ok guys, I made it through the "first visitation". I did some backsliding, but after db'd. parent/teacher thing went very well and when we came back home h played, bathed and fed daughter and I left them alone to have their time. no R talks rest of day. When he was leaving, I smiled and wished him a good drive back.
it's breaking my heart that he can't see the life he is leaving and that this is our home. he's so caught up in his "thing" that he's like someone I don't know right now. all i can do is accept and db, right?
seeing him just opens the wound and i actually think being separated (which I fought for 2 months after bomb) is actually the best thing for ME right now. it's easier NOT to see him and i actually have been really good about NOT calling him/emailing him, etc. it's funny, yesterday, I didn't even have the DESIRE to talk to him.
but he was doing laundry here at home today and was walking around in his boxers. it killed me. I didn't say anything, but it was so "how it used to be" and a part of me wanted to grab him like I would have. now i can't. someone else has that privelegde. i'm not crying, i just can't believe we got to this place so fast!! 3 months ago I had a husband that I thought was solid and would NEVER leave his family. it's stunning.
i'll see him tomorrow when he picks up d. i'll try to db as best as i can, but it is SO f'ing hard!! I'm angry and sad and everything at the same time. I want to punch him out and call him every name in the book, but what I really want is for him to just hold me and tell me he loves me. I guess he is not in that place and I can't force that.
