I think we are in a rut

[MichelleLT]

There's another military wife who just started posting. Thought you might want to take a look at her thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1425321

[klm]

Thanks GF. I am not sure if H is willing to read the book, but I'll see. He is usually very open about things...but he is having a hard time opening up about the affair....guilt maybe? I think he is starting to realize that I need to talk about it to work through my feelings. I don't need the gory details...just more of how it happened, how it ended, and how we can keep it from happening again.

My mother has "After the Affair" and she said it was very good. I may read that next...or maybe not. I don't want to obsess about it...just learn how to let go.

[klm]

There's another military wife who just started posting. Thought you might want to take a look at her thread

Thanks Michelle, I'll check it out.

[klm]

Alright, just wanted to journal about some things you said on your thread Michelle that caught my attention.

Deep in my gut, I am very worried that he is going to go chasing that endorphin high again and get another OW and another and another and be just like his father and never realize what it takes to stay in a long-term R.

Ok, this has been bugging me about my H too. He is just like your's when it comes to happiness. He is always looking for that high....even in small things. I mean he is a salesman's dream....all you have to do is put NEW on it...and he buys it. Anyway, my thing is that he gets tired of things easily: video games, computers, car, and apparently me. I even brought this up in our convo the other night. He said "what does that tell you about me?" I said "that you are constantly grasping for happiness" He said..."and what does that mean?" I said "It means that you aren't happy and you are looking for material things to make you happy or you are always looking for something new or different to give you that high." He acknowledged that was true, he just doesn't know what to do about it, which is why I think he needs to see a counselor. He has even said that OW was "just something different". Never said he loved her or had feelings for her..."just something different"

Have you ever tried being "spontaneous" with him? Like an unexpected visit or a preplanned, surprise activity? Something he might find to be thrilling?

I think I should try this. My H even mentioned that I wasn't spontaneous and that bugged him. His words were that I am too responsible. I am going to try this.

I have been trying to work in lots of praise, and am working on the flirting a bit. This is exactly the reason I say WOA is his primary - when he feels like the compliments are sincere, his reaction is so warm!

My H's primary LL is WOA also. I do compliment and praise him, but for whatever reason he doesn't think it is sincere. I think this is partially because I didn't do it in the beginning of our R. I began to pick up on the fact that it was important to him so I started doing it. I think he thinks I only compliment him because he compliments me A LOT. I also think this is how OW hooked him...WOA overload. He felt it was more sincere from her than me...even said I did it because I HAVE to. Not true. So how do I let him know I am sincere?

[MichelleLT]

I also think this is how OW hooked him...WOA overload. He felt it was more sincere from her than me...even said I did it because I HAVE to. Not true. So how do I let him know I am sincere?

Damn good question. For some reason, my H also doesn't always seem to think I'm sincere and I am at a loss as to whether it is because of how I say it or how he perceives it. I used to be very free with my compliments to him, but as the years passed I didn't give as many spontaneous compliments. This is something I have to work on, but I really need to make sure he believes I am sincere, and I am at a loss how to do that.

I think it has to sound natural, and be combined with a smile, eye contact, open body language. Other than that...I'm at a loss unfortunately.

[Starshyne]

Did I tell you girls about the hot dogs conversation I had with my H a few weeks ago?

H used to eat hot dogs for lunch all of the time. So I bought some. He declares in a tone like I was stupid for buying them, "I don't like hot dogs!" What? For 7 years, you would eat one now and then. Yeah, not your favorite food, but never something you "didn't like." Suddenly it hit me that I was hot dogs. On some whim he decided that he didn't like me anymore after liking me just fine for 7 years. I remember crying to him "You think of me like hot dogs" which he didn't understand. But guess what.....all of those hot dogs are now gone and I sure didn't eat any of them. That gave me some hope.

My husband changes his mind about the things he likes all of the time. He hasn't held onto a job for very long because he gets tired of one or it isn't what he thought it would be (his current job he has had now for 9 months, which is a record!), music, movies, etc etc. I don't know why I didn't think that I could fit into his fickleness as well, but obviously I can.

That is why I am so scared that he is with yet another OW. I am not sure what our husband can do or say to show us that they will stay with us and not flutter off to something else.

Sara

[MichelleLT]

Hey Kris, did your H do this as well?

(Mini-hijack) My H was always adding to his music and video and book collections, but never really got rid of old stuff even if he didn't watch/listen to it much anymore. But when the bomb dropped...he got rid of a ton of CDs including his U2 (which is like his favorite group ever) just said he wasn't listening to them anymore! Just like that! Took a bunch of clothes, books, CDs and movies to Goodwill. Said he didn't like them anymore.

I guess I am a CD, Sara is a hot dog (great analogy BTW). What are you Kris?

Doesn't it seem like all our Hs just threw the baby out with the bathwater?

[GoingForward]

Yikes, I guess I'm a pork chop then! LOL

My H's primary LL is WOA also. I do compliment and praise him, but for whatever reason he doesn't think it is sincere. I think this is partially because I didn't do it in the beginning of our R. I began to pick up on the fact that it was important to him so I started doing it. I think he thinks I only compliment him because he compliments me A LOT. I also think this is how OW hooked him...WOA overload. He felt it was more sincere from her than me...even said I did it because I HAVE to. Not true. So how do I let him know I am sincere?

Damn good question. For some reason, my H also doesn't always seem to think I'm sincere and I am at a loss as to whether it is because of how I say it or how he perceives it. I used to be very free with my compliments to him, but as the years passed I didn't give as many spontaneous compliments. This is something I have to work on, but I really need to make sure he believes I am sincere, and I am at a loss how to do that.

I think it has to sound natural, and be combined with a smile, eye contact, open body language. Other than that...I'm at a loss unfortunately.

Perhaps H perceives your WOA as insincere because he had to tell you that he wasn't getting enough compliments/praise/appreciation from you, like my H told me. He felt he shouldn't have to say anything, that I should've already known. Ugh, there's that mindreading thing again.

Let's forget about telling our Hs how much me appreciate and admire them for a sec and think about how we can SHOW them this.

For me, I had to let my frustrations (and stubbornness ) go and get to work. My H's LLs are WOA and AOS. Yes, he likes to hear that I love him, but he wants to see that I do as well. If I didn't back up my words with actions, then he didn't believe my WOA were genuine.

Kind of like DBing, eh?.....Believe nothing you hear and only half of what you see.

So start brainstorming, ladies.

What can you do to SHOW your Hs just how much you value them?

[MichelleLT]

Lol so the way to a man's heart is through his stomach and his other brain huh?

uhhhhhh, well, uhhhhhhh

Since I'm not in a position to be doing my H's laundry or other AOS I think that leaves me with the above. I do want to cook him dinner on one of our future dates (assuming they ever happen lol).

Kris?

And have I mentioned how much I hate that damn mind-reading BS?

[diana in CA]

How about just buying him something cute but special. For example, in easter I bought my husband a cup cake and placed it in a small but cute little easter basket.

I got a positive reponse from him.