i'm clueless....

[ann25]

Hi - so last night was rough for me. After work, I had a Dr. appt in the afternoon, then went grocery shopping, picked up the girls, went home, cooked dinner, cleaned some, got the girls ready for bed... did all the mommy stuff i do. I was hurting really bad. I just needed to sit down and relax. He kept asking me for things. I told him i needed to rest, but when i got up, i would get whatever... eventually, he'd tell me not to bother and just do it. He was mad about little things all night. Then he went and got in the shower. he was acting differently all night and then got mad when at 1AM i wasn't up for sex. I told him we can't wait until i'm falling asleep every night, that it's too hard on me. He got mad... it's fine for him cause he sleeps til 10AM, but I'm up at 6:30 and out the door after getting the girls up, dressed, and fed. I guess he was just in a bad mood and I don't understand why and he wouldn't tell me. I hope i start feeling better...

Dom -

sidebar: truth be told... some men simply do not like being around children.
Do NOT try to change that, if it is the case. Just accept it. Try to make the time he does spend with them, as pleasant as you can. But dont push him to do more with them than he is happy to do.
PLUS, there's a big difference between complaining, "I want you to treat someone else differently", and "I want you to treat ME better"....You dont have the power or right to alter the dynamic of his relationship with his daughter. That is between him, and her. However, you DO have the power, AND right, to alter the dynamic of his relationship with YOU.
Because YOU, control YOU.

He likes kids. He will even spend time with them when he happens to be in a good mood and there is no actual responsibility involved. My issue is not as much his time, but how he treats them. I know you say i can't control how he treats them, but only how he treats me, but that doesn't make me feel any better about it. Don't get me wrong, i'll give time outs and spankings and whatever is needed if they deserve it, but there is no consistancy with him. something he laughs at today will get them yelled at tomorrow. As much as i can't control how he treats them, i feel like it is something that i really need to address, because it is the one thing that makes me seriously want to leave him. I'm responsible for helping shape them into the people that they become and I don't want them having some warped view on how they should be treated by a man. I won't push him, but hopefully he pulls his head out of his a$$ on this because i also won't accept it and just live with it.

oh, but you are mistaken there. You are blessed beyond many people here, in that YOUR spouse, DOES care. He's just being stinking lazy about showing it. And the thing is... you are allowing him to be that way.

I think you're halfway to getting him to come around the "easy" way; with words alone.
RIght now, you've woken him up, to where he is actually listening seriously to your words.
Tomorrow/today, ask him what his plan is to make things better in your marriage.

When he doesnt have anything, then start telling him what you want and need from him.
More time from him together, more help... Dont get carried away with a grand wishlist of everything you could possibly want as a "princess".. just what any reasonable woman would EXPECT FROM A HUSBAND. (like I said... more time, and more help. may I suggest a specific amount of positive time together, and a specific amount of help, though. Men dont deal well with being told "more". they need specifics.)

Half the time, i feel like a jerk even being here. I know that so many people situations are sooo much worse than mine and that it could be much worse. The problem is, not caring and not showing he cares come across the same to me.

Maybe the problem is that I don't know how to explain what i want. How do i tell him i want him to be more considerate? I think all that will do is confuse him. I give him examples: (like last night for instance) that if i'm sitting down and he knows that I'm in pain (cause i told him) that maybe rather than asking me to get up, that he could just do it. When i say things like that, he gets this attitude "fine, i'll just do everything myself from now on, do worry about me. you just worry about you" I try to explain to him that i don't mind doing thing for him sometimes and that we are a team, not just two random people, so it's nice for us to help each other out, but that sometimes it is just hard for me, especially now with the pregnancy.

How do i tell him what i need help with when i mostly only need help because he's upset? I don't want to give him a chore list, but i would like him to consider how much i do before he gets mad that something isn't done exactly how he wants it.

How do i tell him that when we spend time together it's the quality not quantity that's important? I know he needs specific things to do, but i don't really have any specifics to give him.

I think i'm fairly reasonable. I don't need gifts and flowers and romantic dinners, i need him to be a little understanding and i need him to be more considerate. I just don't know how to make him understand that.

Hope some of that makes sense.