....that is the question. I've been lurking around here, reading stories and advice, but not daring to hope. I've hesitated starting a thread of my own because that simple step would be a sign that I was allowing myself to hope. I've been hurt and betrayed and have had to play hard ball more than I wanted to.
But here's the thing: I look at my little blue-eyed cherub playing at my feet right now, smiling up at me and laughing, looking so much like his daddy and realize that he's not even going to have his daddy around to watch him grow and explore. This little guy is one of four and all of them are amazing, well-adjusted kids....for now.
So that's my starting point, the "babies". The marriage has the advantage that we love each other still and when we are apart, we miss each other. Between the kids and the love we have for each other, there's a small ember in the ashes that hasn't quite been extinguished. As long as that's there, I can't completely quit. Yet and still, my heart has had enough. I am a strong woman but even the heart of the strong can only take so much.
It has the disadvantage of our age difference. It didn't appear to be a problem before(some people have commented that they didn't even realize there was an age difference) but now it seems like he's going through an early MLC while I, on the other hand,am trying to keep normal family life going.
My husband is adamant about a divorce. We have survived such difficult times, not just in our marriage but in life...deployments, the stillbirth of our son, the illness and near death of our youngest, my near death, my husband's adjustment to his injury, having to switch jobs and not be able to jump out of planes anymore (you'd have to know a paratrooper to know how devastating this can be), army life in general plus all of the stressers from limited finances, personality differences, etc. The list goes on. It has been hard for me to accept that we can't beat this. But he is finished and I can't control that. I can only control me and sometimes that's hard enough.
I don't know how much I'll post. For now, I'm just reading. We've been separated before & on the brink of divorce but never have gone this long without him changing his mind. This is the first time it looks like the real thing to me. But, while I am looking forward to starting a new life, in my gut, I won't have peace in that new life unless I knew I gave reconciliation my all.
I am a firm believer that the "goal" isn't always the "point". More often, the JOURNEY is the POINT. So, in this process, I know that God is shaping me to be the healthiest (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually) woman that I can be. That is where my true success will be. The marriage flourishing is just a perk. :-)
