Thanks, Kel - you can call me Ingrid, which I used originally but thought I'd give myself a least a little bit of a disguise.
I've been doing more of the things that work (smiling, stepping back, not asking for any details of what he's been doing, etc.), and decided yesterday that if he can be comfortable with physical touch/sex but not any emotional connection, then I would try to make that do for myself for now. Spending more time here will help, I know. Not finding any time for this is probably a big reason for how crappy I've been feeling lately, just keeping everything to myself and feeling so alone.
When he came home last night, I walked up to him (he looked a little freaked), said that I was just thinking about him (which was true) and gave him a big hug. He wasn't entirely comfortable, but things have been a bit better. A little. We seem to be back where we were a few months ago - he'll touch me in bed, quite a bit of cuddling overnight and sometimes sex - but he pulls back noticably during the day, which I'm finding difficult to face - DBing is taking more strength this time, not sure why.
I would like to tell him that I know I fell off the wagon over the weekend, that I understand that he's feeling knocked back too, and that I have intention to go back to that, but being human, I'll occasionally make mistakes.
I think it's important to acknowledge what happened, so he knows that I'm aware and working on not being that way. I'm thinking an email, because I can keep that light and not emotional, and he won't feel any pressure to respond right in the moment. Just a few sentences - what's the worst that could happen?
WHEN there is a definite commitment to revamp, renew, rebuild, go for the best relationship you've ever had... (i acted as if and got really excited when I talked with him about the M and life we were going to build together with all we'd learned)...
I'd preface a talk about questions I needed answers to about his affair with... I don't want you to feel as horrible as you must've felt back then ever again. Help me understand what kind of things I can do to make it easier for you to tell me ....argh. We need to know what you need to know, but I'm just throwing out ideas because I don't want to give you the impression that I think we should just sit back with our head in the sand while the poor darlings heal.
Throwing out stuff that worked for us in the meantime:
We laugh about how the "old me" or "old him" would've handled a particular crisis/situation/in real life or on tv. Television and movies give ya opportunities to ask questions... compare relationships. Take care though. It really has to come from you as an *opportunity found* type of moment. You can't really plan it like picking a movie out with a message. Way too fake and transparent. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but LOOK for moments and then, only use about 1% of the opportunities presented to you.
Gooo sooooo sloooow with this. You will get your answers when you need them. If you don't get answers, that is almost always an answer in itself.
Music. Dancing around the kitchen. Singing at the top of our lungs. Old lyrics. New songs. Not much from the past few years unless I want to send a message. Music is one of our most effective bridges to talking. I set up (cheap) speakers all over the place, inside and outside. He ran the speaker wire. He knows the (sappy, ugh) songs that got me through particular phases of MY journey while he was on his. "Stand" was one phase, and from the same (Rascal Flatts)CD, "I Feel Bad" --- ouch. Just examples of creative ways we can all brainstorm and find ways that work for YOU to open up communication lines with the silent brooding types.
It's hard for me to listen to music that he may have listened to with (theskankyoldbit*h-who-put-an-evil-spell-on-my-H-and-dragged-him-into-her-bed)OW. But yeah, ha, I'm over it. Sometimes I used to ask.... then one day I laughed and said that those questions were like asking him if my butt looked fat in these jeans. I now just laughingly say that I'm sure that song/movie/mcdonald's hamburger etc., tastes better now that it's me you get to gaze adoringly across the table at....
Attitude. Posture. Get some. Meanwhile be still. Wait. Breathe. Calm down. Tell me I'm full of it. Hopefully anyone getting through this will if I'm out of line. I'm not a professional and don't proclaim to be on a message board.
It's not always gonna be this way....... hang in there if you love him and can keep that family together. It's soooo amazing on the other side.
I think you're right. You need to trust your gut on that one, I was just afraid he'd run back to his safe spot that he goes to in the light of day. Acknowleging awareness and work is great! I just didn't want you to put so much emphasis on a big R talk right away.
As MANY others here have written, it's not at all uncommon for the S to take a very long time to acknowlege loving feelings and words. I really do not believe it is because the feelings aren't there or can't be rediscovered. Keeping that in mind makes it easier. Don't believe he doesn't love you. I never did.
When my H first decided to "at least give us a fair try without a country between us" he said he wasn't sure he could be in love with me again. It's hard to even go back to that moment, believe me, we know. I told him, "I know honey, and I want you happy. We still will have the choice to build separate lives if you feel that way once we gave it our best chance."
He now actually finds ways to make sure to I hear, loud and clear, that he's NEVER stopped loving me in 21 years. I've decided that it'd be pretty stupid to argue this point.
I learned.
Seriously, if you act, the feeling follows. A lot of xWAS are still looking for that high they got with new <cough> luv that they experienced with the skank/ahem, OP. They gotta go through the pain to get over it.
Anyhow, what a long way I have of saying that if you can find a way to communicate that doesn't send him back, GREAT. That is what you want. Just have to find the approach that works with him. Physical touch. Can ya just play with this a bit at night and get things to laughter? You have a sense of humor. It even comes our through your tears.
What kind of actions/words are you looking for in order to feel a more emotional connection?
You did well when he came home last night. You can do this Ingrid.
Again, thank you. Hearing from someone who has been there makes such a difference.
I try very hard to keep things light all the time. In response to my seeming fine and ready to move on without him, he felt that he had enough space to stay and see how things go. I just don't know how long I can keep this up - tears are more and more frequent. I act when we're together, putting myself in the place where he was, where he just pretended he was fine but clearly was not, for a really long time. I'm not sure that's terribly productive. He's pretending too, a lot of the time. Isn't there any way to be real without being scary? For my own sake, I need to find a way to do that.
Hey, LS ~ I tried to find you but the system told me I couldn't do another search right then. Was a bit snitty about it, too.
I'd love to trust my instincts, if they'd stick to one direction - first I think I shouldn't say anything, just keep up the happy face, since that worked pretty well before, then I think I really need to say something to acknowledge that our interactions on the weekend have raised his doubts again. The wise words here have made me realize that he was somewhat okay until I raised the word 'love' in our conversation, just in a general sense, not specific to him and me. I tried to take it back, but it was too late by then. He felt the conversation as pressure from me, intended to get him to act loving, when he isn't 'feeling' that way.
So, trying to feel my way to a few sentences (no one else has to read this, really, but if I get it out here, it tends to stop going around and around in my head):
I want you to know that I have no intention of returning to the angry, destructive behaviour you've seen for such a long time. I'm not pretending to be different, I'm working hard at changes because I like myself better this way. I think I've been doing pretty well and I wish that I had not let the old me out this past weekend.
End of conversation. I want to say this to his face, but have big doubts about being able to do it without crying. Maybe if I memorize it and smile, smile, smile while I say it. I'm going to think about that while I finish making dinner and get ready to go to a school concert this evening. Violins and recorders - can't wait!
He felt the conversation as pressure from me, intended to get him to act loving, when he isn't 'feeling' that way.
This is exactly where we are too. Just to give you a quick update, the taking turns on initiating sex seemed to be working, then my sister's cancer took a turn for the worse and she died late March. While H did try to help in his way, I felt emotionally abandoned. When I tried to explain it to him, his response was that he had no intention of acting loving towards me (basically b/c his needs were not being met).
I stumbled on a book by a buddhist nun called "When THings Fall Apart" which I actually thought would help with my sister's death, but it turns out to be much more interesting for my M. I have always tried to be the "fixer," and this book suggest instead of trying to move things to the left or right, stay in the middle. Do nothing. Well, I'm on Day 6, and I have to say that I am feeling more like "me" than I have in a long time.
I doubt I will have the patience to keep my mouth shut for long, but I have the problem when talking to H of either getting defensive or teary. So, doing nothing feels right at the moment. I'm curious as to whether he will step up to the plate, or will he continue with no affection and not wanting to do anything with me?
H told me I "snap" at him all the time. He's been keeping a scorecard! I have definitely been having some pms issues (the whole hormone imbalance thing), but I know sometimes I do snap after I've been pushed away for the 10th time when trying to hug him.
I honestly don't know which way to turn, but this "living in the middle" is bringing me some clarity. And some peace. So, I thought I'd mention it to you.
He felt the conversation as pressure from me, intended to get him to act loving, when he isn't 'feeling' that way.
This is exactly where we are too. Just to give you a quick update, the taking turns on initiating sex seemed to be working, then my sister's cancer took a turn for the worse and she died late March. While H did try to help in his way, I felt emotionally abandoned. When I tried to explain it to him, his response was that he had no intention of acting loving towards me (basically b/c his needs were not being met).
I stumbled on a book by a buddhist nun called "When THings Fall Apart" which I actually thought would help with my sister's death, but it turns out to be much more interesting for my M. I have always tried to be the "fixer," and this book suggest instead of trying to move things to the left or right, stay in the middle. Do nothing. Well, I'm on Day 6, and I have to say that I am feeling more like "me" than I have in a long time.
I doubt I will have the patience to keep my mouth shut for long, but I have the problem when talking to H of either getting defensive or teary. So, doing nothing feels right at the moment. I'm curious as to whether he will step up to the plate, or will he continue with no affection and not wanting to do anything with me?
H told me I "snap" at him all the time. He's been keeping a scorecard! I have definitely been having some pms issues (the whole hormone imbalance thing), but I know sometimes I do snap after I've been pushed away for the 10th time when trying to hug him.
I honestly don't know which way to turn, but this "living in the middle" is bringing me some clarity. And some peace. So, I thought I'd mention it to you.
He felt the conversation as pressure from me, intended to get him to act loving, when he isn't 'feeling' that way.
This is exactly where we are too. Just to give you a quick update, the taking turns on initiating sex seemed to be working, then my sister's cancer took a turn for the worse and she died late March. While H did try to help in his way, I felt emotionally abandoned. When I tried to explain it to him, his response was that he had no intention of acting loving towards me (basically b/c his needs were not being met).
I stumbled on a book by a buddhist nun called "When THings Fall Apart" which I actually thought would help with my sister's death, but it turns out to be much more interesting for my M. I have always tried to be the "fixer," and this book suggest instead of trying to move things to the left or right, stay in the middle. Do nothing. Well, I'm on Day 6, and I have to say that I am feeling more like "me" than I have in a long time.
I doubt I will have the patience to keep my mouth shut for long, but I have the problem when talking to H of either getting defensive or teary. So, doing nothing feels right at the moment. I'm curious as to whether he will step up to the plate, or will he continue with no affection and not wanting to do anything with me?
H told me I "snap" at him all the time. He's been keeping a scorecard! I have definitely been having some pms issues (the whole hormone imbalance thing), but I know sometimes I do snap after I've been pushed away for the 10th time when trying to hug him.
I honestly don't know which way to turn, but this "living in the middle" is bringing me some clarity. And some peace. So, I thought I'd mention it to you.
He felt the conversation as pressure from me, intended to get him to act loving, when he isn't 'feeling' that way.
This is exactly where we are too. Just to give you a quick update, the taking turns on initiating sex seemed to be working, then my sister's cancer took a turn for the worse and she died late March. While H did try to help in his way, I felt emotionally abandoned. When I tried to explain it to him, his response was that he had no intention of acting loving towards me (basically b/c his needs were not being met).
I stumbled on a book by a buddhist nun called "When THings Fall Apart" which I actually thought would help with my sister's death, but it turns out to be much more interesting for my M. I have always tried to be the "fixer," and this book suggest instead of trying to move things to the left or right, stay in the middle. Do nothing. Well, I'm on Day 6, and I have to say that I am feeling more like "me" than I have in a long time.
I doubt I will have the patience to keep my mouth shut for long, but I have the problem when talking to H of either getting defensive or teary. So, doing nothing feels right at the moment. I'm curious as to whether he will step up to the plate, or will he continue with no affection and not wanting to do anything with me?
H told me I "snap" at him all the time. He's been keeping a scorecard! I have definitely been having some pms issues (the whole hormone imbalance thing), but I know sometimes I do snap after I've been pushed away for the 10th time when trying to hug him.
I honestly don't know which way to turn, but this "living in the middle" is bringing me some clarity. And some peace. So, I thought I'd mention it to you.
