Our situations are close. My WAW is going and thinking it will help with being friends after she serves the papers. I am there, working my tail off, wanting to creat change, like you. Also, when this is all said and done, no matter the outcome, YOU can lift your head high and say that YOU did not leave a stone unturned.
Keep up the work.
CBK
That's what I keep telling myself. She had talked about C 2 years ago and I let my pride get in my way..I should have went then. I think she goes now, just to go.
We have another appointment tomorrow and I'm struggling with whether to ask her if she's going or remind her, just let her show up if she shows up.
Mike, in an earlier post you mentioned that you are going to C to save your marriage, your W is going to be friendly during this. What I'm about to tell you may not be correct but it is worth a try.
Our W's can see it all over our faces that we want to save our M, this lets them know that they have us so they have no reason to try, right? This is what I would suggest you do, when you go to C tomorrow, don't talk about R, talk about how you and your W can be happy after the D, I know this sounds weird but I am thinking this would be a huge 180 and will throw your W for a loop, she may begin to think more about what she is doing if she sees that you will go forward regardless of what happens. She will walk into C knowing what you are going to be saying so I am sure she will go in there with a negative attitude to begin with, change it up on her, see what happens. Once you do this, don't bring it back up. She will think more about what she is doing.
Now of course these are only my suggestions, they may be correct, they may not, hey there at least worth a try. Good luck tomorrow.
Mike, in an earlier post you mentioned that you are going to C to save your marriage, your W is going to be friendly during this. What I'm about to tell you may not be correct but it is worth a try.
Our W's can see it all over our faces that we want to save our M, this lets them know that they have us so they have no reason to try, right? This is what I would suggest you do, when you go to C tomorrow, don't talk about R, talk about how you and your W can be happy after the D, I know this sounds weird but I am thinking this would be a huge 180 and will throw your W for a loop, she may begin to think more about what she is doing if she sees that you will go forward regardless of what happens. She will walk into C knowing what you are going to be saying so I am sure she will go in there with a negative attitude to begin with, change it up on her, see what happens. Once you do this, don't bring it back up. She will think more about what she is doing.
Now of course these are only my suggestions, they may be correct, they may not, hey there at least worth a try. Good luck tomorrow.
Good idea and good suggestion. I pretty much started LRT technique yesterday. I figured what the hell, what have I got to lose. I'm acting happy. I am not calling her or emailing unless it concerns D. When she drives up I meet her at the car happy and help her and D in the house. I chatted her up big time tonight. How's your day, HOW"S YOUR MOTHER!! anything and everything.
I will try your suggestion if she shows up for C tomorrow. personally I don't think she will show. It will surprise me if she does. I have not mentioned it to her or reminded her and I don't think I will.
Ping-I woke up this morning and and for some reason I was at peace. A peace that I don't know if I have ever had. I was so relaxed and I don't know if I have ever been that relaxed. Don't know what happened, don't know how. Maybe the power of prayer?? I do not know. I wish that feeling would set in-stay with me..if it does I can do this. If I could get in a no-emotion state of mind I could do this. I could turn this around.
My problem, I wear my emotions on my sleeve for everyone to see. I'm not a good actor either.
I am glad you woke up feeling better today, it happened to me last week and I can tell you that I am feeling much better about things since that day.
The more I think about your session tomorrow the more I think this is the way to approach it. Our W's are expecting us to fight them on things, which only makes them angrier, I have come to realize this is a game with them, they want to win the game. My W even told me that the reason I am so upset is because I am not winning the game, that I am only doing things for myself to get back in the house so I will WIN. What this tells me is if she really feels this way, I am going to let her, that means I have to totally detach and not put any pressure whatsoever on her, she will have to make the call of when the "game" is over so she will be the winner, not me. I have completely stopped all R talks with her, I am acting "as if", the only way I will save my M if she comes out the VICTOR and makes the calls of when the time is right. I have a feeling you are in the same boat as I am and probably most everyone on these boards.
This is a sick game were having to play but in relationships that you are in that you are considered the controlling person as I was, the WAS has to take control and call the shots for a while and make their calls the way they see fit. My W even told me one time that the main reason I am so upset over this mess is because I have lost control. She wants to be in control right now and she is, I just have to live with it and see where it goes.
Good luck tomorrow, I really feel this is the way you need to approach it, let her see that she is winning the game and you are ready to play the game with her the way she sees fit.
...I woke up this morning and and for some reason I was at peace. A peace that I don't know if I have ever had....
This comes and goes. I also have feelings that W "Set me free" from the tension and other stresses of R. These seam to come after "happy moments" during 180s in my day.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I am glad you woke up feeling better today, it happened to me last week and I can tell you that I am feeling much better about things since that day.
The more I think about your session tomorrow the more I think this is the way to approach it. Our W's are expecting us to fight them on things, which only makes them angrier, I have come to realize this is a game with them, they want to win the game. My W even told me that the reason I am so upset is because I am not winning the game, that I am only doing things for myself to get back in the house so I will WIN. What this tells me is if she really feels this way, I am going to let her, that means I have to totally detach and not put any pressure whatsoever on her, she will have to make the call of when the "game" is over so she will be the winner, not me. I have completely stopped all R talks with her, I am acting "as if", the only way I will save my M if she comes out the VICTOR and makes the calls of when the time is right. I have a feeling you are in the same boat as I am and probably most everyone on these boards.
This is a sick game were having to play but in relationships that you are in that you are considered the controlling person as I was, the WAS has to take control and call the shots for a while and make their calls the way they see fit. My W even told me one time that the main reason I am so upset over this mess is because I have lost control. She wants to be in control right now and she is, I just have to live with it and see where it goes.
Good luck tomorrow, I really feel this is the way you need to approach it, let her see that she is winning the game and you are ready to play the game with her the way she sees fit.
Ping--Do you know my MC?? The exercise for today was--how to move on and be friends after the D..no joke, floored me when the MC told me. You must have a crystal ball.
Problem was-W was a no show. MC said to call W. Called and got VM, left a msg. W called me back and said she forgot. W apologized to me so I take her for her word.
MC noticed a change in me immediately. Said I looked like I was at peace. I had another good day today, I woke up relaxed and peaceful. I don't know why I feel this way. I have a lot of people praying for me and maybe that's it. Had a good discussion with the MC. Made another appointment for next week, the MC made another appointment card for my W and I left it on her pocketbook. I told her she could come if she wanted, it was up to her. When I got home W apologized again and asked me what the MC and me talked about. I told her what the exercise was for today in a very happy tone. Then I told her that because she had missed we had to just talk about all my communication problems and how and what I was feeling and left it at that. One think the MC said sort of stuck out for me...MC says that when the W receives my response to the D papers that my W may just wake up and slow things down..my response to the D papers is 50/50 visitation..it's not negotiable as far as I am concerned. Being a mother is so important to my W if she sees she may lose 50% of her time with D then she may rethink what she is doing..MC believes this anyway.
2 good days in a row with W. We took the D across the street to the pond and we fished..chit chatted about our days.
Ping-it would have worked I think. I'm sure that if my W shows up next week that the MC will do this exercise...that is unless my response is delivered to W before then..if they get delivered then I'm afraid it will be hellfire and damnation for me from my W.
I don't know what to tell her, little girls need their daddy's too. There's no reason why I should not have 50/50 visitation. I work straight days and so does my W. D is in daycare while we work.
By the way...I have found out that my W has been snooping on the very computer that I have been using to post on this site..I know this for a fact. She has heard me typing away and she did a through search of this very computer today....Do u think she thinks I am having an affair??? or she's searching for something to use against me in the D proceedings??
Last edited by M from Tennessee; 04/24/0811:55 PM.
By the way...I have found out that my W has been snooping on the very computer that I have been using to post on this site..I know this for a fact. She has heard me typing away and she did a through search of this very computer today....Do u think she thinks I am having an affair??? or she's searching for something to use against me in the D proceedings??
How do you know she was snooping?
If your W wants out, do you think she will read anything on DB site? I doubt it. If W does, I believe it would only be a good thing...
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
By the way...I have found out that my W has been snooping on the very computer that I have been using to post on this site..I know this for a fact. She has heard me typing away and she did a through search of this very computer today....Do u think she thinks I am having an affair??? or she's searching for something to use against me in the D proceedings??
How do you know she was snooping?
If your W wants out, do you think she will read anything on DB site? I doubt it. If W does, I believe it would only be a good thing...
I know when, where, and how my computer is used. This is not my first rodeo. I know how to protect myself. I do not believe she was looking for this site but something else maybe. Looking for proof that I am doing something illicit or illegal?? I'm not doing anything, that's the problem. She hears me typing away and it's driving her crazy cause she don't know what I'm doing.
No Mike, I don't know your C, just thought that would be a great idea for you. I am sorry your W didn't show up but it is very good that she did at least apologize for not coming. Keep that same mind set for next week, I believe that is your best shot to set the standard right now with her, she will not expect it at all.
As far as your W searching your computer, she very well may be checking to see what you are up to for that time you spend typing. I doubt she is looking for anything that she could use against you unless you have giving her this reason in the past. My guess she is checking to see what you are up to with your time typing away, to me that shows she's curious of your actions. Bet you didn't think that did you? If she is looking and there has not been reason in the past for her try to get something on you for computer time, she is probably checking to see what you are up to. You have told her of the changes you are making, she may be curios to see where these changes are coming from. JMHO.
Stay positive, it makes things go so much better, I can tell the last two days you are more at ease. Keep it up.
