I think she's back

[klm]

There is still an element of uncertainty to it because you DON'T know for sure that he is at the library the whole time - however, that is your problem to deal with as there is absolutely nothing he can say to convince you it is true.

This is the problem I am having Sara. I don't know what it will take for me to start believing H. I guess transparency, but I feel like I will still doubt him. I have ordered the book "Not Just Friends" which I am hoping will help me work through those feelings. I will let you know how it is. Time also plays a big part in regaining trust.

His actions seem to be pretty good over the last week or so. Maybe you could initiate spending more time with him and see how he reacts to that? I do think that you have proven that standing up for yourself is something that works for you..so keep that in mind.

[Starshyne]

Thanks Kris (and everyone else) I am a little nervous about the weekend. It seems like the things that make me question if there is another woman always happen over the weekend. But maybe things will swing more in my favor this weekend instead. I need to stay positive.

I am going to offer myself to be available a little bit this weekend to do something with H. I know he has to work on Saturday morning, but maybe he would like to do something afterwards instead of just going off on his own and doing his own thing. We used to do EVERYTHING together, so the fact that this makes me nervous is a little funny.

[MichelleLT]

Sounds like a good experiment.

Remember, try and ask at a time least likely to cause an argument just because he is stressed out or something and keep the PMA.

Have a good weekend

[Abbey]

The sad thing is that trust isn't going to happen over night. I've heard it described that it comes in very... VERY tiny intervals. Also... doesn't take much for the progress to be thwarted or slid back down the ladder.

Be calm, and "verify" is the best way to deal with it, I'm finding. I don't think the full road to trust happens until there's a lot of normal "couple" like activity happening. For a lot of us, that's a ways off yet.

Funniest thing I've heard from the OP dept this week was my H's OP was dancing and ho'ing up a storm with some new neighbourhood guy on the dance floor 3 weeks back. Sometimes a little "outside" luck switches things around for ya... and you don't have to get your hands dirty or anything. Believe, believe

Keeping good thoughts for us all.
Abbey

[JeffSTL]

Good morning Sara, its Jeff from St Louis. I've been following your post. Things seem hopeful, then you don't know, he makes a gesture, then is gone and you don't know where, thoughts of what he is doing are racing through your head, maybe things will swing in my favor this weekend.

You are going to drive yourself insane.

I'm no expert Sara, but from what I have seen/read a A with OW is like a drug addiction and it takes a long time to get over and you are posting that the A was just ended in March ?? I don't want you to be where I am, going back and forth between hope and dispare.

What have you been doing for yourself

What 180 stuff are you doing/working on, are you chasing you H or detaching from him. I don't want to be cruel Sara, but small steps, it takes time, don't pursue H, work on yourself, be open to reconciliation, but its H that must make the move to reconcile and help you get back to the point that you can trust him again.

Please don't get upset with me, I'm just calling it like I see it and I would like others on this site to tell me if I'm wrong ?

Psalm 23 (English Standard Version)

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Trying to stay happy as my heart gets ripped out. Looking for love and affection (getting little or none)

M45
W41
M10 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
2 Dogs and 1 Cat
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
PA confirmed 03/08 and still going ???
MY POST

[Lyn]

Hi Sara I hope it goes well for you my H has actually asked to spend some time with me today, I want to see it as hopeful but it's hard to not stay reserved so I don't get hurt he admitted that he has not ended it with the OW. It hurts so much. My S16 took off last night and now I don't what to do?

PS Sara I started on our Buddy Challenge. Check it out. I can use all the help I can get
Lyn

[hopeful4her]

It sounds like your sitch is very hopeful. The thing I would say is, like Puppy has pointed out many times, WW are liars. Actions, not words. The words are great to hear. I might have a stroke the day that I heard ILY from WW again. Very encouraging, but you still have to have your rules on reconciliation. Getting back into the bedroom might be a good show of trust on your part, but only on your timeline. When your ready.

The appearance of being motherly to him is going to be tricky, as he had an issue with this before. But he has to understand that it is going to be temporary to rebuild trust. Communicate this in a loving way to him. He should not have any problem with it. Transparency as much as possible, but you know that if they are going to do something, they will find a way.

[Starshyne]

Well things are less than awful. I looked at his (which is actually our) bank statement and found numberous dinners out at times when he told me that he was doing other things that were charged to his debit card. And then the worst: a charge of $263.03 to a jewlery store at the mall. This one REALLY hurts me because he never even bought me an engagement ring. I had to buy my own. And here he is buying some OW a jewlery piece. I confronted him on this stuff last night. He bolted. I heard him come back at 11pm.

I am at the end of my rope. I have spent my day praying, reading the Bible and various books on marriage issues at the library. This is my plan for when he comes home from work (assuming that he is)

Tell him that I want our marriage to work, but I cannot be involved livig in the same house with him if he is going to continue seeing other women. There are 3 choices...
1. He will end ALL contact with any OW there are. Change his cell phone # as well as allow me to see his phone each day and look at his bank records. He will need to be spending time with me, doing things with me, etc to show that he is wanting to work on the marriage.

2. If he does not want to end it completely with the OW, then he needs to pack his things and go live with her or elsewhere.

3. If he give me the whole "this is my house and you can't kick me out" line again, then I will say. Fine, but nothing legally says that I cannot leave. And I will pack up and go to a hotel tonight and figure the rest from there. I will be leaving him in charge of the mortage bill, water, electric and his car payment. I know this will deeply hurt my credit and I might lose the house in the long run, but I have decided that right now my sanity and happiness is more important than my line of credit.

I am not GAL right now. I just don't have the energy. It took all that I had to actually get off the couch and come here and type this. I will get back to being a better me once I can get going on my H's decision. Please be praying for me.

Sara

[MichelleLT]

((((((Sara))))))

Be strong. You will be fine no matter what happens with your H.

[Snow White]

Sara, I am sorry this is happening all over again. But, I am glad you were able to get the information you needed to validate your suspiscions, I have found my lowest points have been when I am questioning my own sanity because I feel like something is happening and I cannot prove it and am scared of chasing H away if I am wrong. Now that you know the info you know what you are facing. Good luck to you, be strong and you will be ok.