Letter from WAW after she flew to my city for talk

[GH31]

This is the post I hoped I never had to write but here it is.

Time to vent:

W went back to the UK today and will be staying at OM`s house. He gets back from Ireland tomorrow night (Saturday) and then W is off to see a mutual friend of ours on Sunday. She said that she will be seeing him for half a day but I said that our "reconciliation" is a farce and that she will simply resume the A again. She insisted that she had already broken up with him but I wasn`t born yesterday - she said "I never said I am going to get back together with him GH31, I slept with you in the same bed for 5-6 days and we didn`t do anything sexual". She did break up with him last week and it was very hard on him - he was crushed so if she is going to do it all over again it would be very cruel of her. All of last night she was saying that we are "meant to be together", and that when we were packing up all of the boxes to be shipped back to our old home in Sydney in which her dad lives, that "it didn`t feel like the end of us".

I took her to the airport in Berlin to see her off and ended up being really upset with her, telling her that I felt cheated, betrayed, pissed and shat upon and stupid. I told her that "it`s not necessarily so that we are meant to be together" and that "I am building a new life for myself and my future wife, whoever that happens to be. I would prefer it to be you but I have no expectations, I just know that my own destiny is a happy one". She hates it when I talk of the future without her in it and when I talk about having a different woman as my wife in the future. What is so wrong is that we were chatting and she was talking about plans that we can do together in the future like buying a house in our Sydney neighbourhood, how the study would be etc. Go figure.

So, this is my own situation. I have a one way flight which leaves for Sydney on Monday 28th April 2008 - in three days time. I have told W that I am taking this flight and that I do not want any contact with her until she knows for certain that she 100% wants to recommit to M, or if she wants a divorce. She says often "I don`t believe in divorce" and she has always said that since I have known her, but I honestly think that she has no idea what she is doing at the moment and she even admits that. Then, last night she was imploring me not to go to Sydney and saying that going to Munich together is what we both want. I said that unless she could provide me with some hard evidence to back it up, I was not interested and that`s my decision. She said "but it`s so final" and I replied "I need final. We will both arrive at final at different times". She has also said "go and wait for me in Munich like a good husband should" and "I will feel very isolated with you not in Europe anymore". Whatever.

What I have been very careful not to do is to make her feel pressured. I simply said that these are my plans for me, and I know that you want to know them. I said not to feel compelled to run to me lest she lose me as an option for the future, or to prevent me from going back to her dad and spilling the beans on all the deranged things she has been doing. I insisted that if she comes back to me it`s because it is what SHE wants for her life.

So, she has promised to call me on Sunday at the latest to let me know of her final decision as by her own admission it is "crunch time". Apparently this will be her "golden word" or her "final word". And if she decides that our M is worth pursuing she wants to go to Munich on Wednesday where I have a job offer waiting. I would like to go too, but I would only want to go with her - not alone as I wouldn`t have the strength to take on a new city by myself in this situation. She will need the next working days (tomorrow is Saturday) to organise shipping her stuff, getting her mail redirected and seeing a mutual friend of ours. I have also got her to admit that she is still vacillating between me and OM. Even though she says "I am destined to hurt OM" she evidently seems like she still needs to do some depraved type of due diligence.

It`s strange. The last time I took her to the airport I was crushed but this time I feel somewhat sad though otherwise resigned and indifferent. I know that ultimately I will be happy but this chaos will take some time to end. It is stressing W out terribly and I have empathised with her very much. The most confrontational thing I have said to her is "how can a wonderfully smart, lovely, mild girl like you tolerate this level of chaos in her life?". She said "I don`t know" and she is right - this situation is simply too big for her. She has admitted to the need to take "a leap of faith" in order to trust me not to hurt her again. I know I have hurt her very much and have simply validated all of her concerns.

You guys might think I am nuts, but my intuition still tells me that we will work things out and get through all of this. We both agree that it will be virtually impossible for us to "quit each other". I am not ready to give up on my M yet - I am only hanging in there because I know that my horrible behaviour and selfishness got us in this situation. She stayed nine nights, we had lots of fun and we ML - that is an improvement on only staying for the day or on staying just 2 nights. I suppose we have come a long way in three months but that the rollercoaster ride must continue for now.

I hope I can report some more good news for you soon though I have even fewer expectations than before, and I have told W as much.

best to all of you,

GH31