I hope I'm not posting too much. lol I just feel like I can finally talk about things. I have a blog that I post to regularly and a myspace page but family looks at those so I do the whole "chin up" thing there. I don't dare let my loved ones (friends or family) know that I am still holding out hope. They've all had enough of his mood swings and how they affect me and the kids. They are proud of me for finally taking a stand.
But I need to talk to someone about what's going on in my heart and head because sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode with the heartache. I need to go to a counselor, too.
Anyway, he just called and we talked briefly before he went to class. He had gotten "jealous" the other day when I had mentioned that I have a close friend that I talk to on the phone who is of the opposite sex. H was talking about being bored and lonely and I jokingly said that when he's out the next time, he should do some light-hearted flirting because it can be a mood lifter. I told him it works for me (mind you, it could be with a toothless old man. lol). So the next morning, I get a text wanting to know if I had sex with anyone. I said no. He wanted to know about my phone conversations with the opposite sex. I told him it wasn't any of his business considering I've been the faithful one and he's cheated on me umpteen times and is now adamant about divorce.
My friend is solely that, a friend. He has a lot of clout in the army and helps me know my entitlements or goes to bat for me with the command when my H is acting up. But I was so surprised how jealous H is of him. So when I ask him today, "should I move on?" (not meaning with another man, but just in general) He says firmly, "We are getting divorced. We don't work being married to each other" Ouch! it felt like he kicked me in the chest. He said he was coming to NC soon. I asked him why and he said because he really wanted to see the kids. After we hung up, he texted me that he was looking forward to seeing me as well. I typed back, "I can't" (because at that moment, I was trying to catch my breath from crying but didn't want him to know). He misunderstood what I was saying and thought I meant something else (about sex). I told him that I wanted to work things out eventually but there would have to be changes made in both of us. But that since he didn't want that, I had to move on without him.
I don't know if I should have contact or not have contact. It is sooo hard not to call him or text him or email him. I try so hard. But it also hurts so much to love him and to not be wanted. I know I need to get the DB book. I'm going to check the Post library to see if they have it. I'm sure a lot of my questions will be answered there.
If my posts are too long, someone graciously tell me, okay? :-) I just feel like a floodgate has opened. I do talk too much so I'll make a concerted effort to use less words. lol
