Hey, Deuxlie ~ I'm going to stop saying thank you at the beginning of each email, not because I'm unappreciative, just to save some time. I'm thinking it though, so thank you for your response.
I guess what I'd like to see are things like eye contact, casual touches and hugs, that kind of thing. I was seeing more of that prior to my recent 'slip', which was mostly due to, as someone else said, drifting back into giving my H a lot of power over how I was feeling, which I had much more under control in December and January. Once it was clear that he wasn't leaving, and especially after he told me that he wasn't actively considering it right now (even though it's of course always an option), at some level I began to expect that I could depend on him for that again. I wasn't spending any time here, and I haven't discussed this in any great detail with anyone, although one very good friend knows some of it, and the feelings were getting overwhelming. Not a good situation.
Yes, we went to the concert together, and ended up having a pretty intense discussion in our seats, with my mother beside me and surrounded by people who know us from school. It didn't really get into an argument, but it was tense. It was a conversation that we needed to have (child-related), but probably not there, and I didn't do a great job of listening to his feelings. In the past, if we had a discussion like that, I probably would have spent the rest of the evening ignoring him in chilly silence - when I look back, I'm really quite ashamed of the childishness. Anyway, instead I rubbed his shoulder a bit and talked to him in a friendly way from time to time throughout the evening. When we got home, I dragged him off to the bedroom and apologized, and tried to convey that I understood why he reacted the way did around this issue. I also apologized for my behaviour on the weekend and told him that I was making behavioural changes because I wanted to change, but that I couldn't always 'hold it'. He seemed to appreciate the apology and we had a nice hug after, but the retreat is still there. Not a lot of eye contact, he seems quite irritated by me - oh, it's fun.
He seemed to have decided that he just going to do (or not do) whatever he wants and I can just lump it. A reaction to the feelings he had as a child of being controlled by his father and then living with me - even before any of this stuff happened, reacting to my unsettled childhood, where I never knew what would happen next and was quite often more 'adult' than my mother, I very much tried (and still do) to control everything to manage anxiety. The ADs I'm on have reduced that anxiety somewhat, but I still tend to go to the worst-case scenario most of the time. Not that I think there's really anything wrong with planning for that, but I can see that it would get annoying.
I guess that would be another big thing - maybe the biggest thing - that my H could see things from my point of view, as he used to be able to do. Everything is about him right now - I told him during the crying weekend that I feel like I am not entitled to have any feelings about anything, and he said that he didn't feel that way at all, but since any feelings I have make him mad or irritated, that isn't the case. Pulling back to being pleasant all the time has improved the tension in the last few days, so obviously I can't share anything with him yet.
I need to get back to that place where it really doesn't matter what he does - I was there for a while but I've lost it again. I guess I'll be spending a lot of time typing here, instead of getting some work done, which is really what I should be doing right now.
