the most. They score the biggest points for me.
The physical closeness is good, too, but what is MOST important to me is QT. Not so much watching a movie or sports together, playing outside with the kids, or talking about our days.
I'm a SAHM who does very limited part-time work. I don't get out very much other than once a week, and that's only if I have a sitter for the kids.
At least once or twice a month, I want time away from the house and from the boys with just my H, and no one else.
H's schedule constantly changes, so many times, it's hard to plan things, and lots of times, his days off are during the week, so finding a sitter for the boys is a bit of a challenge, too, since they have school and everyone we trust to watch them works.
Sometimes when he actually is off on the weekend, he gets called from work and is offered overtime.....Very difficult to say no to that kind of money. It's like 60 bucks an hour and sometimes even more than that depending on how many hours he's already worked that week (there's overtime, double-time, and double overtime pay!). On several occasions, he earned $700 for one day of work! Great for us financially, but detrimental to the R. He knows it, too, but I suppose he struggles with this as well. He says he knows he needs to spend more time with me alone, but he also has this strong need to successfully, financially provide for his family. He's the breadwinner, so many times I feel as though what he says goes.
To an extent.
Hope you ladies have a wonderful day as well!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
It sounds like things are headed in the right direction and you both are doing the little things that mean so much. Keep up the good work and thanks for posting on my thread.
Have a great day!
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Thanks, Michelle. Last night ended up alright, but things have also left me feeling discouraged with my sitch.
H got a gift from one of the people who interviewed him two years back. Every now and then, they do that sort of thing for employees who they believe deserve acknowledgement, but it's always just a little something, nothing extravagant. Well, a few days ago during the fire training, she went up to H and complimented him on all his hard work. Said she is very glad that they hired him. He's been quite an asset. H said he told her he should be thanking her. This is the best job he's had and probably ever will have.
So yesterday comes along and he called to tell me that this same person came up to him in the break room and gave him the gift, and he showed them to me when he got home. I said that was cool, then he looked at me right away and said, "She's M'ed, so don't worry.".....Ummmm, ok! Wasn't thinking anything like that, but whatever (....and as if M'ed people don't have As ).
Anyhow, she said it was just a little something for all his hard work. She gave him a set of water guns ! H said one other guy received a paddle ball set! Guess it's just something to help them pass the time when things get slow and probably stress relief as well.
Anyway, we had dinner, then he decided to take a shower. While H was doing that, S8 and S3 came up to me with the set of water guns and wanted to know if they could play with them. I didn't see the harm in any of that, so I said sure but without water in the house. So they went off, running around the house "shooting" at each other.
About 10 minutes later, H got out of the shower and was coming down the hallway when I heard him shout, "What are you doing with those?! Who said you could play with them?!" I started heading that way and heard S8 tell H that they were just playing with them. H said, "Those aren't yours to play with!" I got to the room and told H that I let them. I didn't know that they couldn't. H said, "Well those were given to me. What if I wanted to hang them up on the wall in the garage or something? Like an award would be? I might want to look at them and be reminded of why I got them." I told him I was sorry. I didn't think it would bother him. He just walked away and went into our bedroom to get dressed.
He comes out about 15 minutes later looking kinda nice and asks me, "What do you think?" I said, "You look good!" He kind of laughed it off then got quiet for a minute before asking me, "Would you be alright with me going to visit (friend) for a little while? I won't go if it's going to bother you." I thought for a moment and told him (with a friendly smile), "Well, I would like for you to stay here, but if you really want to go see (friend), that's alright. Go ahead." H looked away from me and said, "Alright, I won't go."
He went into the room with the boys and sat with them for a few minutes, went out into the man-cave for another few, came back inside and looked like a zombie moping around. When he came into the living room, I told him if he really wanted to go to (friend)'s, he should go. He said no, he already told me he wouldn't so he was staying.
Less than 5 minutes later, H comes back to the living room where S3 is with me and says to S3, "Hey, you! Wanna go for a ride with Daddy? (Friend) hasn't seen you in a long time!"
WTF??!!! Did he not just tell me that he wasn't going to go?!
S3 said no, he wanted to "stay wiff Mommy".
I looked at H, laughed a bit, and said, "Dude, what are you doing? I would like to know. Are you staying here or going to (friend)'s?" He said that he wanted to go, but I was making him feel bad because he knew I really wanted him at the house. I said let's talk in the other room, away from the kids.
When we got there, I said, "H, try to look at this from my POV please. I know, I KNOW, how hard you work, and when you're not working, you want to relax, and you should......(Coworkers) were here one night already, and the next night, they were here again and you guys went out to (bar). You've played and spent time with the kids when you've been able to, and that's wonderful. That pleases me......But when has there been any time for us? When have you and I spent any time together lately?"
H sort of angrily said, "I haven't spent any time with you. Don't you remember that just last week we were fighting and at each other's throats?! Tell you what, (GF), why don't you go out and get a job like the one I have so you can know exactly how it feels to be me everyday! I'm trying to live with you, and that's all I can do right now."
Wow...ouch . Didn't know he felt it was that horrible. I also didn't know he held on to week old arguments for this long.
After that he went out into the garage, and I remained in the room crying a little. Composed myself several moments later, went to the garage and told H that I really wanted for him to go see his friend if that would make him happy. H snippily said, "You're lying because that wouldn't make YOU happy." I said, "Maybe I'm being selfless, H, and really want you to go."
It's like pain immediately took over his face, and he started crying. I asked him what was wrong, and he kept crying. "What's wrong, H?" He said, "You're making me feel really bad right now.....Just please leave me alone." I said alright, I'm sorry, then left the garage.
That's when I got on the computer last night, but he came back inside shortly after I logged on to the BB.
He chit-chatted here and there. It's one of his ways to apologize, so I responded even though I was still hurt. I stayed on the computer a little longer while he sat behind me on the couch watching TV. He kept asking me to watch a recorded program with him even though I told him I didn't feel like watching it. He wouldn't let up, so I relented. I went to sit on one side (the furthest side away from him), but he wanted me to lay next to him. I did, somewhat, and he tucked my feet under his legs and held my foot a little. We watched the show, then H was ready for bed. I wasn't yet, but he asked if I would go lay down with him. I told him I would be there in a few minutes. He waited for a second, then said he would like for me to go with him now, and again I relented.
Nothing happened when we got into bed. He just said ILY and good night (he was pretty tired). I told him ILY, too.
He's still in bed right now. He's got to work graveyard tonight.
*Sigh* I don't know how to feel. Part of me feels ok, but another part of me feels as though I'm doomed. It feels like H and I are both just going to "tolerate" living with each other. For the sake of the kids.
They mean everything to me, and I can't imagine hurting them again. I just don't know if I can or even want to live this way.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
H got up about an hour ago. For the most part, everything still seemed ok. He made some phone calls, vented to me about some going-ons at work, then took his shower. When he got out, I told him there was a message for him from a coworker, to which he replied, "Can you change the greeting on the answering machine? There's no indication....that I live here, too." I nodded yes, but I guess he didn't notice because he immediately said, "Never mind. Uh, I guess it doesn't matter. Don't bother."
I cannot freakin' stand that attitude!!!
Bit my tongue and kindly said, "I nodded yes, that I would do it." H said, "Oh....well you didn't say anything to acknowledge me."
Note to self - Always SPEAK to him.
So after he returned his coworker's call, he came up to me (I was looking online for shower door replacement hardware) and said he was going shopping for a new car stereo and then to relax (??). I said ok. He put out his arms for me to stand up, so I did, then he gave me a hug and asked, "So are we cool? Is everything alright between us?.....I wanted to go to see....*sigh*....(friend) last night, and you wanted me to stay home....and it made me mad.......Everything's been pretty good for the last few days, then this happened. I don't like leaving and worrying if we're still going to be fighting when I come back."
What was going through my mind at that point was, "Everything's been good because you were getting exactly everything that you wanted." Things reorganized to his liking, his friends/coworkers coming over, going out to the bar with them, blah blah blah.
I told him that I wasn't angry about anything. I just feel like we have a BIG problem with communication, and if we can't step back and REALLY listen to what each other is saying, if we can't listen to the words and not the tone, then we've got trouble. I told him what I expressed to him last night was not confrontational at all, but that is how he took it. My feelings were perceived as controlling. That explains why he got mad. (He was being selfish - I did not say this to him - and that is why he was crying last night. My statement of myself being "selfless" got to him.)
Anyway, I told him that is what I have really been trying to do. That is why everything he had a problem with is being addressed - the reorganizing, the Gatorade, etc. He got upset and said, "So you're doing all of that for me?" I said yes. He got even more upset and said, "Don't then. I don't want you to do it for me. You should want to do anyway, but not for me."
WTH.......*Sigh*
I said, "I DO do it for you, but it is because I WANT to do it for you." H said, "You should want to do this stuff for yourself and for the boys." I said, "The kids and I were alright with how things were before, but you weren't. I WANT you to be happy and comfortable here, so that is why I WANT to do these things for you, and the more I do them, the more they will become second nature to me." H angrily said, "I guess I should want to make changes for you, too, then."
Nothing was said after that. He just looked at me then away for a minute, gave each other empty ILYs, then he left.
He called about 15 minutes ago, again like all was well...and that is fine, to ask me something about the kids' camping trip coming up with my parents. He told me he loved me again, I did as well, then we hung up.
Why does piecing have to be THIS difficult? Up and down, up and down, up and...... Does it EVER, at some point, get any easier? It seems from what I have read on other threads, it's a struggle that never completely goes away.
BTW - I changed the answering machine's greeting after he left.
Last edited by GoingForward; 04/25/0807:17 PM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Anyway, I told him that is what I have really been trying to do. That is why everything he had a problem with is being addressed - the reorganizing, the Gatorade, etc. He got upset and said, "So you're doing all of that for me?" I said yes. He got even more upset and said, "Don't then. I don't want you to do it for me. You should want to do anyway, but not for me."
Okay, first of all, his attitude is kind of sucking, but I'm going to comment on the fact that he is remembering mean things you have said (or things that he perceived as mean) but the arguments themselves seem to be venting for him. Meaning once he calms down he is friendly or acts fine. At least that's the impression I get from your posts.
I know it's hard for you, but as someone who tends to vent verbally, I kind of understand your H. He doesn't mean it to be personal, he's just speaking emotionally without censoring anything before it comes out of his mouth. Once that's done and he calms down, life is good. I tend to work the same way. My H doesn't which is one reason I have really been trying to keep my mouth shut - he can't handle it, especially on top of all the other issues he is trying to deal with.
He also seems to be looking for reassurances. I find it very interesting that he said you shouldn't do it for him, but when you insisted you wanted to he seemed to like it. Perhaps this was a convoluted WOA for him?
I also find it interesting that he is verbalizing the fact that maybe you want him to make changes. It's almost like he was throwing it out there to see your response. I think he's feeling pressure to make changes and isn't "there" yet. I don't know if the pressure is coming from you or him or family or friends. But somewhere, it is there.
I also think he doesn't know HOW to make changes and thinks they might be drastic and unnatural for him. So, perhaps asking for a small thing here or there in a very clear, one sentence question when he is not groggy or too stressed out might give him some guidance and also make him feel successful at some part of the R? Maybe start with things relating to the kids or something? I dunno, just tossing out ideas.
I hope this makes sense.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
You're all such wonderful ladies!
There are many other little things to keep on top of, too.
).
. Didn't know he felt it was that horrible. I also didn't know he held on to week old arguments for this long.
I cannot freakin' stand that attitude!!!