Gran(i)t(ed), she was the silent type. Was never accusitory and never ran around, so I would say she was indeed stable as a brick.(Well , at least shaped like one in a plastic container). And of course she was always at my side (sometimes in the brief case), but she was always Exhibit "A" with the big yellow sticker. Never complained about the lunch or dinner menue, always the inexpensize date. But she just never opened up! I just don't know anymore Tom, always a puzzle hiding behind the furnace in the basement,a least for a while .I think the really big thing was the family - not really wanting to be associated with her, but wanted her $s, and that sort of lowered my heat for her. Not that it made any difference in her state. Ah, Muriel, such sweet memories. What a woderful relationship compared with others. Muriel, sweet Muriel, RIP.
I'm not sure whether to be hungry, aroused, frightened, or just cover myself in chocolate sauce. So, maybe I should just shut the h@ll up and get back in my cage to watch.
I wish you guys would stop talking about Muriel as though she's just some cheap piece of ash! Tom, you are so right about it having to come from within. I think that is also OT's point, it is not any woman's responsibility to maintain my sense of manhood or nurse me through my separation, that's my job. You are also right when you point out that CB was an amazing experience that actually made me feel a connection with a woman that wasn't fraught (is that a word?) with negativity. It was the wrong time for both of us and probably for me best that it did end. I also need to recgonize that she went way out of her comfort zone to be with me, that says something about me, doesn't it. I need to concentrate now on developing further a healthy sense of self that is dependent on no other R than the one with myself and God. That's a start.
Ah, the CB saga continues, 'eh!? At the theatre (if she approaches your group), just smile pleasantly, ask her how she is, and leave it at that. If she does not, then smile if you catch her eye ... no need to wave.
That's muh pennies worth.
You've sure been through the wringer, Wii, and have come out the other side a stronger person, and I am glad that you expect more of others in your dealings with them, and realise you are worth being treated with dignity. Continue being your own best friend.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Well Being Me, CB is a part of what Tom refers to as the "thingy". It's all wrapped up together and it gets pretty confusing trying to separate what is truly the individual situation and what is the thingy! OT's right in that CB was my drug of choice and that is why it was probably good that she ditched me, I have to now take care of my own hurt and pain in a way that will help me develop as a person and not as someone dependent on another to do that for him. We all know that just ends up in another crappy, been there, done that R! CB was wonderful to talk to cuz she never said "why don't you do this...." instead she would say things like "you must be in so much pain right now" She went directly to the feeling versus the practical aspect of the sitch, which is so tempting to do. She saw ME, not the sitch. That meant something to me. I want to be able to hold onto the really nice things she did for me despite whatever the appropriateness of the R was. Once I said to her "You don't have to listen to me but you always do, we haven't known each other long enough that I have any right to expect that of you, but you do listen and you do care, that means something to me" I meant that. It was not the R that was wrong, it was the timing and the context. So enough of memory lane, thanks for checking in and, oh yes, for caring!
Lol, I'm no fan of CB's. In my mind, she was the one who was acting poorly with respect to her current R, and her judgment about how to interact with a male in great pain is questionable. But, nevermind that...
Given she stopped the R, it would be VERY inappropriate for her to come up to you, your STBX, and your mom. Hopefully, she will behave better than that. In that case, there is no problem. There is no reason for you to initiate contact.
However, apparently history suggests she may check up on you.
If you are confronted with interacting with her in a social situation, how about simply,
To CB: "your D did very well, excuse me." To mother: "Say, I've been wanting to ask if ...." Or, To STBX and mother: "See you back at our seats in a couple..."
Since my D.. I have taken the idea of surrounding myself with people and relationships that are positive and healing yet diverse and also a sense of learning... about myself and also about the people I have met. Many of these peeps have been female.. some are not.. however, for the most part I sense that I am making or have developed some pretty strong friendships.
It is very nice to hear from someone acceptance, empathy and understanding about me. The genuine kindness and caring !
Equally, it is just as validating to be able to do the same (for me) for someone else. So long as we are on the same "level".. if that makes sense to you ?
I have been able to avoid the "one way street " syndrome.. which pretty much summed up the 15 yrs of my M. It was a give and take.. but mostly a take from the other side. And obviously, I am not blameless there.. as I let the taking occur. Much like your sitch.. but in a very different way.
YOU will begin to meet many CB's now .. each one in a different manner will help you understand the things you need to understand about yourself some in a positive way and others in another way.. your history.. and your present. Take care not to latch on to any of them too quickly on an emotional level... just listen, feel, and learn for a while ?
Enjoy the feeling of getting off the coaster and moving on to the bumper cars.
OT, you are right CB showed terrible judgment indeed. The last thing a beautiful, single woman wants to do is latch onto the pain of a man going through a separation. It don't take no genius to figure out where that will go! I think that when I told her it touched her "thingy" which was still hanging around since her divorce. She went through Hell, and to hear someone else, who she obviously liked, was about to go through it too touched something in her thus the tear filled eyes and deep empathy. At one point, I thought she had decided to leave me alone and I had actually reluctently accepted that would be the case but just then she approached me unexpectedly and ended up guiding me into the park for a long walk. After a months break she began suggesting coffee and, in fact, it was mostly her near the end. So she was in a mild way the pursuer near the end. I was apparently more aware of her R than she was. I think something just suddenly hit her between the eyes and she realized this was going to a bad place, felt guilty and maybe embarassed and thus ditched my ass in panic. So I'm glad to hear you aren't a fan , neither was my shrink who had some pretty harsh words about CB's behaviour. Shrink also said that I was giving CB a pretty clear message when I arranged my evening so that I would be elsewhere and nowhere near her when the kids class ended. I was saying I'm not taking this treatment from you, I'm not waiting around, I'm outta here! That was me respecting myself. Why watch someone drive by you each night without so much as a glance or wave if you can be doing something else, so I'm doing a group bible study...it's workin' for me. Again, I don't have some big hate on for CB, she fell into something she shouldn't for her own reasons. I hope that she really looks at the R she's in and decides for herself whether this is where she wants to be and if so, takes better care of it in the future. Thanks Tom for the input, your support has always been there for me and I empathize with how it feels to have been the giver year in and year out, but I like you, have learned that you must receive to make a R. My STBX wanted to get over and over, better and better but couldn't see how giving of herself will actually create the love she so desperately needed. You must give to actually feel love yourself. Wow, that's deep, eh!
Btw, my above post sounds like I'm laying it all on her, uh uh. I played my cards to get that attention too and I loved every bit of it. I sure didn't walk away knowing "the bad place" was possible. So, just to clarify!
At the theatre (if she approaches your group), just smile pleasantly, ask her how she is, and leave it at that. If she does not, then smile if you catch her eye ... no need to wave. 
I think that when I told her it touched her "thingy" which was still hanging around since her divorce. She went through Hell, and to hear someone else, who she obviously liked, was about to go through it too touched something in her thus the tear filled eyes and deep empathy. At one point, I thought she had decided to leave me alone and I had actually reluctently accepted that would be the case but just then she approached me unexpectedly and ended up guiding me into the park for a long walk. After a months break she began suggesting coffee and, in fact, it was mostly her near the end. So she was in a mild way the pursuer near the end. I was apparently more aware of her R than she was. I think something just suddenly hit her between the eyes and she realized this was going to a bad place, felt guilty and maybe embarassed and thus ditched my ass in panic. So I'm glad to hear you aren't a fan