Better late than never?

[Virtually_Handsome]

Perhaps, don't respond at all? She expressed an opinion, you don't have to respond at all.

[MichelleLT]

I literally meant just say "Me too."

[Virtually_Handsome]

That works, too. I still kind of lean towards no response. It feels too much like a trap! Don't take the bait.

[jon2911]

Jeff,
I'm wondering about that also. The whole deal with "I want the dreams we have before we got married" could be bait, like she's trying to start an R talk. One of the things I need to remember is that we've been over all this before. She knows I don't want the old R back. She knows I want a new one. Now I need to show her somehow. Talk is cheap and all that.


Michelle,
Thanks so much for the advice. Where else could I come for these instantaneous responses right when things are happening? I sent a simple "me too" response.


Jon

[MichelleLT]

IMHO "me too" is a great response. It validates, shows empathy, doesn't leave too much of an opening to lead into a R conversation.

Are you trying to tell me I'm on my computer too much? Lol.

[jon2911]

Are you trying to tell me I'm on my computer too much? Lol.

No, not at all! I really needed that advice. Sent her the "me too", and she responded to the tax stuff, but not the rest, which is good.

A couple more texts late last night and this morning, about business stuff, but that's cool. If she wants to use that as an excuse to keep in touch, that's fine with me.

[jon2911]

Wow, don't even know where to start with this bit of journaling. Went over to a friend's house last night to watch basketball, and was planning on spending the night over there. W texted me asking if I could find something for her at my apartment. "I'm up a creek" she said. I told her I'd love to help, and would be back late.

I called her and talked for a while on my way home, just catching up. She said "I missed you this week". Never said that before. I thanked her and told her I missed her as well. I was able to find what she needed quickly and offered to ship it to her Ebay customers, and she really appreciated it. She wants to visit sometime next week when she has a doctor's appointment.

Then, she said "I want to know what you think about us. Like, do you still have hope, giving up, what?" I didn't want to start an R talk, so I said I'd rather discuss this over e-mail. We've always been better communicating that way. She started crying and said "can you just tell me something nice, like that it sucks to be apart? I feel like I can't talk to my best friend any more."

I gave in then, told her how much I miss her and that I think about her all the time. That I just want to be her friend right now, and that I'm working on myself to make sure I never treat anyone that way again. She said hopefully we can get to the point where we can be friends without it hurting so much.
Then she starting bringing up all the stuff I did wrong, how neglected she felt. Even a new one: that she can remember dressing sexy for me 20 times, and I didn't even look up from my laptop. Ouch! All I could say is "no wonder you're so angry with me".

A lot of thoughts keep coming to my mind, that she's just cake-eating, wants all the benefits with no commitment. I have to keep remembering the advice in Michelle's article:

Whenever anyone asks me how to act after they have been left by their partner, I have one answer...act like a friend. Perhaps all that will survive is friendship, but by preserving a friendship, you always leave the door open to something more.

We talked for another 2 hours, and I kept trying to validate and avoid the R talk. She's still stuck on the thought that I only started respecting her and wanting her after she left me. At the end I thanked her for the talk.

Thoughts:

1. I need to be more detached and less emotional when we talk like this. She says things that just get to me.

- when talking about her friends, they're all kicking themselves that they didn't come talk to me sooner, try to help before it was too late. I told her that their past-tense perspective makes me angry, like it's all over and there's no hope. She said "well, they know me better than you do, and they know that when I make a decision I stick with it. I don't just leave my husband to come back later."

She's obviously questioning the decision now, but too proud to go back on it. Why does she feel guilty for coming back to her husband? The whole sitch pisses me off. Guess I need to get over it somehow.

2. W needs a lot more complements from me. I think this is something I can do without getting into R talk. She needs to know how much I respect her, and why I'm fighting like this. The more I think about it, that's what she might really be looking for.

Started that today, with a response to an Ebay e-mail telling her how much I admire the "Ebay Queen". Maybe a later follow-up with one of those "40 things I admire about you" e-mails?

[MichelleLT]

Cake-eating or not, you are making progress. Just remember, you need to make it easy for her to come back to you or the past, her pride, her guilt, or any number of things could stop you from ever reconciling. Be her friend, be her confidant, and keep working on yourself. Your actions, not your words, will show her the life she can have if she comes back.

I don't know about 40 things I admire about you...at least all at once. But work in compliments every time you talk.

And be patient. She is questioning her decision, that's GREAT news. But nothing will change overnight. So keep up the DBing and work on your detachment.

[jon2911]

I'm remembering a couple more things W said:
"if we could move to Barbados, no family, no pressure, then I might give this a chance"

Unrealistic, of course, but it's the first somewhat hopeful thing she's said. I'm also excited by her "best friend" comment.

Make it easy for her to come back, I like that advice. I have a lot of work to do...

[jon2911]

W called last night at midnight, apologized for waking me up, I told her please call me anytime. Light, fun conversation. Hopefully this becomes a common occurence.

Today she asked me to "spot" her half of the tax refund, which I gladly did. I'm being careful with giving her money, but W is from a very rich family which is incredibly focused on finances. They always viewed me negatively that way. Feels nice to have a great job and be able to help her out. How much longer will her family put up with her living at home and not working? Not much longer, I'd guess.

Moved to my new office today, love my new digs and boss. Hanging out with friends and studying all weekend. Even put a pic of W and I up at work, got a lot of complements. When I first took this job in November, I took off my ring, didn't put pics up, didn't want anyone to know the sitch. It's good to be in a better place.