My guidance in spirituality is now stained,static driven. I no longer feel the comfort of a higher being which to be quite honest is the most alarming.
an thus the work of the devil is done, he's put so much against you that it has worked, he's overwhelmed you and you no longer feel there is anyone up there listening (yet again, that's how stbx started going downhill, he started to doubt and then stop believing).
You are bigger than all your problems whapu, you CAN and WILL come through this, even it means leaving/temp S. Your W needs a huge wake up call, much like me that year H left, I never understood what I was doing and no amount of his silence nor "hints" made me understand what I was doing to my M. Don't wait until there is nothing left of you and (sorry) like stbx, finds he's lost something inside him and just can't find it anymore.
Sadly, she doesnt see that she is putting her work above you, just like I put kids/house chores above stbx because I thought I was "doing the right thing". All her needs are being met so in her eyes all is great. Whatever decision you make, do it on your knees, even if you are not 100% someone is listening, do it, just pour all that is eating at you. You are in my prayers dear friend, please take care of yourself)))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thank you Cat for keeping a watchful eye on my dismal thread! Figgy, Diggy diggy! A glistening waterfall of smooches to you! I have thought long and hard about all the tidbits of universal advice that you guys have all given. I went to an interview last week and it went well. Even if I don't get the job my self esteem at least got a jolt of energy and nourishment. I went to the psychiatrist afterward because I was greatly concerned over my cognitive abilities. I agreed to take medication for most likely acute ADHD and mild Asperger syndrome which I had suspected all along but could no longer adapt to. While the medication has taken some adjustment it has helped immensely and the "milky" haze in which I travel has evaporated. I have decided to clean up my life in every respect. I snapped on Sat after I filled in for my wife in the dreaded "snack shack" for the baseball game. I ended up having to do 2 shifts and ended without a thank you nor acknowledgment from her or her son. She just proceeded to chide me about not buying her another COACH purse (The other 2 Coach purses she received within the last 6 months no longer suits her style). I went shopping with her and the little one and my oldest. All she spoke about was how I wont buy her the purse and the oldest chimed his disapproval as well. I simply kept shut until she finally burst out with deep sighs "I guess I am the only one capable carrying a conversation!" I just said "If it is about Coach purses you are right. I am going to have to take another look over my guitar and maybe it might be time to buy a new "Martin" She was mad as well because I didnt make any plans for mothers day. I said that she had said that she wanted to go the beach and then she changed her mind and said that she wanted to go to the movies with the kids. She denied it all and said that once again I don't make any plans. On mothers day she told the middle son to clean the bathroom and he promptly told her to "F_ck off!" He has been saying that to me and everyone else in the house a lot lately and that was the final straw. I grabbed his shoulder and told him by no means do you tell your mother to f_ck off let alone on mothers day and his attitude needs to be adjusted or he needs to get out of the house. He told me to F_ck off as well. So I snapped! I told him to promptly f_ck off as well(which was wrong but I have swallowed enough) I called his father and said that he needs to come pick him up and I had enough. He constantly states how much he hates living here and what a hell hole the house is yet he is the only one in the house who never lifts a finger without some smart a$$ reply. Also the whole house revolves around his Baseball schedule. My W bit my head off and said that I had no right to tell him that and he was upset. I said that he should be upset for telling his mother what he said and he had the audacity to make plans with his friends for the day. She said that I needed to go. I said that I had to deliver my moms present anyway. I could go longer with this scenario but I wont other than I had a wonderful day by myself for a change. I wrote 2 new songs on the guitar, installed a new computer in the garage which for the time being will be my recording studio and went to late evening mass (the meditative mass, my favorite). I forgot to mention that the middle S father did call back and chided me that he was only reacting to my drunken behavior. I told him that I wasnt drinking and the event that he was talking about was 3 weeks ago and he had only one version to the story. Also I came from a home where my father beat my mother, beat all the kids and went through cars like suits but that doesnt mean it's okay for me to do the same. He of course hung up. My W wanted me to apologize and I said that I will not and the behavior of EVERYONE in this house needs to change. If you dont like it either try to fix it or leave. My shoulders are apparently too fragile to carry the entire weight. Of course she didnt agree and this time I said well things are going to change no matter what, starting with me...I hope it all goes well. There was much more to the previous week and the days but this post is becoming like "Ben Hur" so I will let it cease for the time being. I am sure there are many 2 x 4's sure to fly but I feel better that I am again taking control of my life and ready to be headed in a direction (whether it is the right one, who knows) but it is a direction. I also feel the spiritual guidance once again which is reassuring and refreshing. So I make my way out with lucid eyes and sense that the time is now for change.....for a change.....peace
(although...I did just get this sweetass kermit the frog one!!!)
you are a gem sweetcheeks
and
I have no 2x4s because if my sone said f'off to me he would do well to call an ambulance because his sorry assets would be in need of some emergency medical attention
first of all I'm sooooo glad you are taking meds for ADHD, I remember how stbx felt when he first started to take them,(good results, though he hyperfocus too much on thing he'd say) I pray pray they help. Putting up with all the crap you've put I could n't send even look at a 2x4, you truly have a mountain of patience. I'm so glad you've decided to make a path for yourself So nice to hear from you hon, keeping you in my prayers))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thank you "sisters of sanity" for arriving with a pat! I really appreciate it immensely. Figgy, Cascading smooches abound! Unfortunately, my traction has taken a sudden halt ONLY for the moment. Last night I sat my W down in our bedroom and closed the door to talk and discuss and PLEA for a resolution. Meanwhile "M" son was glued to our door outside. I explained that with the occurances of Mothers Day, any sort of authority I had (however slim) was now erroded to not only him but the other children as well. Since I have to spend the majority of my time with them and the house, they have now decided that they have to do NOTHING that I ask. She said "I guess that means I can't talk about my meltdown at work." I said "why not? You go ahead and then we need to discuss this situation." She went on and on how overwhelmed she is and the work load is increasing and she is having difficulty completing everything on time and she needs a vacation. She planned a vacation with the little one and her and the "m" son for the summer to go to Disneyland. She said I probably wouldnt be able to go because I will probably be at a new job by then and the oldest boy cant go because he has to take summer school....Whatev. I listened and repeated what she said and then asked for her help with the kids. I said that I was sticking up for her and she didn't get my back except for inserting a steely blade in it. She said that she talked to him and that was it and that I shouldn't have called his father without asking her first. I explained that in the past she had done the very same thing on numerous occasions with the exact wording. She said "I didn't mean it though" Anyway no resolve whatsoever. She said that there is nothing she can do and she is tired of me blaming my problems on everyone else. Tired of my paranoia, accusatory ways, nada nada nada. I yelled "I NEED YOUR HELP!!! Why can't you help me!!!" She sighed deeply and said impatiently"nothing I can do. You don't communicate and nada,nada, nada" I said "I guess I don't because I am not getting anywhere with this discussion." I calmly grabbed my keys and walked to a neighborhood pub and got a bourbon and a beer. I only stayed there an hour and came home and the lights were off and promptly slept on the couch. I woke up earlier in the morning and crawled into bed with the wife and little one(still and irritating situation). When she got up she made sure when the middle S was out in the hallway to scream at me that I have been sleeping around and having and A. She waved my cell phone in the air and told me I shouldn't be calling these people. The people I called where all friends of mine and 2 were Male and One was friend that both her and I knew for several years. I said that no one was home and didnt talk with anyone but once again the Middle "S" was standing there throwing things around and slamming the door. The middle S father comes over and immediately starts in with"anything else you want to spur on me?" I told him I didnt want to talk and that anything that comes out of my mouth gets twisted and spurned against me. My lips are sealed. That didnt work and then he started telling me that it wasnt any business of mine about how his son treats his mother and why hadn't I told him before. I replied I had on several occasions and it would work for a day or two and then M "s" mouth would arrive again with a demeaning tone and behavior. This is my house and he needs to at least give me that much respect especially with all I do for his Baseball, basketball and Football. HE just screamed at me in front of the little one who he wanted to take to the zoo. I told him to get out of my house and if he was going to the zoo then do so already. HE kept chiding me and I finally just said I need to go. when will you be back. He said at 2:00. I replied I will be home then. He said you will never see me again! I just grunted "go figure!" I called the place I had an interview at last week to see if the position has been filled and was told they went with another applicant that fit their needs more. He was a nice guy and I appreciated him taking the time with me. Oh well, keep scratching! I am hanging....visions of tropical beaches, translucent waters and immersing myself in something that hasnt bit me lately...myself. I had stockpiled a little money for while I was looking for a job but when I had mentioned getting away with just the W I was shot down. HMMM...Anyway, I am sure boredom to most but it helps me keep my thoughts somewhat vivid. Once again more I could write, coming home from Chicago with a mans sweatshirt and T-shirt from her friend there and opening up a Neiman Marcus account in my name....back to the OLE DAYS....Just a word to those piecing....you have to do the steps on a daily basis or you will be tripping wires twofold. I swore I would never let this happen again but here I am....this time just might be the last....peace
