He probably wants reassurance that you're still there and that's why he calls. I would keep doing what you're doing though so he knows this isn't a game and people aren't to be toyed with.
Kissak...he KNOWS what he needs to do in order to win you back...but he doesn't want to put his "cake" down to do it...and I agree with darboyd5 that he is keeping you on string by trying to get you to talk to him...he is playing with your emotions...this is not what you do when you love someone and want them back...this is what you do when you want your cake and eat it too!
Personally, I think I would answer the phone and not let him talk...but tell him no uncertain terms, "I am done playing your foolish game...actually each time you yank me around it makes me a little more done then before...I told you that until you know WHO you want to be with I don't want to talk to you...if you choose OW then I will be the mother of your children and that is IT!...If you choose me well then YOU have some work to do to win me back but if OW pops up just once....that is the last nail in the casket...now if you don't mind I would like you to respect my privacy and leave me alone to heal."
This might be more then he can comprehend...but I would at the bare minimum tell him that if he cares and respects you at all he will leave you alone...as long as there is the OW there is NO PLACE FOR YOU in his life...you don't want it!
Your are strong...you have come a long way...your H unfortunately is still playing the game with you and OW...so sad that she doesn't see it...I can agree with you on the trust issues...the more he does this the less you feel that you will ever be able to trust him again...my H didn't play these games but I can imagine the feelings if he did...and I can pretty much say that I might not have been around when he came out of "it"...
take care of you and the kids...your a good mom and that is priceless!
I was getting so angry at my H yesterday that I sent him a text that if the kids wanted to talk to him I would let them call him. He came back with "are you saying I cant call the kids anymore?" I didnt reply. That is not what I said. Then he texted me and said that to his knowledge he had never not talked to me. I just replyed that to my knowledge I had never hurt him like he hurt me. Didnt hear anything else from him after that.
I have to say after yesterday I sat down and sent my H an email. I had to tell him in that email what I felt I couldnt say to him directly without getting upset.
Basically I told him that I did not want to talk to him. I told him that if he chose to be with the OW, that I couldnt be anything more to him than the mother to his children. I did use some of your words LIN. I told him that if he ever wanted to be with me he would have alot of work to do to win me back. I deserved to be cherished and not have him playing with my emotions. I have a heart....
I have to say that I wonder why someone would want to be with a woman that he made these comments about:
"I feel sorry for the guy that ends up with her" "I have to warn that guy about her" "I feel sorry for her son"
Should we feel "sorry" for him then? I wonder if someone needs to "warn" him about her? Should we feel sorry for his kids?
Why is love so blind?
Wouldnt you think that when that "newness" and butterfly feelings wear off, well all those things that bothered him when they were fighting would show up again? He wont see what he was saying until its too late for him. He is losing us more and more everyday.
Last night I had his daughter call him and tell him that I was working late and not going to be able to take our son to TKD. He didnt even offer to take him hiself. What did he do? Went to the OW's son's ball game. He didnt even ask to speak to his son when on the phone with my D. After calling for 2 days and me not answering and him not getting to talk to the kids and complaining about it, he didnt even ask to speak to our S.
This morning instead of waiting for him to call the kids. My son wanted to call his dad. He wanted to ask if he was coming to his game tonight. Our D didnt want to talk to him. Usually she does and my son doesnt. I think my d is going to have issues with her dad.
I have realized that he has no real connection with his kids. Its sad.
He is coming to the game tonight. That should be fun! Im sure he is not happy that I am treating him the way I am now. I will only say hello if he does first tonight. Then I will find someone else to sit with.
Talk about uncomfortable.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
i i dont post much to you but i read everyday.....you are amazing kissak! what a good job you havw done. he is punishing you by not contacting the kids or he thinks he is. sit still dont reply go about your life...show him what life w/o kissak is!
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Thanks for posting anew2moro...I wish you would do so more often. I look forward to hearing from you.
I sure dont feel amazing. I feel really bad this morning. I guess I am having second thoughts about the NC thing. I just feel bad. I know I shouldnt though. I guess a part of me wants him to call me and miss me. I feel like he is now mad at me. I feel like I was wrong to be so ugly to him.
I know, he has treated me badly in regards to breaking my heart and playing with my emotions.
I shouldnt feel bad, but I do. Im not a mean person by nature and to tell him that I never want to talk to him or be his friend, well that is going against my nature. Im sad about it.
But I know...i shouldnt be.
Im just still so angry and hurt by all that he has done. All the things he has said to me to get my hopes up just hurt even more.
I just want to cry today.
How can someone say they care about you and miss you and do nothing about it?
Please tell me guys that I am doing the right thing by NOT talking to him.
I want a bandaid so bad.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
When you did talk to him, did he not string you along and mess with your heart and mind? So what do you think the answer is to your question about NC? NC isn't about punishing (or at least shouldn't be IMO) it's about positives for you, like gathering your own strength and getting some breathing room to deal with your own emotions. I know it's hard. I'm still struggling with it. Everything from if it's the right thing to do, to my own motivations for doing so. That he would not talk to the kids in an attempt to punish you (which is what it sounds like) is pathetic.
Remember that setting boundaries for yourself is not mean. Mean comes from a place to intentionally hurt. Also, aks yourself, is he really being a friend to you? I think on our end (at least at first) we cling to the "friendship" b/c it gives us some contact and we feel more hope. I'm not ready to be friends and I don't know that I ever will be. That doesn't mean I can't be civil and co-parent our D's. I just don't know that I'll ever (personally, with just me) invite him to anything or call just to say "hey" what's up with you?
Thank you Grace....You are right, when I did talk to him it was like he would string me along in a way. I do almost feel like he has the attitude of "ok, if you dont want to talk to me, have it your way! I wont talk to you then and I wont call the kids"
I guess it does all take time.
Im just sad that it came to this. I did in a way feel better about being friends, but I think it just gave me false hope.
Im scared to death he will "get back at me" by bring the OW to our sons ball game tonight....although I dont think he has the balls to do so! But if he does I will be devastated. I have yet to see them together.
Im just so angry at him...but at the same time I feel like I should call him and apologize to him for being so mean yesterday.
I think I am losing my mind.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I don't think you were being mean yesterday. You were being honest about your feelings. Sometimes, the truth hurts. He's going to be a little miffed for a while about it I'm sure.....too bad. He has dug his grave and needs to face the consequences. He won't realize that for a long time though.
I'm so sorry he is trying to use your kids to hurt you. He's an uninvolved father, his loss. You are the best parent your kids could ever have. You won't leave them, hurt them, or use them. LOVE THEM! LOVE YOU!
Paste that smile on your face and act happy until you really are.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Thanks Mishka.... I need all the reminders Ican get today. Just not happy....but I am trying to paste that smile on!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
You were not mean...you were honest...you don't need to appologize to him...he should have consequences he has to deal with...why should he be able to lie to you, cheat on you, and flaunt OW in your face and then be able to call you his friend???
Kissak...I think the best thing you can do for yourself and your "family" is to be strong and set boundries...and have NC until H starts respecting you!!!
