Help Me Act AS IF, Part 5

[newnamenewlife]

and on it goes...
My Ds and I just got back from 5 days in LA, where we visited an old friend of mine from junior high school. It was SO good to be away from H and from the agony of the past few months.

My friend's M seems so much worse than mine and yet they're not separating. It drives me nuts to have to accept that my H wants to throw away a M that is so much healthier (or was, until the bomb) than other peoples'.

Anyway, now we're back home and that feeling of hurt and dread has returned. H picked us up at the airport. Was thrilled to see the girls, but he gave me a perfunctory peck on the cheek (he stays as far from my lips as he can without it becoming an air kiss). Later, I got into bed next to him and I'll admit I thought he might reach over and cuddle with me--but no. We lay there side by side as if there was a sword between us.

It's hard to have no expectations. I keep thinking he is going to snap out of this and am continually surprised at his total lack of tenderness toward me. I cried (silently in the bathroom) for the first time since we left for LA. My friend out there, who has known both of us for years, is astonished the he of all people would do this. She told me she's always been jealous of our M and thought H was such a great, solid guy. It feels so unfair. I feel so gypped. Why does my H not care that he is walking away from a woman who he himself still describes as sexy, beautiful, smart and funny? Why is he so fixated on whether or not he is in love with me, esp when we have these lovely Ds who need an intact family (IMO)??

I need to keep myself from falling back into the pit I was in before I left.