Still in love and struggling

[Wide_awake]

Haven't had the energy to post the update here. I hope to hear from people who can share their thoughts from when they have been here.

I decided that I would be patient and wait for her to talk. She came home and sat down on the couch beside me but didn't say anything. So, I said, quietly, the ball is in your court. I'm here, I'm listening and trying to understand. She still didn't say anything for the longest time.

Then she said that she never intended for me to know. That she didn't want to take 100% of the blame for our marriage ending that she knew would happen if I knew she was having an affair. She is very adament that it is just as much my fault as it is hers. But, go figure, I never cheated on her.

I don't want details. I know a lot of people do that but at the end of a marriage, I don't feel the need to know all this stuff. All I want to know is when it started. This helps me to process what was real and what wasn't in this last year. She refused to tell me. She said that it started when she knew we were done and I knew when that was. I do? I can list of several dates that she claimed it was over and then went back on it. It wasn't until this last november that I felt she had truly decided. But, I got the distinct feeling that this is not when she was saying it started. We argued over this for a long time. she was rude, cruel and said she would just make dates up if that would make me feel better.

Hell no, it wouldn't. What is wrong with this? Sixteen years of marriage is not enough for a little honesty when it isn't going to cost you anything you haven't already made the choice to give up?

It was awful.

She did say that she is in love with this person but she isn't sure the other person feels the same way because of the lies and guilt associated with what they did. She feels that this is "the one."

So, I said a lot of things, but the hardest thing I said was that while we were still living in the same house this couldn't continue. It wasn't fair to me or to us. That if she is going to continue this then she needs to leave.

She just stared at me and asked if we could go to bed. I repeated it and she got up and left. I spent the whole night just starring at the wall.

She called me the next morning before I went to work-it was tense. She sent me an email telling me she was sorry, she shouldn't have left. I unleashed all my emotions on her.

But, since then she has been incredibly friendly and loving and wanting to spend time with me. I know, beyond a doubt, that this has nothing to do with me.

But, what is it?
Guilty conscious?
Relief that it is finally out there and she is free to pursue this other person?

I get the feeling, even tho she refuses to say anything that they are semi-broken up at this point becuase of the guilt/lies but that she is hopeful that they will be together once the house is sold and she doesn't live with me.

Again, I'm reaching out hoping for some advice.

Been doing this a long time and I'm still lost.