Thanks, Michelle. Last night ended up alright, but things have also left me feeling discouraged with my sitch.

H got a gift from one of the people who interviewed him two years back. Every now and then, they do that sort of thing for employees who they believe deserve acknowledgement, but it's always just a little something, nothing extravagant. Well, a few days ago during the fire training, she went up to H and complimented him on all his hard work. Said she is very glad that they hired him. He's been quite an asset. H said he told her he should be thanking her. This is the best job he's had and probably ever will have.

So yesterday comes along and he called to tell me that this same person came up to him in the break room and gave him the gift, and he showed them to me when he got home. I said that was cool, then he looked at me right away and said, "She's M'ed, so don't worry.".....Ummmm, ok! Wasn't thinking anything like that, but whatever (....and as if M'ed people don't have As ).

Anyhow, she said it was just a little something for all his hard work. She gave him a set of water guns ! H said one other guy received a paddle ball set! Guess it's just something to help them pass the time when things get slow and probably stress relief as well. \:\)

Anyway, we had dinner, then he decided to take a shower. While H was doing that, S8 and S3 came up to me with the set of water guns and wanted to know if they could play with them. I didn't see the harm in any of that, so I said sure but without water in the house. So they went off, running around the house "shooting" at each other.

About 10 minutes later, H got out of the shower and was coming down the hallway when I heard him shout, "What are you doing with those?! Who said you could play with them?!" I started heading that way and heard S8 tell H that they were just playing with them. H said, "Those aren't yours to play with!" I got to the room and told H that I let them. I didn't know that they couldn't. H said, "Well those were given to me. What if I wanted to hang them up on the wall in the garage or something? Like an award would be? I might want to look at them and be reminded of why I got them." I told him I was sorry. I didn't think it would bother him. He just walked away and went into our bedroom to get dressed.

He comes out about 15 minutes later looking kinda nice and asks me, "What do you think?" I said, "You look good!" He kind of laughed it off then got quiet for a minute before asking me, "Would you be alright with me going to visit (friend) for a little while? I won't go if it's going to bother you." I thought for a moment and told him (with a friendly smile), "Well, I would like for you to stay here, but if you really want to go see (friend), that's alright. Go ahead." H looked away from me and said, "Alright, I won't go."

He went into the room with the boys and sat with them for a few minutes, went out into the man-cave for another few, came back inside and looked like a zombie moping around. When he came into the living room, I told him if he really wanted to go to (friend)'s, he should go. He said no, he already told me he wouldn't so he was staying.

Less than 5 minutes later, H comes back to the living room where S3 is with me and says to S3, "Hey, you! Wanna go for a ride with Daddy? (Friend) hasn't seen you in a long time!"

WTF??!!! Did he not just tell me that he wasn't going to go?!

S3 said no, he wanted to "stay wiff Mommy".

I looked at H, laughed a bit, and said, "Dude, what are you doing? I would like to know. Are you staying here or going to (friend)'s?" He said that he wanted to go, but I was making him feel bad because he knew I really wanted him at the house. I said let's talk in the other room, away from the kids.

When we got there, I said, "H, try to look at this from my POV please. I know, I KNOW, how hard you work, and when you're not working, you want to relax, and you should......(Coworkers) were here one night already, and the next night, they were here again and you guys went out to (bar). You've played and spent time with the kids when you've been able to, and that's wonderful. That pleases me......But when has there been any time for us? When have you and I spent any time together lately?"

H sort of angrily said, "I haven't spent any time with you. Don't you remember that just last week we were fighting and at each other's throats?! Tell you what, (GF), why don't you go out and get a job like the one I have so you can know exactly how it feels to be me everyday! I'm trying to live with you, and that's all I can do right now."

Wow...ouch \:\( . Didn't know he felt it was that horrible. I also didn't know he held on to week old arguments for this long.

After that he went out into the garage, and I remained in the room crying a little. Composed myself several moments later, went to the garage and told H that I really wanted for him to go see his friend if that would make him happy. H snippily said, "You're lying because that wouldn't make YOU happy." I said, "Maybe I'm being selfless, H, and really want you to go."

It's like pain immediately took over his face, and he started crying. I asked him what was wrong, and he kept crying. "What's wrong, H?" He said, "You're making me feel really bad right now.....Just please leave me alone." I said alright, I'm sorry, then left the garage.

That's when I got on the computer last night, but he came back inside shortly after I logged on to the BB.

He chit-chatted here and there. It's one of his ways to apologize, so I responded even though I was still hurt. I stayed on the computer a little longer while he sat behind me on the couch watching TV. He kept asking me to watch a recorded program with him even though I told him I didn't feel like watching it. He wouldn't let up, so I relented. I went to sit on one side (the furthest side away from him), but he wanted me to lay next to him. I did, somewhat, and he tucked my feet under his legs and held my foot a little. We watched the show, then H was ready for bed. I wasn't yet, but he asked if I would go lay down with him. I told him I would be there in a few minutes. He waited for a second, then said he would like for me to go with him now, and again I relented.

Nothing happened when we got into bed. He just said ILY and good night (he was pretty tired). I told him ILY, too.

He's still in bed right now. He's got to work graveyard tonight.

*Sigh* I don't know how to feel. Part of me feels ok, but another part of me feels as though I'm doomed. It feels like H and I are both just going to "tolerate" living with each other. For the sake of the kids.

They mean everything to me, and I can't imagine hurting them again. I just don't know if I can or even want to live this way.

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell