Nutty, hey thanks for the response. I also journal alot and it does help, but I feel like I am still just so sad all the time and I have become so queit and distant in other relationships when I used to be so happy and upbeat around others. I try hard to not let this MLC influence me in my daily life, but no matter what it is all I think about.
I have lost the love of my life and there is nothing that can help me stop mourning this. I have tried everything from counceling, journaling, GAL, acting as if, ect... and no matter what I feel like I am going to just be profoundly sad for the rest of my life. I know that time changes things and thoughts and feelings, but I have been going through this for a year and a few months already and I still feel as sad as I did when I got the bomb dropped the first time.
My H came by the house today when I was at work and he broke another boundary of mine. I have told him in the past that if he wants to come to see the dog that he needs to leave me a note so I dont freak out that someone was in my house. He didn't leave a note, but he did take his mail, so I know he was here. This is not the first time that he has broken this boundary. I dont know whether to confront him or to let it slide since I know it was him here and not some stranger due to him taking his mail. What should I do? Right now, I will do nothing.
What tempted you to file. Are you expecting him to rethink things or are you just competely done with him?
I'd have to agree with Jack. When I first read about H going into the house when you asked him to leave a note and he didn't previously, then I immediately though "change the locks". I've done it myself so I can say it's not that hard to do yourself. Not costly either.
Missmyfriend, As long as you know that now, then you should be at peace. You most likely treated her just like all the rest of us feel like we treated our S - that is with great love and respect. We just cant help that they are in a MLC -it is their journey.
My friends told me for the entire year before my H left me that he was out of his mind and he was treating me badly, my older brother even got into a fist fight with my H cause he told my H that he was treating me and everyone like crap. Then 3 months later he left me.
I guess I am glad that everyone else I know also knows that my H just snapped one day and turned into an angry a-hole that treated me very badly. They can see what I went through during his denial and anger stages. And now all my friends are here for me through out his replay and unfortunately they all hate my H right now due to the way he left me (he sold our house a week before he left and then only left me a dear john letter when he moved out and would not tell me where he was for 3 weeks until I found him), and due to the fact that he has come back to me twice only to leave again for no particular reasons.
I dont know what I would do with out my friends, they are great. TIPPER
Tipper you are at a really hard stage and reading your post - well I feel like I am reading my own.
There are things that you DO need to do to gain back the self respect that you do deserve. The letter was your attempt at taht...but also you grasping...and I know that level well.
If you truly want him to gain respect for you - and stop walking all over you then start with the little things. CHANGE THE LOCKS....as long as you are not living under teh same house you have that right. AND you dont have to tell him. It is no longer his place- he left..and you deserve for him to respect that boundary. You do it NOT to prove a point - but to FOLLOW through with a boundary...
I have read lots of Nutty Chicks threads...I dont believe she has thrown in the towel by filing. We CANT do things to get a reaction anymore.....we do things for US. And that is where you will get. Doing things for YOU not because of him, not to get back at him...none of it just plain FOR YOU.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
My H came by the house today when I was at work and he broke another boundary of mine. I have told him in the past that if he wants to come to see the dog that he needs to leave me a note so I dont freak out that someone was in my house. He didn't leave a note, but he did take his mail, so I know he was here. This is not the first time that he has broken this boundary. I dont know whether to confront him or to let it slide since I know it was him here and not some stranger due to him taking his mail. What should I do? Right now, I will do nothing.
No need to confront him or let it slide.
Show 'TOUGH LOVE' with actions not words!!
CHANGE THE LOCKS.
Don't say a word. He will find out soon enough when he tries to sneak in.
If he can’t respect your boundaries voluntarily then force him to.
ACT don't REACT.
Nutty
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
I have lost the love of my life and there is nothing that can help me stop mourning this. I have tried everything from counceling, journaling, GAL, acting as if, ect... and no matter what I feel like I am going to just be profoundly sad for the rest of my life. I know that time changes things and thoughts and feelings, but I have been going through this for a year and a few months already and I still feel as sad as I did when I got the bomb dropped the first time.
OK that is an awfully long time to feel sad.
Have you tried exercise?
It is *so* not possible to exercise and feel sad afterwards.
TRUST ME: exercise saved my life.
Every morning I was up at 5am. And worked out till 6.30am. This set me up for the day.
I would then walk, run and just get out of the house with my son. Rainy days .. I would spring clean, move furniture round, clean windows, scrub the carpets.
By bedtime, I was SO exhausted as soon as my head hit the pillow I was asleep.
I don't feel the need to do that now, it only lasted about 3 months... but if I feel a little down now I walk several miles and that lifts my spirits.
It is important that you lift your mood. I think that should be your priority now.
You have mentioned that you are not happy around other people .. I would imagine that would make you difficult to be around? Could that be why your H doesn't call when you are in? Could he feel your depression?
If you are happy and positive this will radiate to all around you. (and before long your H will be curious as to what is making you happy)
Gotta be worth a try.
Nutty
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
nutty: I am a Phys Ed teacher and I work out for about 3-4 hours a day with my students. I love to exercise and to be in better shape than I was when I left high school.
Jack & Nutty: I have changed the locks before and H got pissed off, but later he came back to me and that is when H got the new key. Then he left me again and that was when we agreed he would keep a key to see the dog when needed. He wrote notes almost every time he went for a walk w/the dog, but the last 2-3 times he did not. Then, after I got home from GAL last night, I decided I would text about not leaving a note, but before I could - I realized that he did text me earlier in the day and told me he took the dog for a walk and asked me how my vacation to the outer banks was. So I text him back and told him OBX was fun and that I appreciate him telling me when he stops by to see the dog. So, when I got out of work today, I noticed he came by again and left a note that said he walked the dog again, and that my tulips look good in the garden. So I think he got the point. Also, I just realized that earlier today (12:50p.m.) he text me and asked me if I wanted to go for a walk and talk with him after work today. Then he text again at 1:10 and said "sorry, I am full of bad ideas". So he obviously changed his mind about wanting to see me. He does this sort of thing a lot. I havent said anything back to him and I dont know what to say. He has tried to get together with me about 3 times since he last left me in the beginning of march and everytime he texts right back and says he thinks it's a bad idea. I think that he is worried that I have been so distant that I may be with someone else or that I just don't love him anymore. I am surprised to see him coming my way again, It has been two months of agony where we were both very dark. But I have noticed that everytime he has come back to me in the past he starts off by giving compliments and coming to see the dog more often. Then he starts asking to see me a few times, and then he recommits. I dont want to get my hopes up but this is the same pattern all over again. He is definetly curious about me and my life since I usually follow DBing to the "T". DBing definetly helps to bring him back, but for some reason, I cant seem to keep him here when he gets home. I have noticed that since I wrote that letter (but didnt send it), it really has helped me to feel better finally, I have been happy and I just keep telling myself that my H is definetly gonna regret his decision some day and that makes me feel good. I saw an aquaintence that I havent seen in about a year last night and he said the same thing to me that my H will regret this. I guess I am feeling much better these last few days. Thanks for all your good suggestions. TIPPER
but if I feel a little down now I walk several miles and that lifts my spirits.