I'll start chipping in now cos I've got a good feel for the direction you're sitch is heading,we've got a lot of work to do on you to get things under control but I'll chip in where I can.
Next thing, it's probably best to keep just one thread running otherwise you'll have bits of info all over the place so I've posted these bit here.
These will give you an idea of what you will go through. But don't worry if you get yourself in shape physically and metally you'll get through all of this.
Many thanks. Do I assume from what you've read of my sitch that you think my W is in a MLC ? or are you just giving me the info to figure it out from what I've said ?
FWIW, I think she is going by the 6 stages of MLC, but I need to re read and figure out exactly what stage she is at. It maybe that she has been in it for longer than I realised as I don't think I could handle a lot of that stuff for 2 years !!! However, does DBing speed up the stages ?
Have scan read the MLC for dummies as at work, but intend to read bot posts fully this evening.
Thanks again, all responses greatly appreciated. It's a great place this and nice to know that people who don't know you can have empathy to your sitch
With regards to your W and MLC maybe, maybe not, but I just wanted you to read the sort of behaviours which your W is going to exhibit. The thing is you gonna have to ride a wild rollercoaster before this thing sorts itself out and theres no specific time limit.
The other thing I'm picking up from you is "how do you speed things up", simple answer is you don't. DB'ing doesn't speed things up, what it does is give you the tools to support yourself through this Sitch. So you are going to need to focus on the small things, the baby steps, and take one day at a time. All cliches, I know, but that's how it works.
Some pointers you may or may not want to hear.
Your W is unhappy with you, Your W is unhappy with the M In her mind she has already left the M and theres no talking her round. She is in pursuit of "Happiness" outside the M, so she will hook up with OM in the hope that happiness is there. She may stay out and just have a kiss with OM, she may have full blown PA, but you are the one thing that stands in the way of "Happiness" and OM so she going to be mean a cruel to you in the hope that you step aside. I guess that's all happening now.
For now all you can do is stay calm, GAL focus on you and practice as many of the 180's that are applicable to your sitch.
I no longer bite to any negative comment I am totally spending time with my boys. I was anyway, but now it's every single spare second I get I no longer sit on pc playing poker every night il whatever a clock I am going out more, at least once a week for definite, usually 2 or 3 times I have bought some new clothes and looking after myself better. Never more than 2 days without shaving, always putting on aftershave, always doing my hair (which I've had cut short and tidy again).
Seriously, I'm a nice guy and I know it, wouldn't hurt anyone and would help anyone if I could, so personality wise I don't think I'm a bad person. As far as W and relationship goes tho, I've not really been 'me' at home for a long time.
Since this happened I feel a big weight lifted. i'm no longer walking on eggshells trying to make sure everything I do my wife is ok with. I kinda felt like she treated me like another son, a childminder, a housekeeper, but I no longer let that happen.
I do feel much better in myself until the knots and anxiety and paranoia creep in.
I'm also thinking along the lines of if you love someone enough, let them go and I may even yet say that to my W. I might have to at C when that starts as she will go in there saying it's over, so what can I do to avoid sounding clingy but that.
My W has also had depression for a long time, to throw that in the mix (and that was tough to live with as it was) with a MLC and jesus it's tough.
I am not religious at all, but my parents are and I do now say prayers, but more for my kids than me as seems hypercritical.
I get a little frustrated with this as this site has so much information that you imagine, if read by W, would make her think differently, but it's not the way.
I know i struggle with the patience factor, but then don't we all ? I will re evaluate every week or so and the next 2 months I feel will be critical for that.
I do also think that my W has been unhappy for a long time so any changes I make she will need to witness for sometime to accept they are for good.
Only time will tell I guess, so will just try and take 1 day at a time.
...I am not religious at all, but my parents are and I do now say prayers, but more for my kids than me as seems hypercritical...
Old me (2 months ago) was not religious at all. Big 180 for me, go to church and really listen to what is being said. I was blind but now I see.
I recommend going to a catholic church and listen very, very carefully to what is being said. (Especially when they break the bread and drink the wine). Do it with a beginers mind!
Remember: Jesus forgave the people who killed him! Can you forgive your S for the hurt she is putting you though? Can you forgive yourself for the things you did to S? IF you can, it is like a huge wieght lifted off of you!
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
R2C - I don't believe I need a religion to know right from wrong and to know to forgive. Growing up with religious parents, I know all the church stuff, but I don't want to get into a religious debate, I'm very much each to their own. My own believes are very straight forward.
Be nice to people treat others as you want to be treated yourself Don't hurt others Be prepared to forgive (got better at that with age) Wrong and right, black and white or differences of opinions as long a your not hurting anyone. As long as you are not hurting others, do what you like it's a free world and we are all equal
Probably very badly put as i'm rubbish at explaining myself but hopefully you get me.
I admit i'm not sure if I can forgive...yet.. but that is as were still in mid flow and can't see any real remorse or returning to the R from W. Everyday seems more like a MLC to me, the desperate need to go out at every opportunity, but I'm being her friend at the moment. In a lot of ways that seems real weird and as if I'm accepting what's happening and she can do what she wants, but it's more that I cannot control it so not fighting it and making it worse.
I've no idea where were going, but taking one day at a time. Going to add some more GALs in coming weeks and see how C goes.
I've read a few posts and see some people try the strong LRT that will go either way and I hope I don't get there but do feel slightly used at the moment and that my W is getting all she wants. If I left, she would not have the support that she needs, the finances I would provide or the same freedom to carry on. However, she is stubborn and I do think that could backfire and I really want to be at home for my kids so that is a few months off unless something big happens.
Thanks for all responses as always. I love this site, it's helped me loads.
I asked before, but don't think there was an answer. Anyone one still here (Sandi ?) that has been through all this, could you add links to your story so I can see the whole thing from start to finish ?
Hi there Arthur - your 180s sound really positive - a sort of fine tuning of yourself.
I'd also suggest doing some serious work on some GALing activities - things you can do for yourself - hobbies, activities, pastimes what have you.
Your 180s are great but there's a danger that in themselves they will be seen as just being there for the short term - part of an act.
What can you carve out that is yours that can become a permanent part of you?
Sounds like you're considering a big shock tactic again...think long and hard about this. Its tempting to assume that such a shock will have the desired results on W but equally it might not. IMO try other ways forward first...
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
R2C - I don't believe I need a religion to know right from wrong and to know to forgive. Growing up with religious parents, I know all the church stuff, but I don't want to get into a religious debate, I'm very much each to their own. My own believes are very straight forward.
Be nice to people treat others as you want to be treated yourself Don't hurt others Be prepared to forgive (got better at that with age) Wrong and right, black and white or differences of opinions as long a your not hurting anyone. As long as you are not hurting others, do what you like it's a free world and we are all equal Probably very badly put as i'm rubbish at explaining myself but hopefully you get me.
I believe we both have similar spiritual views. I realized the "formal religions" is helping reinforce my views...
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
