Reclaiming myself and my life #6

[COG]

Frank,

You probably don't want to hear from me again so soon, but I know you're at least able to hear another perspective. You know I love you no matter what.

making assumptions about my anger or vindictiveness that is simply not true

Sorry, I must have not been very clear. I don't think you're angry and vindictive, your W maybe, but not you. I didn't mean to imply that. What I really meant to imply is that you sound beaten. Like you've given up. You sound a bit like you're stuck in the quagmire of self pity, the "whoa is me" stuff. It's not very attractive Frank, and you know that.

I've been lurking, staying tuned with your sitch. I don't know crap about MLC, and maybe your W is in MLC. But honestly, I don't think that's for any of us to judge. We all have our flaws. But what will WE do about OUR actions, OUR attitudes, OUR subtle criticisms, OUR judgements, OUR expectations.

My life is fine, but I'm still in the battle. If I'm not careful I can find myself right back in the pity pot. I hate that! No right now I am very strong. If my M breaks up tomorrow, I think I'll walk through it just fine. I'm getting closer to a place where worldly things like owning and controlling a S just isn't that important. The important thing is being able to accept a person for who they are, how they feel, and what they do without judging them, or trying to change them. Then we can decide if they're worth standing by or not.

Your W is the mother of your kids. I know that you know it is far healthier for kids to be with their parents than without. (I know the exceptions to this rule people so just don't jump me on that)

HERE'S MY MESSAGE: Don't quit! Fight to the death for your family. Know this is a spiritual battle between good and evil. Do not allow the good in you to be encapsolated in the darkness of depression and self pity. Keep fighting my brother, fight for YOUR peace, YOUR joy, YOUR courage, strength and faith. Stand tall and proud. Do not expect anything from your W. But YOU be the strong and beautiful MAN that you were created to be. Change your stredgy today! The one you've had just doesn't seem to be bringing joy into your life, or helping your M either.

What are your goals, and how will you achieve them?

Love,

COG

[frank_D]

You probably don't want to hear from me again so soon, but I know you're at least able to hear another perspective. You know I love you no matter what.

I always like to hear from you. Even when I disagree.

Sorry, I must have not been very clear. I don't think you're angry and vindictive, your W maybe, but not you. I didn't mean to imply that. What I really meant to imply is that you sound beaten. Like you've given up. You sound a bit like you're stuck in the quagmire of self pity, the "whoa is me" stuff. It's not very attractive Frank, and you know that.

Well, if you've been following my thread you'd know that I've been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety and have been taking Lexapro. W has hit me when I was down and it's been a real battle to pick myself up when I'm up against incredible odds financially and spiritually. So of course I'm going to feel beaten. But, to allay an fears from now on that anyone may have I will say that I am NOT beaten. And I will not give up on ME or my children.

The important thing is being able to accept a person for who they are, how they feel, and what they do without judging them, or trying to change them. Then we can decide if they're worth standing by or not.

That is true. My W had an affair 2 years ago, I stepped up and coaxed her back to the relationship, did most of the work to get her to feel comfortable again. Then, when the going got tough an I needed her support it was nowhere to be found. And then she bails when I need her the most. 'Standing' for her is not an option. She has to 'stand' for herself. She has to decide once and for all that she is 'in' or 'out'.

I cannot sacrifice myself any more. This is between her and God.

Right now, she is adamant that she is 'out'.

Your W is the mother of your kids. I know that you know it is far healthier for kids to be with their parents than without. (I know the exceptions to this rule people so just don't jump me on that)

Of course. And I would prefer we stay together but only if she looks inside herself and sees the demons that are there and faces them. Until that time there is nothing I can do except keep 'fixing' things, or damaging myself by carrying all the weight of the emotional issues she has and I have. Well, that doesn't work for me any more.

HERE'S MY MESSAGE: Don't quit! Fight to the death for your family. Know this is a spiritual battle between good and evil. Do not allow the good in you to be encapsolated in the darkness of depression and self pity. Keep fighting my brother, fight for YOUR peace, YOUR joy, YOUR courage, strength and faith. Stand tall and proud. Do not expect anything from your W. But YOU be the strong and beautiful MAN that you were created to be. Change your stredgy today! The one you've had just doesn't seem to be bringing joy into your life, or helping your M either.

I have changed it. Up until about 2 weeks ago I was keeping my distance, protecting myself emotionally and processing my hurt and anger. I was taking care of MYSELF.

Now, I feel much stronger. Now I feel like I can interact with her and be kinder, caring and friendlier without it hurting me. That's my 'strategy'. Because it's ME.

I don't want to 'attract' her back COG. I've been there and done that. I did all the work and when I couldn't, she bailed. I want to be ME, and I am sure that ME will BE attractive to her.

But, I want her to choose to come back to WORK on the marriage because SHE wants to, not because I was 'nice nice' and 'patient' and all the other things.

I want her to see the kind and decent man she married and then look inside herself, see the damage she has done to all of us and want to fix it. I choose to love her and be kind and decent to her and I'll never be mean or vindictive.

Marriage shouldn't BE this hard. You shouldn't HAVE to be "still in the battle" all the time. If your relationship with your spouse constantly requires you to be 'on guard' then something is wrong.

I want that peace, that love. I'm willing to change myself so I can be in that place of peace and love. The question is, is my W willing? And if she decides she is, she will have to show me this time instead of letting me do all the fixing. And if that opportunity does come up I will give her every chance in the world to show me and I'll be patient.

[COG]

Frank,

Awesome!

But, to allay an fears from now on that anyone may have I will say that I am NOT beaten. And I will not give up on ME or my children.

Amen to that my friend, you are NOT beaten. You are a warrior my brother! You are a man!

'Standing' for her is not an option. She has to 'stand' for herself. She has to decide once and for all that she is 'in' or 'out'.

Okay, I get it, you're right on that point.

Marriage shouldn't BE this hard. You shouldn't HAVE to be "still in the battle" all the time. If your relationship with your spouse constantly requires you to be 'on guard' then something is wrong.

Right on all three counts! Ask any long term M person and the majority will tell you they've had struggles. Periods of togetherness, and periods of distance and separation. It's an ebb and flow. M people grow and change, and if we are not constantly "on guard" we just might miss the opportunity to recognize the growth and change in our S. Eventually, we grow apart. The more time goes by the more I recognize how the M evolves, never staying the same, always evolving and requiring adjustment.

You're a good man Frank. I want you fired up! Don't let any person cause you to believe you are unworthy of love, peace and joy. That your W is unable to have good feelings about you right now is no reflection on you. It is HER sickness, HER failure. But that's about HER, and I'm more interested in YOU!

God Bless,

COG