Sorry about the cross posting and kind of free falling type of "things that can work" stuff I threw out there. I was just trying to think different because it's so difficult to hang in there and reassess your goals while it feels like you are the only one working on keeping your M and family together.
Thank you for the good wishes. Sometimes I feel like when I mention how things can be, in a testimonial type of way, that I come off gloating or thinking it gives me credibility. It doesn't. I just got lucky. I swear it's only because every once in awhile, I see someone wondering if it's worth it-- and I just have something to say.
DB-ing is always worth it. The changes we make and the life we get while GAL-ing, if done for the right reasons, whether we bust a divorce or not, is always worth it. I would not be the person I am today were it not for this painful journey I went on. I wish I were the type of person that stuck with my path of self-enlightnment and creative problem solving, but I lost me along the way and lost that path. It took almost losing him to find myself.
I too "thought about leaving". The more I detached, the stronger I got, the harder the questions got. When I was honest with myself I acknowledged I couldn't go back to the marriage we had either. I had to actually make myself lists of the reasons I was hanging on at times.
Luck? Fate? I don't know, but sometimes we find what we're looking for. When I detached, forgave him, let him go and let him see how I looked at him now, he started to see himself the way I did. I read somewhere that it's not the OW he loves, it's the way she makes him see himself.
You've been through a lot, Ingrid, and the stress must be exhausting. Only you know the guy you married and had kids with.
I've done some reading and if I've got this right your first objective was for your H to stop talking about leaving.
In January you acknowledged that you know he is confused about the Love v. In Love concept. You wrote:
" He wanted to know why I was crying, so I managed to get out that it was the look on his face, that he was looking at me like he loved me. I was not up to DBing in that moment and I don't even know what else I could have said. Got a hug, was told that of course he loved me. Of course he loves me, he's just not in love with me - everything else we have is worth throwing away because that small piece is missing. He didn't say that last thing, that's just me ranting.---Jan. 4, '08
So. Goal One. He is no longer willing to throw everything away. Check.
What are your new goals? I heard you when you say you want the emotional connection back, but maybe we can break it down into smaller goals if you tell us what that would look like to you?
What kinds of things would your H be doing if he not only loved you but was IN love with you (and knew it)?
Is it getting warm enough to garden yet? Did the two of you attend the concert together? Do you go to S's baseball games together?
Did you have the conversation with H that you mentioned last night?
