You have gotton lots of advice but you do what is in your heart and feel what is best for you. It takes a lot to be able to say no more and kick him out.
Have you made some friends at work? Maybe you doing some more things for yourself will help you.
I wish there was a magic pill we could put in their water to rid of this MLC.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
You were being patient and kind. That is not being a doormat. Sometimes I think DB'ing teaches us to be too patient and too kind and we FEEL like a doormat. I mean...we are doing things that apparently we couldn't do before right being accepting and understanding and yada yada yada....however.....it's been good for us to learn these things! We are better people now. But we are not doormats!
Set or re-set your boundaries and stick to them. Don't be afraid of the outcome just do it. I think your H might like to see somemore of your inner strength! You should certaintly show him some.
You are far from done sweetie.....just need to firm it up a bit.
You don't even need to talk to him. You actions should show him.
Just like his in-actions have shown you.
Use your tools. Use them wisely.
Hugs!!
Jeanette
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Patti - I second SF. You should not repraoch yourself, He has tried to come home before he is ready to work on himself. Many of them do, and as you know from the MLC resources, most of them run again at some point. He is where he wants to be, but not ready to work on himself. Whether that will come without you taking some action is anybody's guess. I don't think anyone really knows the 'best' way of dealing with a MLCer. The one thing I do know is that we HAVE to take care of ourselves, and continue to grow. It is the greatest mark of respect that I can give to my former happy marriage - to continue to strive to be the best person I can be.
In the bible we are commanded to be good stewards of our resources. All you can do at this stage is what the rest of us are trying to do - get on with your life, with no expectations of your h. He is moving along in his own way. You probably feel that if you threw him out he would go back to the OW, perhaps he would, but he hasn't actually 'got over' her yet anyway. He needs to do that, and only he can do it.
BND was also right - clear boundaries, and enforce them. I don't feel that MLC is a reason for them to be abusive, and I think that infidelity is a form of abuse, a lack of respect for us.
I THINK A IS RIGHT...THE MAN CAME HOME BEFORE HE WAS READY. hE WAS SURE THIS IS WHERE HE WANTED TO BE....SURE IS ACCORDING TO HIM EVEN AFTER HIS AFFAIR LAST FALL. UHMMM...I BELIEVE HE DOES WANT TO BE HOME. FROM WHAT I CAN PRY OUT OF HIM, HE DOES CARRY GUILT FOR OW'S SITUATION. AFTER THE WENCH LEFT HER H FOR HIM. NOW HE CANT QUITE PUT HER OUT ON THE STREET , SINCE SHE CANT AFFORD SOMETHING ELSE. I BELIEVE GETTING HER OUT OF HIS LIFE IS THEY KEY TO OUR INTAMCY. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR HIM. I DONT THINK HE WOULD GO BACK TO HER BUT WHAT THE HECK DO I KNOW. HE APPEARS VERY STRONG IN HIS RESOLVE TO STAY HERE.
Last edited by a new 2moro; 04/25/0802:42 PM.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Hi, Patti, only you can decide what to do. You can be like SF and just let him make his journey back as best he can. After all if you were living apart you wouldn't be intimate. He isn't missing you, but perhaps that doesn't matter.
What you do need to do is get a life for yourself, apart from your h - not in obvious 'rejecting' ways, butin joyous and fulfilling ways. Go back to school, learn to dance, learn a language. Anything that has you out there and enjoying yourself. Not focusing on your sitch.
The other thing we ALL keep on about is boundaries. What you will and will not tolerate. And do not allow those to be violated. Make them enforceable without snooping - for example you cannot police whether he has contact with OW, but you can decide how long you will tolerate her living in the apartment, and what you will do if she is there after that date. If you decide that is a boundary.
You are not a doormat. You are a loving wife who is trying to deal with a difficult and damaged spouse. Be true to yourself, and lean on God. None of us should point the finger - we have all 'allowed' bad behaviour. The fact that we are here is testament to that. If not we would all have divorced our h's by now.
Setting and enforcing boundaries for someone who thinks they are above and beyond normal conventions is tough. those of who has bought up teenagers can testify to that!!
The big thing that I see here Patti, is that you cannot decide what to do.
When some of us post strong words about setting boundaries and refusing to tolerate poor behavior, you embrace those notions. But you don't do anything about it.
When others post calm and patient words, you embrace those as well. But you continue to fuss and fret and feel agitated inside.
This unrest and sadness in you will persist until you choose a path to head down and DO IT. And that's why it must be YOUR decision, something YOU will be comfortable with.
It doesn't seem like the two of you understand each other very well. The email you shared earlier and his response to it are so incredibly disconnected that it's almost like the two of you are not even living in the same house.
Maybe you like treading water. I can't imagine it's much fun to live this way. But the answer is to make a decision.
Blessings,
bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
It doesn't seem like the two of you understand each other very well. The email you shared earlier and his response to it are so incredibly disconnected that it's almost like the two of you are not even living in the same house.
How long did you deal with a MLCer? The MLCer is disconnected, and unlike conventional DBing you cannot get them to connect. They simply cannot see anyones else point of view. With my h, others share with me occasionally their frustration at trying to have a real conversation with him, in which he connects. They just don't.
But it isn't Patti's failing at all, it is in this case, entirely her h's.
Maybe I misread your email, but it seemed to suggest that Patti could be doing more here, and I think it is part of the MLC persona, sadly. I believe that you went fairly rapidly through to a divorce, for which I am truly sorry, although I gather that you have found someone else, which is excellent. However, the fact that your wife divorced you is no reflection on your DBing skills, and the fact that Patti isn't connecting with her h is similar. It is part of the MLC condition.
IT BAFFLES ME TO NO END WHEN I POUR SOMETHING OUT LIKE THAT EMAIL AND ALL I GET IT " IDONT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU THINK IM NOT 100% BACK...I SAY I AM" I MIGHT AS WELL SLAM MY HEAD INTO A WALL.
IVE GIVEN UP ON EVER BEING INTAMATE. WELL FOR NOW. IM NOT ANGRY, JUST REALIZING IT AINT GONNA HAPPEN AND IVE STARTED FILL MY HEAD WITH UGLY THOUGHTS AFTER READING HIS LETTER TO HER...KEEPS CREEPING IN MY HEAD.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Hi - you are getting good advice here, but I do think it matters whether it is MLC or not.
There are affairs, which are hurtful, and have their own reasons and pathology, and there is MLC in which the affair is usually regarded as a symptom of an underlying crisis. Until that is addressed by the MLCer they are not in a position to work on their marriage or anything else.
We can all talk about what they ought and ought not to be doing until we are blue in the face. My youngest son told me that his father's behaviour is just like that of a cocaine addict - not just to me but to everyone else. They are self deceptive, manipulative, self serving, and concerned totally about themselves. Bt until the addict wakes up and realises what he is doing to himeslef and everyone around him they are totally resistant to whatever anyone else will say and do about their problem
Whether or not you allow him to remain in the house is up to you, of course. But I believe that it may help you to remember that this is MLC, that he probably has a long way to go before he wakes up and starts to work on himself, and in the meantime he is pretty much resistant to reason, threats, or any attempts to restore him to himself.
Having had an H who went through a very intense MLC...who also convinced his OW to leave her H (she had 3 or 4 small children to boot)...I saw the extreme guilt he carried...and as I said it took time for him to get over her and the guilt...it also took time for him to feel comfortable with me again...and yes, there were/are performance issues and yes, I wonder if it is me...but I don't focus there long...I also said that my H made contact with OW about 9 months after he was home...he also profess his "love always" to her...thanked her for "saving my life"...for telling me that "you always make the right decisions"...but reading between the lines I know what he was doing now...he was easing his conscience with her...he didn't want to "reject" her...but he fished enough to find out that she had moved on and found someone else and was now living with that man...she was happy...to my knowledge that was the last contact he had with her...he also expressed his love to me a few months following that contact...and from that point things have been improving on a steady basis...it has been 2 years now since his return...it has taken a lot of time...
I too believe my H returned too soon...but looking back it allowed me to show him the real changes I had made in myself...the strength that I had gained...I had to deal with his lack of love for me...lack of intimacy...alcohol addiction...severe depression...and inability to hold a steady job...this wasn't a pretty picture....and believe me I had many doubts...but in my heart/gut I always felt that if I was strong enough it would work out...if it didn't...I would be OK...
I understand how you feel...and your right, until OW moves on your H probably "CAN'T" commit to you...it is tough place to be...hopefully soon either she will be gone or he will give up on her...but really all you can do is be strong...avoid conflict with him...and move forward for yourself...and pray!
and we FEEL like a doormat. I mean...we are doing things that apparently we couldn't do before right 
being accepting and understanding and yada yada yada....however.....it's been good for us to learn these things! We are better people now. But we are not doormats!