Stronger - but still confused

[Snow White]

Hey there, I am back home now, D is exhuausted, fell asleep in the car and is napping.

I did a poor job GALing and DBing. H started early in the afternoon with I hope I can make it up there tonight, gas tank is empty, I'll find a way and I'll go but- no money(he still has a full week till getting any more $ - I ignored that so for at least that I am proud, other than that I sucked. I had a spa treatment prior to going and came out to a text from him saying he couldn;t go didn't even have enough gas to get to work. ***Bad DBing starts here**** I called and said meet me outside seans(where he is claiming to stay but in question) so you can give D a kiss she hasn't seen you in 3 days. So he says I'll meet you at home instead, so I thought this was my clue he is not at seans. I said I am already in the car ill come there - well I'm not there. He was in the parking lot accross the street from my house. He came over gave D a kiss and I started to cry, said I told you the things she said yeaterday and you are pulling out? So he got upset I was crying - go and have a good time. I thought bastard I was going to have a good time, you invited yourself, I agreed for d's sake and then you pull out at the 11th hour(this is all in my head).

Then I get lost on the way there he calls while I am lost (actually a godsent) yells at me for being lost but then tells me the right way to go. D fell asleep on the way we got there in time for story time, and then chips and dip in front of the tv then bed. Today we went down to breakfast and immediately I was hit with sadness at the fact everyone else there was a family. It was a buffet and that was weird in itself because someone usually would go up with d then sit with her while the other person goes up ect. I had a hard time not crying - ok well I did a little during breakfast. Then we go down to the waterpark an dhad a decent time, still trying not to but noticing all these dads palying with their kids. D has to go to the bathroom, while she is in there that damn "Bubbly" song came on I was trapped in there listening to the whole thing, and I actually started shaking(well I was cold too but this was more). That song reminds me that I am not special, that this person had a song with my husband - THen it was all I could think about how my focus is on making sure the A is over and H coming home but that I am not sure any of that would matter because it would require so much effort on his part to ever make me feel special or safe again and how can he do that if he doesn't even know if he wants to live here?

D did have a great time and got a new Webkinz which seems to be the most important part to her.