Let's see, the 1000-words-or-less version, eh? Well, I haven't regurgitated all of that lately, probably worth doing so for my own good as well as for new friends. It doesn't pay to forget where we came from, does it?
We were married almost 20 years, and had drifted apart, became best friend/roommates with no passion in our lives. Activities centered a lot around our daughter, didn't have many friends.
Meanwhile, I was really bored with my job, had few friends or interests. W had been expressing frustration over this for a while, but (typical!) I didn't get it how serious this was.
W developed a nifty MLC and started communicating with a guy we had met on a biking vacation, who lived a couple of hours away. EA developed, eventually became PA. Naturally, I was great at ignoring the signs. She also started hanging out with a swinging divorcee friend from work. Both OM and new GF were pretty shallow, selfish people, BTW.
Six months before the bomb, I had also started back to school on an MBA, to try to get out of my professional and personal rut (this was regarded as "too little, too late" by W, but was good for me because I was already on the right path when the bomb exploded on me.)
When the bomb was dropped, I did all the wrong things - you know the drill. Took me about a month to find a good IC and to find DBing, and then I threw myself into GALing and PMAing with gusto.
Meanwhile, OM's nasty true colors showed and he dumped W. Then GF dumped her as well - was more interested in her frantic search for a new H than in being gal pals. The MLC hit rock bottom, as W considered herself trapped and friendless. I kept plugging away like a madman, making new friends and developing new interests of my own. At one point, had an interesting incident where I tried to step in and save the day for her like a knight on a white horse - it didn't actually work out, but it showed her a side of me that she had not seen before, so I believe it was still a "win".
The real turning point came about 6 months after the bomb. We had planned a Caribbean cruise for our 20th anniversary, New Years Eve 2006. During our sitch, I wrestled with what to do about that. W was planning her own Christmas-time vacation with OM originally, then switched to a trip with D after OM fell through. I drew a line in the sand in September, at a time when stuff was still very up in the air. Said that we already had paid a deposit, and so I was going to take D and go on the trip with or without W. Basically, this was my reward for a year of tough grad school and I wasn't getting gyped out of it just because W was having her MLC. Told her she could stay home alone, go see her judgmental parents and tell them about our sitch for Christmas, or come along with us on any terms she wanted - just friends, or more. And I really, really meant that (even though, of course, I wished she would come around by then). In the end, she decided to join us, and things were doing much better by the time of the cruise - even to the point of ML for the first time in a looooong time.
Our progress since then has been slow but steady. Got my MBA about a year ago. Continued GALing for the rest of 2007, largely with activities related to being the president of D's high school's music booster group. We have more couples that we see socially now, many who we met as as result of the boosters.
I keep working on stuff and try hard not to slip back into my old ways. The frantic pace I maintained at the height of the crisis isn't there, and sometimes that feels like a setback - but most of the time, I'm just glad, knowing that I could not have kept that up forever.
Currently, I am working (at a slow pace, I will admit) on getting back some of the passion. We've slipped back into ML only every month or so, which is not often enough! In fact, W "re-bombed" me several months ago by suddenly blurting out that she still wasn't where she wanted to be in the M. Scary stuff, but I handled it a h3ll of a lot better this time. She's not on her way out the door, thank goodness, and I am just remembering that there's always more to do.
One thing that I am finding very helpful lately is reading daily emails from the makeherhappy.com guy (thanks again for the pointer, saffie!) It's helping me see some areas where I need to improve in terms of being a more "manly man" instead of my natural tendency of "nice guy geek". I do think we will continue to "get there".
In fact, I just surprised W the other day, with a birthday present of a trip to Las Vegas in a few weeks. So, I do still have the "grand, unexpected gesture" in me from time to time!
Whew, I'm sure I left out some stuff, but I guess that covers most of it.
So, anyways, Jack - what did you wanna talk about?
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
