I contributed to the demise of my M in part b/c I love to debate and play devil's advocate, and my X did NOT appreciate that. It would have been better to do the whole quiet active listening thing, letting her merely vent. You don't necessarily lose yourself when you provide such passes to your partner, IMHO.
I love to debate and play devil's advocate also. I have to get better with the listening also.
I agree, if resentment builds up, that's my issue. It would require mind-reading for it to be her issue...and even then, whose fault is it if I feel resentful.
This has been a useful topic. I like to hear different opinions and also when others have similar issues, like when you have a wild thought suddenly to swerve to hit pedestrians. Or is that just me?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I think the swerving is an unconcious act. I think the more deliberate act is ramming the car in front of you going 11 miles an hour.
I know full well my unspoken resentment and unspoken expectations contributed to the demise on an r.
Letting those thoughts, questions, doubts build and fester is unhealthy, but sometimes we simply find it easier to let it go and be angry with ourselves than discuss the concerns.
I think the more deliberate act is ramming the car in front of you going 11 miles an hour.
I have a GF that was on vacation with her H when a car cut her off. Her H said that they were in a rental. She speeded up, chased the car, and rammed into the back of the car that cut her off - on the highway. Since they were going in the same direction - she probably did ram into that car at around 11 or below miles an hour.
The other person got scared and sped off.
I think that is the most over the top manifestation of stress I have seen in a friend.
Mind you, a lot of that swerving may be unintentional...
For example, ever find yourself doing about 70 down the highway while woofing down a value meal, feeling fine about that 48 oz soda in your cup holder/lap because its diet soda. Then it happens, yep, the ol' onion inhaled mysteriously in reverse up your nose, causing instant choking on the diet coke that you're guzzling down at a rate of 4 oz/sec ? No amount of blowing and coughing gets that pesky onion cube out until you successfully bellow the mating call of the now extinct Irish Elk, which got its name due to the near brogue-like sound of it's love lorn calls - or so I've heard.
Then you slow down to 65 as you madly squeegee off the diet coke spray from the inside of your windshield with that credit card that you fished out of your wallet, which you pulled from your back pocket by standing up in your car by tilting your head at a near 90-degree angle after undoing your seatbelt?
I thought I'd use this name for a bit, just for kicks.
Anyway, my new question of the day: How do they do it?
I'm talking about the LBS that accepts their spouse blatantly having an affair and the WAS that blatantly cheats; I'm talking 2-3 nights per week staying over at the OM/OWs house and letting you know it. How could anyone do that to another person. I'm sure some would answer, "because they are selfish", but is it just that? To me it's one of the cruelest things you could do to someone, and this is someone you once supposedly loved.
And the LBS, how do you go on accepting that? How can you know that your spouse is letting someone else touch him/her, the way you used to touch? I understand that affairs happen. But what I can't understand is how to want my spouse so bad that I'm willing to just wait in the wings while the affair continues, hoping for it to end. It's one of the worst kinds of disrespect. If you are going to continue cheating, then get the divorce papers rolling. The worst kind of cheater is the one that bounces back and forth. Where does your self-esteem have to be in order to feel like you deserve that kind of treatment. Personally, I'd rather be beaten repeatedly by my spouse that have them flagrantly flaunt the affair in my face. Just my thought for the day.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
P.S. Why would you even want to touch a spouse that was still actively cheating on you? Does that turn anyone's stomach? To me it's yucky. But, I guess I've never lived it, so I wouldn't know until I did. I'd like to think I'd kick my spouse so fast and hard to the curb that she got whiplash.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Boy this is a tough one. I never thought I would ever consider taking my husband back if I had ever found out that there was an affair, but I did. Although I would hope that I would have never put up with it actively going on. Besides, I was so angry that he could be so selfish as to put my health at risk without my knowledge.
I don't understand but then again I've never been in that position, so I don't want to say anything bad about someone who is.
That's why I asked it here...because people are divorced and recuperating here. I so badly wanted to ask one guy, "how could you stand to have her in the same house as you?" or "why would you even want to touch her?" But you're right....it's hard without a common frame of reference.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I can understand that. I wasn't really referring to finding out your spouse had an affair or is having one, but gives it up when you find out. I was trying to envision what kind of person would cheat on their spouse and basically say, "I'm going to be staying at OP's house 2-3 nights per week". That seems so cold. I couldn't imagine wanting a person that was even capable of that.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Or is that just me?